Jesus Holds a Press Conference to Announce His Retirement From Politics


Transcript from Aug 2, 2005 in the Rose Garden:

JC: Thank you all for coming. I am honored to have been in the public service for as long as I have. But the time has come for me to step aside and I’m looking forward to having more time to spend with my family. I will now open it up to your questions and concerns. Yes, you there Ted.

Q. Why now? Why not a couple of years ago?

JC: As many of you know, I have been in the White House for the past 5 years. It is a very demanding job. I fully support the president and his administration. There is no riff between the president and I. There just comes a time when One feels they are more needed in the private sector.

Q. Will you still be working with the president on a consulting basis?

JC: Yes, of course. The president and I will still talk everyday. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about our conversations as always. He paraphrases a lot…just note that. I should have mentioned that earlier, but anyway – next question?

Q. There is a rumor that you will be joining the Democratic Party. Could you confirm that?

JC: As I told you – I am not a partisan. Never have been. I know it’s been a weird 5 years for everyone. And that’s why I am getting out of politics all together.

Q. Will you be attending Justice Sunday II?

JC: Well, I wasn’t invited. Uhm…They didn’t say I couldn’t come but…uh…my Sundays are pretty busy anyway, so… Okay, next question?

Q. Jesus, your retirement is in the wake of the Rove/Plame scandal on on the eve of Bush’s appointment of John Roberts. Has that been a factor in your decision?

JC: No comment.

Q. Did Rove leak Plame’s name?

JC: No comment.

Q. Should Rove be fired?

JC: I said, no comment. Now, are they’re any other questions?


JC: No more questions? Well, if there are no more questions…Uhm, I look forward to, like I said, spending more time with my family. My family is quite large. So I plan on staying pretty busy. Really? You guys have no more questions for me? None at all? Wow. Okay, well I thank you all for coming. I won’t make you guys do this a second time – promise. Good night.

13 Comments Jesus Holds a Press Conference to Announce His Retirement From Politics

  1. indeterminacy

    You forgot to mention if Jesus ascended into heaven following his press conference. Some of these other guys, it would be more appropriate if a trap door would open up underneath them so that they could speedily reach the other place.

  2. Vector

    Well, it’s about time. JC’s retirement is already overdue by 2000 year. Give or take.

    Anyway, I don’t get US politics. Are Republicans supposed to win over Democrats? Exterminate the whole lot? That makes interesting politics, I guess. Happy that it works different over here.

    Oh, did JC get a big juicy golden handshake? I hope they at least gave him some new robes.

  3. Tina D.

    Vector it started with the Reagan administration. Now 20 plus years later, instead of trying to save the world one soul at a time, the religious right decided that tax exemption AND political power – was much more fun.

  4. Vector

    It seems to me that there should always be a counterbalance for every power. I’m not sure if there is a thing called ‘religious left’…and if there would be (or is) they probably would just keep turning the other cheek all the time.

    Anyway, if Bush wants to get popular in Europe he only has to get some intern to blow his whistle. It worked wonders for Clinton.


    A few of those of us who consider ourselves religious left do not think Bush and cartel speak for Christians. Helping the weak and sick is a Christain thing to do while the Bush cartel seems to take every chance they can to ride rough shod over the old, the infirm, the weak, the innocent, and anyone else they can screw over while calling themselves Christians and patriots.

  6. Static Brain

    I would have to agree with IXLNXS. I am religious and do not believe that BushCo speaks for God. He surely doesn’t speak for me. Anyone who thinks God told him to go to war is just as dangerous and foolhardy as he is. He is also into euthanasia and eugenics (eugenics is controlled breeding by population extermination). Personally I think he has Mad “Cowboy” disease. It causes uncontrollable lying (like WMD’s in Iraq), and memory loss. He forgets his family fortune came from Hitler (and oil), but originally from Hitler. In April 1999, Texas Governor George W. Bush proclaimed a week of remembrance for the Holocaust. He said, “I urge Texans to never forget the inhumanity of those who perpetrated the Holocaust, and reflect upon our own humanity and our responsibility to respect all peoples.” Good advice. He should reflect upon his own family, if he is interested in reflecting on inhumanity. In an interview in the New Hampshire Gazette former US Justice Dept. Nazi War Crimes prosecutor John Loftus, who also was the former President Emeritus of the Florida Holocaust Museum said that, “The Bush family fortune came from the Third Reich,” The story was carried in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune 11/11/2000. For an example of just how evil he truly is click my name to read how the Bush family fortune is tied to Hitler and eugenics.

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