I am going to admit something to you, dear readers. I look down upon people that watch reality shows. I make fun of them. I insult them to their faces. I insult them behind their backs. I generally think they are gullible. It’s a cheap form of entertainment; making rich kids do manual labor, making pretty people eat bugs and getting semi-famous people to be bitchy on camera. The reality genre is the polyester of entertainment – if there is a wrinkle – it’s because it was designed that way.
But then, I woke up this morning and felt a little excitement in my heart that I had Tivo-ed CSPAN. I thought about the Mier’s nomination, Plame-Gate and Bush’s sinking approval ratings with the joy I imagine children have for Christmas.
Then it hit me: I am a reality show junkie. Oh, I pretend that I’m better than the people that watch Survivor – but now I see that we are kindred spirits. Politics IS my reality show.
And while most simple ‘reality’ television dramas have an hour to watch each week. Political junkies have entire libraries and whole cable channels completely devoted to our fix. Think of Civics Class as a ‘gateway drug’ to an entire world of depravity. You can turn back to history, you can project about the future – the Universe is circular and that’s why in politics – WE SPIN AND SPIN.
I can’t imagine politics being anymore entertaining than they are right now. I really can’t.
The list goes on and on!!!
What entertains me more than anything right now is the Religious Right (I’m a comic, I laugh at premises instead of punchlines). It’s such an easy set-up. Like the cinematic main stay, if you have a gun in the first act – someone HAS to die in the third. If you claim moral superiority, you are GOING to be found to be just as morally inferior as the REST OF US. It’s just a matter of time. Publicity coupled with self-righteousness, a heavy dose of finger wagging and new political power? You’re just BEGGING for it! That up coming debacle is akin to SWEEPS WEEK for this ongoing saga!
The Religious Right really is funny. America has the worst obesity epidemic in the world. What’s their Sin Du Jour? Gluttony? No. It’s gays being legally bound to each other and birth control. About 12% of this country is impoverished. Who do they reach out to? The poor and disenfranchised? No. They reach out to the rich and the political elite. To help the poor? No.
The Religious Right reaches out to the political elite to keep the poor – single, if they’re gay and abortion free, if they’re straight.
Jesus should copyright his name and likeness as to not have his stock go down by shoddy imitators. – Oh but that’s another post for another time.
Anyway, the point is: I’m enthralled. This is BETTER than an election year!
You’re NOT going to believe this!
Class action sought for ‘Dr. Phil’ diet suit
Unhappy dieters say they lost dollars, not pounds
Of all the people that you see on television, you’re going to take weight loss supplements with a picture of WHOSE double chin on it?
I have a version of the Dr. Phil Ultimate Weight Solution:
The first step is acquiring a life size cut out of the portly television personality. There are many Kinkos that will do this cheaper than the price of his book. If you really want to be a purist – get a photo of him nude.
Then you put that cut out in the room where you have most of your meals. If you’re like me, there is only one room, besides the bathroom to choose from. Note: most restaurants will not be into this diet program. You can scream about Free Speech – write letters with attorney stationery – try to stage a protest yadda yadda – but little can be done for them to accommodate you while on this diet. Best done on your own property where decency isn’t enforced…YET.
Now it takes a lot of self-control, but it is imperative to the diet’s success that you look at your cut-out during meals and:
Then REPEAT.
Feel the burn? That’s your common sense muscle getting a work out! Didn’t know you had one of those? It’s one of the many life-fulfilling benefits of this simple diet.
This AMAZING life-changing plan can be YOURS! Simple send 3 installments of $19.95 to my PayPal account. And tune in daily to The Sardonic Sideshow, for more helpful tips.
Bush Names Harriet Miers to Supreme Court
White House Counsel Would Replace Retiring Sandra Day O’Connor
Harriet Miers met George W. back in 1980, around the same time Karl Rove met Bob Novak.
Cue Friends theme song.
” But … I’ll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you
Like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
’cause you’re there for me too.”
Miss Miers has never worked as a judge. Ah, have judged not? Now ye be judged!
Will she do a ‘heck of a job’?
Seriously, will Harriet Miers be a good judge?
According to an article in Salon Magazine, October 3, 2005, Miers has called President Bush “the most brilliant man I have ever met.” link
UH…so far NO!
But I am going to have an open mind. I am. What’s the worse that could happen?
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once — shame on — shame on you. You fool me, you can’t get fooled again.” George W. Bush, Sep. 17, 2002
Buying of News by Bush’s Aides Is Ruled Illegal
NYTimes
WASHINGTON, Sept. 30 – Federal auditors said on Friday that the Bush administration violated the law by buying favorable news coverage of President Bush’s education policies, by making payments to the conservative commentator Armstrong Williams and by hiring a public relations company to analyze media perceptions of the Republican Party.
And
The auditors declared: “We see no use for such information except for partisan political purposes. Engaging in a purely political activity such as this is not a proper use of appropriated funds.”
‘Illegal’, has such a negative sound to it. This is just another example of the courts and the LAWS out to get such wonderfully moral people in the Bush Administration. This is a witch hunt. A travesty of justice.
If the law is BROKE – it’s time to change it!
Speaking of broke…the funny-funny, here on my blog and what I bring on stage BARELY pays for the electricity to run my TiVo. I AM TOTALLY OKAY WITH BEING A WELL PAID SHILL.
Hint. Hint. Hint.
“You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down”, said William Bennett. The same man that had prominent posts in the administrations of Reagan and Bush Sr., who is currently a syndicated radio talk show host/author of a really preachy book. Audio here. Other story here.
The book Freakonomics, which Bennett mentioned, talks about the aborting of unwanted children decreased the crime rate 20 years later.
But instead of UNWANTED – Bennett said BLACK.
“Hello Bennett, my name is Freud…
look at my new slip – I was going to go
with a more neutral color – but instead I went with BLACK.”
First off: I was shocked by this comment. Shocked! Shocked! Shocked! Mainly because I haven’t heard any member of the GOP actually be honest about how they feel about black people since Strom Thurmond died.
Shocked because being OVERTLY racist is TOTALLY out of fashion. We’re talking SERIOUS retro faux pas. Ever since the major party conventions started to look like a United Colours of Benneton Ad – racism is out! Gay bashing, poverty dismissing and immigrant blaming – IN!
Hate doesn’t bother us. It’s hating the RIGHT kind of people, that is important.
It angers us because Bennett was implying that ALL black people are criminals. Let’s face it. That’s not true of any group, except the Italians.
Bennett now says that what he said was taken out of context and it was hypothetical. Not possible. He said it.
HOWEVER, there’s still a bit of free speech left. As long as you don’t say it in the context of anything sexual. Or anything in Arabic. Or anything with ‘foul language’. Or anything non-Christian. Or anything MODERATE and INFORMED, for that matter.
I defend his right to say really STUPID, things – AND I defend my RIGHT to make fun of him for it – until you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Let’s face it, ever since science started trolling the churches, kidnapping God-fearing folk and brainwashing them with their ‘theories’ – they’ve gained momentum as a group. They have gotten their agenda passed through the courts – their doctrine is now taught in schools and their followers are regularly shown on PBS.
This powerful lobby is single handedly responsible for us ALL having to needlessly learn algebra. The monsters!
I ask – what has science really done for this country? Where was SCIENCE when the towers fell? Did science find WMDs in Iraq? NO. Did SCIENCE ever find a connection between Osama and Iraq? NO. Has SCIENCE made us safer? Well, they would like us to THINK that, wouldn’t they?
Science hasn’t done anything for the public good. Did SCIENCE show up and feed Katrina victims? No, they weren’t there. Has science ever resolved conflict? No. No, they’ve left that burden to the courts! Has science ever consoled the grieving? No, that’s for our under-funded churches to attend to.
It’s disgusting. Scientists want us to believe that sex isn’t dirty! Even pre-marital sex! Even the kind you PAY for – they claim is it ‘natural’. This code word ‘natural’ has been used in place of the more commonly known word ’sinful’. It’s all a part of their attempt to equate humans with some kind of filthy animal. Namely monkeys. Science is calling our families – our children- monkeys!
Science is immoral. It is indecent. It is obscene. It is rife with perversion. It is obsessed with the abnormal. It has no respect for the dead. It objectifies women. It arrogantly refutes most of the bible. It’s at war with traditional values! The only VALUE science holds is for more SCIENCE! It propagates LIES and muddies the truth for our families – for our children! It’s a corrosion of our culture – of our way of life.
What kind of group wants to play God and disprove His existence at the SAME TIME?!? That’s right. They’re worse than the ACLU!
How many good moral people must fall victim to scientific proof before it is stopped?
There are elected officials – right now – sitting in Washington DC – that BELIEVE in science! That’s right. Off the record, they would swear by it. These beliefs influence every decision made by them. It’s time to weed out the renegades. It’s time to call for a separation of State and Science!
If science is so great – then let the Japanese KEEP it. It’s un-American. It’s anti-American. It’s the opposite of everything we stand for. And we’re not going to stand for it anymore!
DeLay Indicted in Texas Fundraising Probe
WASHINGTON – House Majority Leader
Tom DeLay was indicted by a Texas grand jury Wednesday on a charge of conspiring to violate political fundraising laws, forcing him to temporarily step aside from his GOP post. He is the highest-ranking member of Congress to face criminal prosecution.
Tom Delay, ‘The Hammer’ – too legit!
Delay likes to say that he’s a victim of a partisan witch hunt. In reality, he’s the pick in a large scale scavenger hunt. ‘Crooked Texans with Ethical Violations’ is second on the list after ‘Horse Fondling Incompetent Crony’. Next on the list is ‘Insider Trading Faux Doctor Leader’ (ahem Frist).
Then the list gets HARDER: a hybrid that gets BETTER gas mileage than the Civic and a long term celebrity marriage.
On the subject of rare findings:
Scientists in Japan caught pictures of a LIVE GIANT SQUID for the first time EVER!
I never thought I would be able to find out who Deep Throat was AND see a photo of a live giant squid in the span of a year! It’s an exciting time to be a geek, people!
Societies worse off ‘when they have God on their side’
By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent
RELIGIOUS belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.
I think we can all agree that claiming sole morality is (ironically) unscrupulous. I also think we can all agree that the Inquisition, the Crusades and the witch hunts were NOT secular events. So maybe it’s time to call a stalemate on the self-righteousness.
I’ll start: Just because I think EVERYONE is amusingly flawed – does not make me better than other people.
Phew. That was difficult. Let’s hope that starts the healing.
***
Politicians have hijacked God – but we don’t negotiate with terrorists. No. We fight them over there…
UH…
I read the journal cited in the article. You can find it here.
There’s some pretty heavy observations in there. Most of which, I think I’m going to have to chew on for a couple of days.
Here’s a thought:
And here I thought it was public speaking.
It’s your money. You paid for it.
— George W. Bush in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 2000
Bush plea for cash to rebuild Iraq raises $600
Mark Townsend in Houston
Sunday September 25, 2005
The Observer
An extraordinary appeal to Americans from the Bush administration for money to help pay for the reconstruction of Iraq has raised only $600 (£337), The Observer has learnt.
Just so you don’t think I’m making this up. Here is the website where you can give.
See, major combat operations ended in 2003.
I want to give money to help re-build Iraq. I pay taxes.
But due to no fault of my own, I had several costs that I didn’t prepare for. Pottery Barn has this rule, “You break it, you buy it.” Well, I’m very clumsy. I break a lot of stuff. Stuff that I don’t have the money to pay for. I’ve run up a lot of debt. Money gets misplaced or stolen. Sometimes, I lose it. My finances are such a DISASTER that I think I should hire Mike Brown as a consultant.
It’s HARD. It’s just HARD.
So charity to re-build Iraq, I hope you take checks!
Just kidding. I’m not writing them a check. I’m not donating to Katrina or Rita charities either. From now on – I’m cutting out the ‘middle men’ of philanthropy and just like the rest of Americans, I’m giving all my money to Halliburton!
USA Today
Clinton used to help protect against HIV — literally
BEIJING (AP) — A rubber company in China has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky.Spokesman Liu Wenhua, of the Guangzhou Rubber Group, said the company was handing out 100,000 free Clinton and Lewinsky condoms as part of a promotion to raise consumer awareness of its new products.
Liu said the company had chosen to use the Clinton name because consumers viewed the 42nd president as a responsible person, who would want to stress safe sex as an effective way to prevent the spread of the HIV virus.
My suggestion for an advertising slogan:
Screw the cigar and use a Bubba Rubba!
You got one? Leave it in the comments area.
Did you hear that George W. fell off the wagon? The National Enquirer, written specifically for the inquiring minds of America, reports that Bush started drinking again under the stress of Hurricane Katrina.
In short, this rumor – whether it’s true or not – is suppose to hint at – whether intentionally leaked or not – that Bush isn’t a heartless, uncaring, CEO president. He’s very sensitive, caring and compassionate conservative. So caring, in fact that it drove him to drink.
All the great presidents have had their personal demons. Bill Clinton and JFK, had a thing for the ladies. Lincoln had a thing for the guys. Other greats had health issues that plagued them. George Washington gave short and concise speeches due to the pain of talking with wooden teeth. FDR, was confined to a wheel chair. I pose the question: was Reagan a great president IN SPITE of his Alzheimer’s, or was having Alzhiemer’s what made him seem great?
If Bush wants to be more FDR and less Nixon – vulnerability is the way to go.
This drinking rumor is straight out of the Hollywood play book. After Alexander, stunk up theaters – Oliver Stone got sent to rehab. I suspect that this was a way to avoid the ‘blame game’ for making such an awful waste-of-my-life film. Ah, but if old Demon Alcohol, is responsible – well, that’s understandable isn’t it? Maybe then I won’t sue him to get my $10 with interest, back. No, if he promises to never make another movie like that, I’d personally give Stone another $10, to stay in rehab even longer.
Now that the Katrina death toll has reached over 1,000, and all the other natural disasters that had a comparable death tolls in this country, all happened before the advent of the helicopter. High gas prices, the economy, a couple of wars that have never seem to be run well and sinking popularity polls. I’m thinking there is a Pat O’Brien on Dr. Phil-esque moment coming up for this administration.
Remember that new low for television when Dr. Phil made Pat O’Brien listen the the tapes of his drunk dialing?
Visualize soft light and plants in the back ground. Dr. Phil and Bush both clad in polos sitting in armchairs. This is how I imagine it:
Pat O’Brien:BUSH: To get the second chance, and I think this is a country that allows second chances. We’ve had celebrities who’ve gotten second chances … It’s my turn on this planet to get a second chance.Dr. Phil: Do you deserve a second chance?
Pat O’Brien:BUSH: Absolutely. I’m a good person, but I’ve gone through a horrendous few weeks. I’ve been through rehabilitation and I’m doing all the right things to get myself back on track.Dr. Phil: This all came to a head as a product of one weekend several weeks ago in New
YorkOrleans. Tell me what happened that weekend.
Pat O’Brien:BUSH: Everybody has a bottom. And I hit my bottom that horrible weekend in NewYorkOrleans. Do I remember most of it? No. And that’s where the bottom is. It was a weekend of fun, I thought, a weekend of drinking, which turned into a little bit of craziness.Dr. Phil: This ended badly with you being on the cover of every tabloid and many of the newspapers in the country, so it was more than a little bit of craziness.
Pat O’Brien:BUSH: I kept doing the same thing over and over again expecting another outcome. That’s the definition of insanity … I was out of it, Phil.Dr. Phil: When I first heard this, having known you, it comes to my mind: What the hell were you thinking?
Pat O’Brien:BUSH: And that’s what’s coming to my mind right now: What was I thinking? You don’t think I’ve asked myself that question? … I was out of control. It was a drunkenPat O’Brien:George W. making a stupid, ridiculous, shameful, self-centered horribletapeseries of speeches and decisions… I’ll take responsibility for every word of that because I did it and that’s my voice, but Phil, that is not me. I was fueled up on alcohol. I’m an alcoholic; I’m an addict. I was saying things that when I hear them, I can’t believe I said them. I don’t remember saying it. It’s so hurtful I’ve already blocked it out. I mean, it’s ridiculous. But what made it OK? Four bottles of wine and two bottles of champagne. I blame myself.
*sniffle* Pass the Kleenex!
*sniffle* You’re forgiven.
You’ll get my support for social security reform now, Mr. President! Let’s fight and win the War on Porn!
Rita is now a Cat 5.
I thought this year’s new hour-drama season was supposed to be the scariest thing on TV.
Who knew it would be beat out by The Weather Channel.
