I don’t watch the Oscars for the glamour. I don’t watch so I can find out whose wearing whom. I don’t care how skinny or fat anyone is. I don’t make predictions. I don’t have a financial or an emotional investment in the winners. I watch because I am a comedian and I have to watch. It’s part of my job.

Really, I have to say it – I don’t watch the Oscars to celebrate cinema. I watch MOVIES to celebrate cinema. Watching the Academy Awards is like watching the commercials during the Super Bowl – it’s required viewing.

Okay here’s what I have to say about the 77th annual:

-What happened to the writers of this award show? The copy sounded like the captions in my jr. high year book.

Scarlett Johanson’s copy: “Our Sci Tech Honors are bestowed at an exclusive dinner that is one of the nicest events on the academy calendar. Following this year’s banquet, here are some of the awards I was delighted to present.”

My jr high year book caption: “The 7th grade dance was a wonderful and magical event that had dancing and fun all night long. Pictured here are Joey Turner and Kelly Johnson dancing the night away.

-“Eagerly awaited Catwoman II”, should NEVER be uttered with a straight face.

-Were the seat fillers on strike this year? If you’re going to have people accept awards while in the audience, best not to have empty seats framing the shot.

-Next year have more shots of people sleeping during the ceremony. It shows that Hollywood is actually in touch with how the rest of America feels about the tech awards. Zzzzz.

-Sean Penn the ceremony was ALREADY unfunny and creepy – you just made it worse. Yeah, Jude Law is talented. You could have also refuted that Kerry proposed to Oprah. Or asked why Sean Combs was asked to read lines about ‘hooking into that inner child’.

-Chris Rock’s hosting symbolized the ‘changing of the guard’ for the Oscars. It was out with the hot ’80’s comics (Billy Crystal and Whoopi) and in with the hot ’90’s comics. Chris Rock is like Clinton that way. He marks a coming-of-age for a new generation. I just hope that unlike Clinton, Rock doesn’t do two terms!

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