Life is like a box of chocolates…

Nothing says “Happy New Year” more to a political humorist than the phrases “GUILTY PLEA” and “cooperates fully.”
It’s music to my ears. Chocolate to my taste buds. Calamine lotion to my bug bites.

Good stuff.


Jack Abramoff, pictured above in his Humphrey Bogart Halloween costume, the chubby Sam Spade version.

What? Even James Cagney wouldn’t wear that to court!

He plead guilty to three felony counts of tax evasion, mail fraud and conspiracy.

The more I read about this man, the more it seems to me that Mr. Jack —–off is the Forrest Gump of corruption. It seems when something bad is happening with someone bad – there’s a little Abramoff involved.

For example:

  • He owned the fleet SunCruz, a line of gambling boats in Florida, where Mohammed Atta, one of the September 11th hijackers was a customer.
  • His partner in the SunCruz line had ties to the Gambino Crime Family.
  • The guy they ripped off in the deal (purchasing the fleet with fake wire transfers), Konstantinos Boulis is now dead from “a gang style hit”.
  • Conspired with Ralph Reed, formally of the Christian Coalition to play ‘bad cop’ and to orchestrate a lobby against Indian gambling and thus bilk Indian Casinos (Abramoff’s client) out of $85 million. Dude, you’re ripping off Indians? That’s so Victorian! That’s WAY pre-cotton gin. That’s…$85 million? Damn that’s a lot of gambling strategies that didn’t pay off.
  • Note: Basically, Jack created an enemy and got richer off having an opposition. Which is RIGHT OUT OF THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT play book. As in,”I know we’re the majority in power but they are going to ban the bible, make being a Christian illegal and force us all to love Satan – quick send us money!”

  • Abramoff was hired by Tyco. He was supposed to start an ‘astroturf’ campaign. He ‘Mike Browned’ that one up (as in he didn’t do ANYTHING). FYI, Former chairman and chief executive Dennis Kozlowski and former chief financial officer Mark H. Swartz, will be out of jail by the time Gen Y’s reach menopause.
  • And when he wasn’t around gangsters, crooks and cheats – he was slumming it with politicians like the irreproachable Tom Delay.
  • Hollywood has Kevin Bacon – corruption has Jack Abramoff!

    Rumor has it:

  • He leaked Valerie Plame’s name.
  • Mucked up the WMD intelligence.
  • Sent the anthrax through the mail.
  • Was responsible for the disappearance of Chandra Levy.
  • And puts puppies down in his spare time. I report you decide.
  • Move over Karl Rove – there’s a new root of all evil in town!

    “Hi Jackie! Mr. Abramoffie…he he.”

    2 Comments Life is like a box of chocolates…

    1. CW Fisher

      He is a dreamboat of material, you’re right. And he comes with a hat! A black hat. I can only figure he’s doing that so we can tell him from the good guys.

      If you ever wonder how people like this enjoy such success, it’s because they’re willing.

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *