Movers and Shakers

Moderate Quake Shakes Southern California

earth How was the quake for you?

tina Brief, I didn’t even know what was going on, really. My dog is all freaked out. She probably needs medication. You traumatized my dog.

earth Dog? Hmm. I was trying to get people to not take me for granted.

tina Well, Earth you really let people walk all over you.

earth You were just WAITING to say that weren’t you?

tina Yes. Sorry. Can’t help it.

earth People should note that I can only put up with so much.

tina Good old Earth, you tree-hugger you! You’re all acting up to stop all the pollution – such a liberal.

earth Excuse me? ‘Liberal’ is the new ‘communist’!

tina No ‘terrorist’ is the new ‘communist’. ‘Liberal’ is the new ‘Frenchman’ or ‘leper’ depending on what circles you travel in.

earth *visibly irritated*

tina Ahem…So this little 5.3 today was a message that you can only put up with so much?

earth Yes. Don’t repeal any part of The Patriot Act.

tina What? The last time we talked you were all pro-environment – Mother Earth and Tori Amos. What happened?

earth Look, that was the ’90’s. I tried. But the Democrats have kind of wussed out, so it’s time to get on the winning team.

tina That doesn’t seem crazy to you?

earth Nothing we do is crazy if we’re the majority. If we have mob mentality on our side – only the dissenters are crazy. Isn’t conservatism great?

tina You’re political leanings are totally AGAINST you’re best interests!

earth That’s just a piece of liberal propaganda. That’s the spin doctored sound bite that everyone likes to say. As a humorist, I would have expected better from you.

tina Errr…Earth, it’s true. This administration’s record has been detrimental to you. It’s like a Wal-Mart employee putting a Bush/Cheney sticker on their 1985 Dodge Charger on their way to stand in line at the free clinic. Come on!

earth Look, I talked to Jesus about this. He is all for being kind to the poor and good to all people. But he’s still a Republican. You liberals see contradiction and your heads explode.

tina Stop calling me a liberal, Earth.

earth I’m a Republican – you’re either with us or against us – liberal.

tina Knock it off!

earth I can see that this is really upsetting you, but since I’m a member of the GOP now, I don’t have to wonder why. I get to just write you off. Oh, so much easier than trying to understand nuance.

tina I can’t believe this!

earth Why not? Let me explain something to you – politics is NOT about having personal convictions – Howard Dean needs to figure that one out. It’s about jumping on the most powerful bandwagon, regardless of what you believe and then being elated when your party gets it’s way. It’s a choice between the Lakers and the Clippers. Whose shirt do you want to be wearing?

tina I don’t like basketball.

earth It’s a metaphor.

tina I refuse to go along with this analogy. My only choice at this point, is to be difficult.

earth Congratulations. There’s the idea behind the filibuster. Has that worked to overturn any judicial nominees? Nope. You think you guys would have cut that out by now, the ‘pouting’ that is.

tina I don’t remember you being this annoying when you were a Democrat.

earthWhatever! In politics, you’re either a dissenter or a shaker – and I’m the ORIGINAL SHAKER baby!

tina *grimace*

To be continued…

5 Comments Movers and Shakers

  1. Blott

    Very Clever… personification of the Earth in a discussion of punditry. Love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh to hold me through the last few minutes of my work day. We all want to be on the winning team. Tina thanks for standing on the side-line and heckling both groups.

  2. Freddie

    Hi Tina! I hope everything is swell down there in LA. I miss our late-night conversations. I hope to get back in the stalking seat one day and come out to a SACRAMENTO show… if you ever book one.

    Funny girls are way sexy.

    Freddie :)

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