Review of 2004

The top documentaries of the year were Fahrenheit 9/11 and Supersize Me. Leading a confused public to wonder, “Wait, the skinny one is in Supersize Me?”

In January we still had 9 democratic presidential candidates. Governor Howard Dean was in the lead. Then he screamed. Then there was Kerry.

Immediately after taking the lead, because he’s well – a Democrat – John Kerry was rumored to have an affair with an intern. Kerry denied the rumor and his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry; heir to the Heinz food dynasty failed to comment. But Senator Kerry told reporters, “I would never cheat on my wife. When it comes to women – I stick with the ‘thick rich one’.”

Speaking of boobs…Janet Jackson’s got more coverage than any other mammary gland this year. People were outraged. “Children were watching! Children, young children – saw breasts!” Yes, children. Children so young that a couple of months prior were feeding on breasts. With the FCC fine currently at over half a million dollars for the stunt, Miss Jackson, If-You’re-Nasty has the most expensive real breast in history.

By the end of Feb. Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ made all time box office records. Making in 2004 Jesus more popular than The Beatles.

In April the Abu Ghraib prison scandal broke with pictures of naked Iraqi detainees in humiliating positions. Leading the entire country, blue states, red states and whatever Ohio decided to be that day to ask,”What the hell?”

Two weeks after the pictures were released President Bush said that there was a plan to tear down Abu Ghraib prison and build a new one. The only question this comic has is can the good people at Halliburton build it and then just lock themselves up when they’re done?

On May 17th Gay couples wed in Massachusetts. Shortly after protest groups cried out for a constitutional amendment to ban the practice. Stating that homosexual relations are unnatural and against God’s law – echoing earlier arguments against interracial couples. Driving home that in 2004 gay was the new black.

On June 22 Former President Bill Clinton’s book “My Life” was released. Comedians everywhere gleefully dusted off all their Lewinsky jokes.

The summer had the Republican and Democratic conventions. The parties each received $15 million in taxpayer funds from the Federal Election Commission. Making the two conventions the worst spent entertainment dollars since Catwoman, the directors cut.

New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevy resigned because he’s a gay American. Making the phrase ‘New Jersey turn pike’ suddenly sound dirty.

During the race for the Oval Office, President Bush and Senator John Kerry had three debates held around the country. Democrats believed that Senator John Kerry won the debates. Republicans believed that President Bush won. And the undecided STILL weren’t sure.

The end of the year was marked by a long awaited, highly anticipated, ultimately controversial, eventually disappointing event in Nov. It was called Alexander and it was directed by Oliver Stone…That and Bush won a second term.

After this crushing blow to the Democratic Party, Howard Dean told supporters at George Washington University that Democrats need to stick to their convictions and not act like Republicans. Then Zell Miller challenged Dean to a dual.

And in this month of December, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld met with troops stationed in Kuwait, where for the first time he heard gripes from GIs including, “We don’t have enough armor”, “You said I could go home a year ago.” and “I hate fishstick Fridays.”

And to wrap up this year, the Government Accountability Office said that the Medicare hotline gives the wrong answers to callers over a third of the time. Making Medicare the most competent government agency in history!

Happy Holidays!

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