All is Not Bright

I look forward to Christmas like I look forward to running into my ex now that I have put on 10 pounds (from not smoking). Not the worst thing the in world (what with Darfur and all). But enough to dread.

I want to speak up for those of us that don’t like this holiday season. In the war on Christmas, I am Switzerland, or Turkmenistan, or up until a week ago – Japan. Go on and fight, I’m neutral. I’m a December 25th pacifist. I’m not getting into it, because unlike real wars, there are only winners in the War on Christmas.

How is that possible? It’s just as possible as a ‘strategy’ for winning in Iraq is to succeed. No matter what battles are fought on the Winter Holiday front – all parties come out the victor. Religious leaders draw their flocks closer. Retailers rejoice in the season of giving. The economy is happy, the ecumenical are happy – it’s peace on earth (except for the War on Terror) and good will towards all men (unless they’re Muslim and/or in front of us in line not going FAST enough).

I’m what the pro-Christmas people call ‘a scrooge’. A name I equate to calling a person a slut because they won’t sleep with you. Yes, I’ve been battered and vilified. Apparently, people treat you with suspicion when you don’t want to play their reindeer games. These name callers are clearly stressed out, over spending, over extending and spreading Yuletide ‘cheer’ at the top of their lungs in traffic. “How can you not like Christmas?!?” They’ll exclaim with their seasonal twitch.

Well, first off – I’m not religious. The one thing that I can say about secularists is that we don’t get drunk and start raving about the Jews conspiring against us. We get drunk and start raving about the booze conspiring against us (well, maybe that’s just me). Actually, when you’re not religious, there is no one you’re obligated to hate (unless you’ve met Oregonians – and then THEM). Not being required to hate a group of people, opens you up to hate people on an individual basis. It’s very democratic (the idea, not the party).

Anyway, back to Christmas: The Congress of the United States was in session on December 25, 1889. Call me nostalgic, but this was back when Congress actually did things (the 109th ‘ending’ is like K Fed deciding to retire). “You’ve done not much…and now you’re going to do EVEN LESS!” My point is that Christmas was not always a month (5 weeks really) long parade hysteria and pine needles. So don’t call me a Grinch. Call me old school. Call me a throw back to a time when December was dark and cold and no one would try to convince you that this was the happiest time of the year or that a Chia Pet could possibly be a good idea for a gift.

So, being a holiday noncombatant I will end with this: The ‘true meaning of Christmas’ has been restored because Wal-Mart no longer uses ‘Happy Holidays’ as a greeting. We have self-proclaimed ‘cultural warrior’ Bill O’Reilly to thank for that. He calls that a victory and the only one to get her title threatened was Miss USA…sad isn’t it?

So, on this holy day of sacrilege and sacred spending – I say bah-humbug and pass the Dim Sum!

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