Uncategorized

Someone Asked

On September 20, 2005, in Ask Tina, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Dear Tina:

My name is Katrina and ever since the hurricane people have been saying
bad things about me. What should I do?

Truly,
Not a Hurricane Katrina

Dear Not a Hurricane,

Damn. That must suck. My first thought is that you should start a support group for people named Katrina and people born on September 11th. You are the victims (albeit indirect) of national disasters, you should hang out with each other.

If it does get too much for you, you could always change your name. Yes, name changes aren’t just for people in the Witness Protection Program anymore. Our government does it ALL the time.

Especially when it comes to policy. When something doesn’t work the first time, just change what you call it so it can not work a second time.

For example:
The theory behind Iraqi Freedom, is actually “The Domino Theory” of the Eisenhower era. The ‘domino effect’ was that if Indo-China fell to communism, the entire region would follow. This justified the involvement in Vietnam. After the US left Vietnam, the theory never did prove itself.

But again, not called the same thing, the leaders of our country have stated over and over that if Iraq becomes a democracy – all of the middle east will follow. Pretty much the same principle. What’s in a name? A theory not working. If you don’t call it that – no one will remember.

Then there’s Trickle Down economics. I’m convinced that no one uses this phrase anymore because 80’s comedians started saying,”Trickle Down? They are literally telling us we are being pissed on.” And Washington got the message to change the name.

It’s now called simply ‘Tax Cuts’. The people receiving these cuts are the wealthy and that is supposed to benefit the rest of us. Same thing, different name.

The private sector, well somewhat private, can also benefit from this:

Creationism, which apparently sounded too stupid, is now Intelligent Design.

Anything called ‘anti’ was found to be ‘offensive’ and now has to be called ‘pro’ because it’s ‘defensive’. No one wants to be called a hate group when they feel they are hating the right people. Anti-black is now White Pride. Anti-gay is pro-family. Anti-women’s rights is now pro-traditional values. See, by the name, they don’t hate – they just LOVE with discretion.

So, Katrina, your name now brings up images of destruction and chaos. If you are not punk rock and don’t find that to be cool; change your name. Simple.

Just don’t change your name to Tina, because your track record stinks and history has a way of repeating itself.

Tina

Send your questions about life, love and social phenomenon to Ask Tina.

What Women Want

On September 19, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

john

Dear John Roberts,

Me: Sarcastic, under-employed humorist that spends most of her time reading obscure history books. I enjoy candle light dinners and long walks on the beach.

You: Successful, rich and good looking. You enjoy classic films such as Dr. Zhivago and North by Northwest.

This could work John! No one would have to know. After a week of seeing you questioned – I know you’re a man that can keep a secret!

Call me.

Tina

Mess in Texas

On September 17, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Ways to know your popularity ratings are really, really low:

Check out any newspaper or news broadcast for the polls. (hint, hint).

Time Magazine and Newsweek articles about your presidency are sited on Moveon.org.

The curators at the Herbert Hoover National Library and Museum are offended by the comparison to you.

When a picture of you writing a note about needing to go to the bathroom is plastered all over the world, your political capital is ALSO running a deficit.

You call for a National Day of Prayer for Katrina victims and end up being the only one your base prays for by name.

A more personable and respected former US President, holds a meeting to counter-act all your policy decisions/denials.

Dennis Miller considers becoming a liberal…again.

When people google ‘failure‘ and your whitehouse.gov bio is first, more of them laugh than write letters to complain.

And the top reason that you know that your approval ratings are dreadfully low….

Son of Florida Gov. Bush Arrested

AUSTIN, Texas – The youngest son of Florida Gov.
Jeb Bush was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials said.

That’s right, when in your home state, your drunken 21-year-old nephew gets ARRESTED, you KNOW your popularity is in the gutter. Maybe the local officials don’t like taking the blame for the federal screw ups, after all.

Poor Bill

On September 16, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

My mother has high blood pressure. Her doctor told her to change her diet. I told her to stop watching Fox News.

“Please Mom, don’t you want to live long enough to be put in that nursing home I promised you? Think of your children!”

Anyway, she tried cutting down. She won’t quit. She’s drunk on that rush of fear that comes just before the commercial break. “Will the terrorists strike in your town? Some people think so – after our break find out!”

So, this is how I know what Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Points are without ever actually watching his show. It’s my mother’s statement of any political discussion. And apparently O’Reilly, like a lot of the conservative screaming heads, is obsessed with moralizing the wretched photos of the Katrina victims. “Many, many, many of the poor in New Orleans are in that condition. They weren’t going to leave no matter what you did. They were drug-addicted,” he states. Wagging his finger at all the depravity of their ‘condition’.

The condition, that of being poor, making around $8,000 a year, is portrayed as a character flaw. If you are poor – there is something wrong with you. Never mind that 37 million Americans, or 12.7% of us are impoverished. You want to make poverty go away, make people that are poor feel bad about their situation. AS IF being poor doesn’t already suck…

Say this is true. Say it’s true that if you are poor it’s because you lack moral character. It’s because you are too lazy to go to college and get a good paying job and it is a matter of personal responsibily that you pull yourself out of that. If you don’t it’s because you’re a failure.

By that reasoning, you know whose better than all those 37 million Americans?
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paris
She’s flawless!

I too take Responsibility

On September 15, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Wow.

“And to the extent that the federal government didn’t fully do its job right, I take responsibility.”
George W. Bush Sept. 14, ‘05

If you would like to take the graphic – all you have to do is ask.

Shock and Awe

On September 13, 2005, in Favorites, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” — President Bush, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

In 1812 the United States decided to invade Canada.

Really. It’s true.

Canada was still a British colony at the time. The British army was busy with a little dude named Napoleon, known best for his namesake desserts. The English were interfering with American shipping interests. There was a desire to get the British out of North America altogether. So, congress thought it was a good idea, at an opportune time and we invaded the Canadian provinces.

The attack on Fort McHenry in Baltimore inspired the poem,”The Star Spangle Banner.” Yes, our national anthem was inspired by our valor in a war we started Canada. A nation that has been figuratively and literally looking down on us ever since.

Anyway, in 1814 the British occupied Washington DC. Seeing the incoming invasion, then First Lady Dolly Madison, also known for her namesake desserts, packed a wagon full of national treasures and fled. The same was true for the president and most of the other residents. The White House was set ablaze as with most of the city.

This was late August. You know, ‘hurricane season’. So this storm came in. Rain and wind – followed by a tornado. Not only did it put out the fires in DC, it caused mass casualties to the British invaders. And because of that, they left the city. A natural occurrence thwarted an occupation.

Americans didn’t win the War of 1812. It was a push. It could have easily gone either way. It was resolved by diplomatic relations, ironically a month before the famously victorious Battle of Orleans. It was very close.

So almost to the exact date, a 191 years ago, the White House and the country were saved by a freak storm.

No matter where your political ideals lay, you must admit Katrina changed this country.

I’ll give you an example: Two and a half years ago, Jeff Gannon, a ‘reporter’ without a publication (Talon News wasn’t even a decent blog), who was a male prostitute, was a member of the White House Press Core. A member on a DAILY basis for TWO years. TWO YEARS! So many questions are still unanswered about this one. What was an unaccredited journalist with a false identity doing in the Press Core? Why was a male prostitute regularly in the White House? Why did all the anti-gay squawkers – stay completely silent about this? Why did this outrage no one? The story broke in Feb. of this year, but never went anywhere. The only answer that I can come up with is the absolute loyalty to this administration. There is a sentiment that we are at war and part of that is trusting and hoping people with power behave themselves.

That’s ONE example out of many. That is really bad. That’s bad for our national security. That’s bad for our free press. That’s bad for our country. But we’ve been occupied. We we told to watch what we do or say. We’ve been told that if we we’re patriots we would support our leaders unconditionally. We have been told that duct tape was going to be our saving grace and dissension would get our family put in jeopardy. Being afraid – that has been an occupation for Americans. The fear of getting killed by a terrorist act coupled with the fear of being Dixie Chicked.

Then again, in late August, a freak storm changed all that.

How Bush Blew It – Newsweek

All the President’s Friends – New York Times

End of the Bush Era – The Washington Post

Living Too Much in the Bubble? – Time Magazine

The barriers of unfettering support and denial of culpability that we have had solidly in place for 5 years have been cracked open. And really, I don’t think anyone anticipated the breach of those levees.

Also posted at Thought Mechanics

Orange Alert

On September 12, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Yes, I was in the 45-minute black out. No, I was no where near an elevator. And yes, I still have my Y2K emergency kit that I restock for riots, mudslides, brown-outs, black-outs, earthquakes and grocery store strikes. The lack of electricity as with all problems in Los Angeles – just makes the countries worst traffic – even worse.

This black-out came the day after this:

orange alert

Los Angeles target in new 9-11 threat
Exactly four years after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror onslaught against the U.S., a brand new communique broadcast on ABC News is targeting Los Angeles for more attacks.

“Yesterday, London and Madrid. Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne, God willing.”

According to ABC, Gadahn went from a typical southern California teenager who liked heavy metal music to an operative for al-Qaida in just a few years. He reportedly converted to Islam at an Orange County mosque, and was influenced by terrorists who brought him to Pakistan.

Dear Terrorist that looks like Bill Gates,

I know you had a hard life growing up in Orange County. With the mind numbing track homes and the never ending strip malls. The family dinners at the Olive Garden and the birthdays at Red Lobster. The beaches and the 363 days a year of sunshine is rough on a young child. The fireworks from the ‘Happiest Place on Earth’ everyday of your life has scarred you – and now you have no choice but to use all your pent up anger at living in the one of the richest counties in the country and make terrorist videos of you dressed in a burka.

You are a POSER. I heard the tape – you grew up in Southern California and now you have a middle eastern accent. And like all the other Orange County POSERS that have threatened me personally – you creep me out but you don’t scare me.

I live in Los Angeles. I live in a city built on a fault line, with riots, freeway shootings, gang shootings, drug shootings, police shootings, domestic shootings, court house shootings, school shootings, celebrity shootings and celebratory shootings for weddings, holidays and New Years. SO, a threat by a suburban kid tied to an international terror organization? YAWN…

I need a battery operated coffee grinder for my kit….

Duct Tape

On September 11, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I found this headline:

bush Amurika will never forget September 11th. Remember? You liked me back then. I’m going to make Amurika safer. You can’t let my blank check bounce!

Run Rin Tin Tin

On September 10, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Only 38 percent of Americans approve of the way Bush is doing his job overall, a record-low for this president in the NEWSWEEK poll.

germanshepherd

The thing about partisan politics is this: You could take a German Shepherd and put a neck tie on him – say he’s a Republican or a Democrat that’s strong on defense and a friend to the American family – and he would have at least a 30% approval rating.

But who knows, I heard German Shepherds are really good in a crisis. Very protective. Very loyal to those that feed him. Smart too. Really good instincts. What I am saying is – he probably wouldn’t have hired Mike Brown to run FEMA. Maybe Rin Tin Tin would be good for the job. God knows he’d have more personality than John Kerry.

“He has no balls.”
-Swift Vets for Truth

Earth to Gulf Coast…

On September 9, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

As some of you will recall, Earth quit the Green Party and joined the GOP shortly after the 2000 election. She has been a staunch Bush supporter ever since.

If you don’t live in America and you are wondering to yourself,”Why on earth is Earth a member of the US Republican Party?” I say it’s because American politics are just that weird.

earth Stop blaming Bush.

tina Why?

earth Uh…why? It’s not time to play the blame game.

tina Okay, tell me why not.

earth It’s time to focus on the recovery effort.

tina And those that have no usable skills in that area, like Mike Brown for example – to focus on the recovery efforts – why shouldn’t we figure out what went wrong?

earth The president is taking charge. No blame game.

tina Okay, how about another game? Lets play the role playing game. Lets pretend I am the leader of the free world.

earth Okay.

tina Say, I’ve been in office for 5 years. My political party has a majority in BOTH the House and the Senate. We’ve been telling people that if we were in charge – America would be better. Now we are. So far there have been no weapons of mass destruction and no exit strategy in a preemptive war in Iraq. I am the Commander in Chief of the entire military. I tell everyone that the Abu Ghraib and Gitmo atrocities while – wide spread – have been the fault of rogue individuals. Soaring poverty and outsourcing on the home front. Tax cuts for rich people and the oil companies. I cut funding for needed infrastructure projects. I give billion dollar no-bid contracts for my friends. I side step the Bill of Rights to make us all ’safer’. Actually, that’s all I really talk about is making America safer. That’s the thing that got me elected. Make America safer – by any means necessary. And if you ask me about it – I’ve NEVER made a mistake. Ever.

earth Okay….

tina Then a natural disaster hits with a 48 hour warning. It takes another three to four days for a national response. I’m on vacation and show concern for Trent Lott’s house. A man that got FIRED as a horse inspector is in charge because he is my friend too. He’s literally letting people die in the aftermath as I tell him what a great job he’s doing. Would you blame any of that on me?

earth Well, are you a Republican?

tina Yes.

earth Then it’s not your fault.

All of California Told to Evacuate

On September 8, 2005, in Favorites, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

“…or face harsher penalties than just dying of starvation after an earthquake.” Warns Republican Senator Rick Santorum. “It’s a matter of personal responsibility that you leave now before a disaster strikes. Heed this warning.”

And Columbia Christians for Life concur. “After God smote Louisiana for having 10 abortion clinics. The next logical step is for Him to kill a bunch of impoverished Californians.”

Religious groups across the country have been calling the once known ‘hurricane season’, “God’s Wrath Upon Homosexuality Month.” As part of the celebration pillars of salt are proudly displayed in places of worship. Noting that California’s earthquakes strike at random, the groups have rejoiced at never having to pay for storage of the pillars.

California legislators passed a bill yesterday that would allow gay marriage in the state. The people at repentamerica.com said,” The citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long, they really brought this on themselves.” They are also calling for Californians to ‘watch their backs’. Stating that if you don’t hate the right people it makes God very angry.

Trailer parks across California have been put on high alert. Former First Lady Barbara Bush stated, “They are underprivileged anyway, I bet they would LOVE staying in the Astro Dome.” When told that most people that live in trailers are white, Mrs. Bush’s tone changed. “Texas has many fine hotels for any future evacuees.”

Speaker Dennis Hastert has reasoned that California has been built on a fault line. “Why would we want to re-build after a disaster? Just bulldoze the entire state and move them to Arizona.” Adding,”If you build on a ‘fault’ line – it’s your fault.”

FEMA director Mike Brown, known for trying to avert any blame, was asked about the mass evacuation of Californians to circumvent any future natural disasters. He said,”I have not heard reports of the millions of people in California.” He then turned to his assistant, “What should I wear to the Congressional Medal of Honor ceremony?”

Do as the Romans

On September 7, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Back on July 19th, 64 AD
nero

Press conference transcript with Emperor Nero and Gaius Ophonius Tigellinus, his advisor from July 26, 64 AD (a week after the Great Fire of Rome):

TIGELLINUS: Thank you for joining us today. It is very important as the fires are still smoldering and people are still suffering to not politicize this tragedy. It’s not time for the blame game. The Emperor left his vacation at his ranch in Anzio early, in order to come down and view the damage for himself. Now Nero would like to make a statement.

NERO: No one anticipated the burning of Rome. Our faith-based and community groups are responding. As some of you may know, a senator lost his home as well. Out of the rubbles of the senator’s home — there’s going to be a fantastic house. And I’m looking forward to sitting on the porch. We will re-build this city better than before the fire. It will create jobs.

TIGELLINUS: We will now open this press conference up to questions.

Q. Emperor, who will be held accountable for the slow response to this tragedy?

A. NERO: I consult with the gods on a regular basis, and we haven’t made that determination yet. There will be a full investigation by those that I trust, I can assure you. We are focused on the recovery efforts.

Q. Emperor Nero, what about those that have been made homeless by the fire?

A. NERO: Those that chose not to evacuate will be placed in temporary shelters. We are very focused on the recovery efforts.

Q. Biggest tax cut, permanent tax cut for the richest people in the empire — in view of the national crisis, in view of the deficit –

TIGELLINUS: The highest priority for this administration right now is the ongoing response and recovery efforts.

Q. With such a slow response to the city burning, and our defenses sent to foreign lands, what if Rome were attacked by our enemies?

NERO: Hehehe. We are securing the Roman people by staying on the offensive abroad. It is important to realize that Rome is at war with violent extremists and this should not deter our efforts to hunt down those that are called ‘Christians’. They never stop thinking about how to harm and kill Romans and neither do we.

TIGELLINUS: That is all the questions we have time for today. I know that tempers are flaring right now but I have confidence that history will record the truth about this event. We are very busy focusing on recovery efforts. Thank you for stopping by.

And present day:
guitar

It says it’s ‘intelligent’ right in the name

On September 6, 2005, in Favorites, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

This was in the New York Times August 31, 2005:

The poll found that 42 percent of respondents held strict creationist views, agreeing that “living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.”

I like creationism better than science. I like debates with the lack of argument. If you believe in creationism – there’s no argument because you’re right – regardless of facts.

Science is hard to study. There are so many books that you have to read and understand in order to be a scientist. To be a creationist – there’s only one Book – and you don’t really have to understand it. Now which is more appealing to you?

Think of creationism as mental streamlining. All those pesky questions and inconsistencies you have in science – all go away with one sentence. The sentence,”God created the world 6,000 years ago, any evidence to the contrary is wrong.” *SIGH* See how a big weight is just lifted off your shoulders by that? All that scientific inquiry causes stress – and stress causes grimacing – grimacing is ugly – therefore scientific inquiry makes you ugly. Don’t be ugly – you were intelligently designed to be beautiful. But not sexual – that’s bad.

Anywho, The Science Channel or as I like to call it – The It’s-Just-A-Theory Channel – won’t tell you about creationism. Because they are propagating lies.

science
There are 2 million species recorded on this planet.

bla
Two of every animal were saved on Noah’s Arc.

science
Genetic sequence evidence. “Neutral human DNA sequences are approximately 1.2% divergent (based on substitutions) from those of their nearest genetic relative, the chimpanzee.”

bla
Adam and Eve – you godless monkey!

science
The planet Earth is around 4.4 billion years old – has gone through atmospheric changes both violent and long term.

bla
Nu huh.

science
There is a rock and fossil record.

bla
Is not.

science
The evolution theory is supported by the mutating of viruses. Those are changes we have witnessed in our life time.

bla
La la la la – I’m not listening.

See – it’s so easy!

The Elephant in the Living Room

On September 5, 2005, in Favorites, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I view stand up comedy as the firing lines of entertainment. It really is. You are right there for the re-action to whatever you say on stage. Other performers in other genres get nasty letters or ratings. When you’re a stand up – they are either laughing or they aren’t. You know instantly how they feel about something you just said.

So when you spend the week watching videos of human suffering. Wretched, outrageous, miserable, unnecessary suffering – let alone of your countrymen – but of your fellow human beings – of quite possibly your friends – it doesn’t matter because you still have a job to do. And your job is to go on stage and regardless of how you feel – make people laugh.

So I had a gig near Vegas this weekend. Before the show I was talking to the headliner about the hurricane. I started ranting about the incompetency of our government. Blah blah. I was all worked up. Angry. Two seconds later – the show started. A little flustered, I got on stage – did my material. They were laughing. I felt distracted. They didn’t notice.

Then I said that my family was from a little town in Louisiana. I felt a gasp from the crowd.

“It’s still there, don’t worry.” I said to re-assure them.

I said some of the stuff I wrote about on this blog last week. That this is the second Hurricane Katrina to threaten my family – my uncle married the first one. They laughed, this time a little tense. I did a joke about how cool New Orleans is as a city. Then I said that I wanted to go down there and help, but my only usable skill is what I am doing right now – making people laugh. “That’s how we heal – that’s how we know we’ll be okay – when we can laugh.” That got a bigger re-action.

Then I said, “The people of the gulf coast don’t want a moment of silence. They want a moment of a much fucking noise as you can make! Let them hear you!” The crowd went NUTS. Then I brought on the next comedian.

I got backstage and the headliner threw her arms around me. “You did good.” Go ahead and judge me if you’d like – I started crying. The enormity of it all suddenly hit me.

Then I sat down and watched the other comics address it in their own way as well.

What I realized is that I don’t get the luxury of not saying anything (ahem Democrats). I am PAID to say something – I can say anything I want – as long as its funny. There is a responsibility that goes with that. Sometimes you are obligated to talk about the elephant in the living room.

My humor is a personal survival technique. This weekend, stand up comedy became something that wasn’t about me – but about giving other people hope through that perspective.

Tina Dupuy