Kudzu me and I’ll kudzu YOU

kudzu

Kudzu is an invasive plant that flourished in this country. It has devastated crops in the southeastern United States over the last few decades. If you live in the south or have ever been to the south – you’ve seen kudzu.

It was brought over to this continent from China.

I think Southerners should put down their pulled pork sandwiches and UNITE! I say they go and drop a bunch of skunks (native of north America) to China. That’s right, China – it’s payback time and this time – its personal!

This would be an especially rude awakening to the Chinese people. These people that so dutifully eat rats when their government asks them to. I love my country – but I don’t love ANYTHING that much. Anyway, imagine a nice Chinese family sitting down to dinner and a weird cat waltzes in their home with a sign around it’s neck:
“This is for all the Kudzu!”

Wrong, I know…but very funny.

In an attempt to see how this plague of a plant is useful, researches in Boston have tried its effects on binge drinking.


Lukas was not certain why but speculated that kudzu increases blood alcohol levels and speeds up its effects. More simply put, the subjects needed fewer beers to feel drunk.

I don’t want to second guess any Harvard affiliated researcher BUT Vicodin already DOES THAT! Does the world need a pill that makes you feel drunk quicker? YES! Are there already SEVERAL varieties to choose from? Ask any high school student – YES.

You know what would really take care of the over growth of this annoying plant? If it made you feel drunk without drinking at all. Have a problem with toads – tell some teenagers that licking them will get them high. Have a problem with mushrooms in your field – just let them know it makes them see stuff. If you want to make the kudzu problem go away – tell the kids that smoking it will make Burger King palatable and WB programming BRILLIANT.

2 Comments Kudzu me and I’ll kudzu YOU

  1. Vector

    I think Kudzu is a competitive plant which thrives in struggle and enjoys trashing weaker, lesser plants. It’s a superior organism. That’s probably why it made it’s way in the US. It plans to conquer the States and gain global dominion.

    What does Kudzu mean anyway in chinese? Maybe ‘That f*cking weed’, but I’m just guessing here.

    Your plan to make it disappear by a devious misleading of our youth is well thought of and will probably make Philip Morris claim rights over the whole thing.
    One question though, what do you do if you have a problem with teenagers? I think they would go as far as lick each other but eating and smoking could go a bit too far – but then again, the young are not as they used to be so I wouldn’t know…

    BTW, cool site you have now, saw it for the first time a couple of days ago. Very snazzy.

  2. Carter

    The sad part is: we did it to ourselves. Well, OK, actually FDR did it to us. The CCC imported kudzu and planted it all over the South to control erosion back during the Great Depression. The rest, as they say, is history.

    A lot of methods have been tried to control it, with limited success at best. Herbicides are apparently some kind of kudzu steroids. If you pull it up, two vines come back where you pull up one. Flamethrowers work tolerably well, but you have to keep coming back every two weeks to keep up with it.

    There have been some attempts to convince us that kudzu is edible, but those of us who have seen this creature up close and personal tend toward skepticism on that. Not with my mouth. Maybe encouraging teens to smoke it is a good way to go. We’d have to make it illegal, though, or they would never go for it.

    This would probably also solve Vector’s teenager problem. I suspect that it wouldn’t takle many kudzu joints to turn someone into a quivering mound of green jello or cause them to run wildly across empty fields, climb trees, and pull down electrical lines.

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