I took a wrong turn this afternoon and ended up in another state. I got lost on the way up here and told the clerk at the gas station that I took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong state. Then it wasn’t true. Today, it actually happened. I should watch what I make jokes about – but I probably won’t.
Those of you that have gone out to a nice restaurant or a movie by yourself will know what I am talking about. At first you get this surge of pride in your independence. You can do whatever you want whenever you want. There is no need to wait for a date. You have no shame. You think to yourself that this IS really cool. That you are really cool. Then at some point in the evening the thought occurs to you, “Wow, this is really depressing.”
That where I am. I’m bumming around New England all by my lonesome. So I went shopping. I’ve never been a shopper. One reason is that in order to do stand up, I took a vow of poverty, so I CAN’T shop. The other is that I don’t like big stores or making decisions in big stores. Don’t like anything about shopping really. I went shopping today. I think that women like to go shopping because it is a way of socializing. I don’t do this well. I went to a store to buy shampoo.
The blond, WASP, uptight sales girl comes up to help me.
Sales girl, “This product line is organic.”
Me,”Well, if you break it down to molecules, the cash register is organic.” I said, stupidly wanting her to at least THINK about it.
Sales girl (with an irked look),”Anyway, I really like the scent of this product.”
I sniff the bottle.
Me,”Oh I know what that is – it’s green tea.”
She looks on the bottle.
Sales girl: “White tea – actually.”
Me,”Wrong color – same smell.” She is completely unamused with me. I’m BOMBING and can’t quit while I’m behind. “I’ll get that.” I told her.
She took the shampoo up to the counter. “Anything else?”
“Could I have your name?”
“I can’t ring anything up unless I put a name into the computer.” She stated, growing steadily more irritated.
“First name Cherry.”
“Is that I-E or Y?”
“I-E.” I said with a growing smirk. “Last name ‘Soda’.
She stared at her computer screen as to not have to look at me and SIGHED. “Cute.” She said.