Uncategorized

Stopped at Riverside

On November 14, 2005, in Hey Look, I'm a Writer, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

That was a Special Election. The kind fit for a short bus. It reminded me of prom. Tons of hype coupled with tons of money and in the end the only thing notable was a man being metaphorically neutered for his bravado.

What I have gathered from these smaller elections, here and around the country is that there is a trend on the ballot these days to try to pass annoying laws. Annoying, in the sense that they cause MORE bureaucracy in an attempt to legislate morality all under the guise of conservatism.

This week, Texas passed a law that would outlaw gay marriage. Not that it was legal there before, but now marriage there is specifically between a man and a woman. And I’m sure Texas is a better place for it.

Kansas passed a measure that would allow something known as Intelligent Design to be taught in the classroom. We’ll all keep track of the Nobel Prize winning scientists to come out of Kansas public school system, deal?

Here in California, we had Prop. 73 which would require a pregnant minor notify someone before she was to get an abortion. It didn’t have to be her parents; it could have been a judge. Public humiliation for what should be a private medical procedure. The measure failed, mainly because Schwarzenegger endorsed it. Thanks Kindergarten Cop!

These voter initiatives all come from the idea that if we as a society object to someone doing something, or even worse – believing something – it should therefore be illegal. That is our only recourse. Suddenly, a free society has come to mean that we are all free to know what people are doing and not like what we see. Being an American has become a big reality show where we get to know all and judge accordingly.

I’m speaking, of course, about American society as a whole. Not Los Angeles.

My family back in Texas and Louisiana think that Los Angeles, is a hive of liberalism and perversion. I think it’s perverse to call Los Angeles liberal at all. Los Angeles, is ‘old school’ conservative. The brand that existed before the Religious Right (or “correct” as they like to think of themselves) hijacked the GOP and started collectively being the squeaky wheel of the nation. I say this because in Los Angeles, commerce weighs in greater than morality. Less government interference. If the economy is strong who cares about the rest? What I do in the privacy of my own home is none of your business. Free market, enterprise and capitalism. In short: we are usually against annoying laws on principle.

No, here moral crusades stop around Riverside and then get ignored.

In Los Angeles, it is possible, and I’m sure happens all the time, that you can have an entire conversation about pornography and not be talking about sex. Because in Los Angeles, and more specifically the San Fernando Valley, pornographers are also homeowners, tax payers and the people that hire you to cater their kid’s birthday party.

It’s a city where “anti-gay” means that the new decorations on Santa Monica Boulevard are too tacky or not tacky enough, as the case may be.

Actually, it is really hard to be anti any group of people. Because no matter how long you live here, you will eventually end up being lost in one of their neighborhoods. Personally, I was prejudice against the neuvo riche until my car broke down in Beverly Hills and then I found out that they are not all that bad.

So when I saw the preliminary results on the election, and Prop. 73 were really close but LA hadn’t been counted yet. I knew the measure was toast. If they were waiting on LA to weigh in, I knew the tally would be heavy on the ‘get lost’ side.

Take the prolonged attempt to ban lap dances. The ban was passed by the city council. Then fiercely challenged. Then quietly compromised. All because the opposition claimed that it would hurt the city’s economy. The patrons could just take their sin-money but more importantly their money-MONEY to Vegas. The proponents claim strip clubs are hotbeds of prostitution. Uh, sorry, you’re going to have to go a little farther South on The 5 to sell moral outrage.

I say this to the other end of the political spectrum as well. If you want support for your cause in LA, whatever it may be – whatever you do – don’t cause more traffic. We can be Anti-War all day long, but come time for us to go somewhere and we are ALL Pro-Shut the hell up and get out of my way!

I know it’s archaic and almost difficult to imagine conservatism sans a bible. But it used to exist. I see Los Angeles as a throw back to it. A city that can easily say, ”No we’re not liberal. We just really don’t care.”

Stop Googling Yourself!

On November 8, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Once you get outed online as being an ex-member of an infamous religious cult, you start to develop a habit of putting your name into search engines.

This time I found out that there is a rare breed of dog named Braque Dupuy.

I proudly announced this new found fact to my boyfriend.

To which he quipped,”I bet it’s neurotic.”

To which I asked,”Are you calling me fat?!?”

****

Comics as a rule are insane. Yeah, they look cool up there cracking jokes. They ARE ALL INSANE.

Take for example, a meeting I recently had with a personal manager. This man has represented or does represent some of my favorite comedians.

Here’s an excerpt from our conversation:

He said,”(Name deleted) is a brilliant comedian. No one would follow him at the Improv.”

What I heard was,”Tina, you suck.”

He said,”He is such a smart guy, went to (Ivy League School name deleted) you know?”

What I heard was,”Tina, you’re stupid and you suck.”

He said,”Even her BONES are funny.”

What I heard was,”Tina, your ‘funny bone’ is hacky. And you SUCK!”

****

I’m the kind of person that gets my feelings hurt when I don’t get spam for an hour.

Anyone? Just me?

I have no idea where this post is going.

Such a Special Election: No on Prop. 73

On November 7, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

Being a teenager sucks. It’s a brief moment in your life where you have all the physical ability of an adult and the legal status of a 2-year-old. Constitutional rights don’t apply to minors in this country. Right to bear arms? Right to vote? Right against unwarranted search and seizures? Right to a speedy trial? Nope. There are laws for minors, but they are not in the Constitution. There is a movement in this country to give constitutional rights to fetuses? I say – aim lower – start with 16-year-olds.

Proposition 73 wants to amend the constitution of California so that doctors must notify the parents of girls under the age of 18 before performing an abortion. This would give an already legally impotent group of people – even fewer rights by implementing the same red tape that exists for a school field trip.

Both pro and con on this issue claim to be for the safety of teens. The argument for the amendment says that already over 30 states have similar laws in effect. Safety? I’ll buy that. But the idea of, “Well, they do it like this in Alabama.” is not a good selling point.

The million signatures the proponents boast to have gathered are understandable. The feeling is, “I don’t like abortions, and I especially don’t like the idea of teenagers having sex – where do I sign?”

I don’t like abortions, either. Who LIKES abortions? Liking an abortion is like LOVING a root canal. It’s not pretty. Actually it’s pretty gross to think about. But thank God no one has tried to make root canals illegal on the grounds of their being gross to think about.

I also don’t like the idea of young kids having sex. That’s why I don’t watch the WB! I would tell any teenager who would listen (yeah right) that they should stop imitating Paris Hilton, read a book and stop kicking the back of my seat at the movie theater. If you could put all that on a ballot – you’d get my vote. Otherwise, teenagers are going to have sex regardless of the tally.

But this proposition claims its ‘for our daughters’ safety, health and protection’. Really? How are those three things going to be accomplished by permission slips? If this measure passes, the girls could still bypass their parents being notified by going to a judge. So, what is this about?

It’s really about what Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner wrote in their book Freakonomics: “For certain types of misbehavior, social incentives are terribly powerful. In an echo of Hester Prynne’s scarlet letter, many American cities now fight prostitution with a “shaming” offensive, posting convicted johns (and prostitutes) on websites and local-access television.”

Proposition 73 is a shaming offensive. Don’t have sex because you’ll get pregnant and if you get pregnant you will either have to go to your parents or a judge and then everyone will know what you did.

I know some of you are thinking, “Good. Being a young girl and getting an abortion is nothing to be proud of.” To you I ask: Who is ever proud of getting an abortion? And why does being under 18 make public humiliation not only acceptable but necessary and appropriate?

My main problem with this tactic is that it makes pregnancy a punishment and bureaucracy a consequence. All before you get to ENJOY some of the freedoms we fought so hard to have in this country: like drinking, smoking, gambling, owning a gun and SIGNING petitions to annoy teenagers.

And the shame and punishment belong only to the girl in the situation. I would be more likely to support this initiative if there were a notification to the father’s parents, too. “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Congratulations. It seems your 25-year-old son was trolling the high school again. You’re being notified that he got one pregnant. Please deal with him accordingly.”

Unlike other initiatives for this special election, (i.e., teachers, public employees and seniors) the people this law effects most can’t vote on it. Aside from the moral issues raised by abortion, this amendment is cruel and unusual punishment for a small minority of the population. And yes, they do need protecting. They should be protected from Proposition 73.

Women’s Libby…

On November 5, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

So the funny and talented Abby Taylor over at Falafel Sex (named because Bill O’Reilly confused a loofah with a vegetarian staple food) did a post about Lewis Scooter Libby being an erotica writer.

First off, Abby cracks me up. She’s twisted and dark. Really, she makes me giggle like a 4-year-old watching the Teletubbies (are they still on the air?). Anyway, it’s embarrassing at times.

So I asked her where the idea of Scooter writing bad erotica came from.

She said,”It’s true.”

I said,”Shut up.”

She said,”No, really.”

I said,”Shut up!”

Well, folks here’s the link on Amazon.com.

libby

Uh huh, and an excerpt:

lib

Dwarf? What? Bath? Shudder.

The description on the back cover:

lib

“His involvement with the mysterious travelers plunge him headlong into murder, passion and heart-stopping chases through the snow”?

Looks like someone had a premonition of prison!

Valerie Plame dedicated her life to her country as an under cover CIA agent. Then because her husband decided to call ‘bullshit’ on this administration’s case for war, her identity and her career were blown.

So far, the only person to go to jail is a journalist that talks like she’s doing a Hudsucker Proxy impression at all times. The only person indicted is a historically irrelevant erotica writer whose ‘cover story‘ was the worst piece of fiction I had ever heard until I read an excerpt from his novel.

Then I ask, what was going to be restored to the White House? I think ‘dignity’ and ‘integrity’ are brands of copper pipping or spackle. That’s the only way any of us can say with a straight face,”Dignity has restored the White House.”

And BTW, Copper piping could do a ‘heck of a job’ on leaks!

Baby You Can Drive My Car

On November 2, 2005, in Favorites, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I had what I called a ‘comedy car’. My neighbor referred to it as “Your Cholo Ride”. It was a 1989 Nissan 240SX. The muffler fell off. It ran good enough without it. I enjoyed setting off a series of car alarms every time I drove down the street. I thought of it as my pronouncement of mobility. Everyone knew when I coming back from the grocery store.

It also had some electronic issues.

For some unexplained reason when I honked the horn, the doors would lock.

The previous owner had installed an alarm that was malfunctioning. So the car would CHIRP every couple of minutes. It was the thing that went TWEET in the night.

The driver’s key hole was broken. The passenger’s window was askew, so you could only close the door when the window was rolled down. Which the window wouldn’t roll down if you pushed the inside button for the door locks.

One time I had a parking space with the passenger door against a wall. The doors decided to lock on their own in the middle of the night. The only entry that my key would be of any use was in the trunk/fastback. So I opened the back and crawled through. Which wouldn’t have been that bad if the latch release wasn’t so stubborn that day, as to not let the back seat go down.

The fastback wind shield wiper wouldn’t shut off unless you had the defogger on. The defogger had to be re-set every 3-minutes. Eventually, the back wiper would still be going even with the defogger on. People would honk at me in traffic to tell me, what was obvious to me: my back windshield wiper was screeching across the back window on the sunniest of days. I lifted the wiper up, so it would just frantically wave back and forth. I did consider putting a hula girl on it so she would dance for the cars in back of me.

It was all glamor though. It broke down in the LA TWICE, in Arizona ONCE and didn’t want to pass smog. The radio and the A/C never worked.

The windshield fluid squirted the top of the car and whatever or whomever was unfortunate enough to be on the side of the vehicle. Back and to the left – but never on the actual windshield.

I would valet the car just to make the attendants laugh. “If you park it up front with the Jags, there’s a bigger tip in it for you.”

Now you tell me, would any self-respecting Cholo drive this car? No, this was a comedy car!

But through all of this, with regular maintenance, the engine started and the breaks stopped. Most people in LA have a close relationships with their hairdressers. I have one with my mechanic. Because of my beater, I’ve paid off most of his mortgage. In return he named his first born after me.

However, this car got me to almost 1000 shows around town. It took me to my first road gig, three hours away from home. It was paid for. It was faster than most 4-cylinders. The seats were comfortable and my dog enjoyed the rides.

I have refused to think that I have an emotional attachment to a car. But then someone pointed out to me that hate is an emotion.

I realized that I feel about this car like we all feel about that crazy relative we all have. Yeah, they are an embarrassment, they do stupid stuff all the time, but without them as a conversation starter – life is just a little dull.

Well, this week, actually yesterday, I sold my comedy car. I sold it to a 240SX enthusiast. I call them Nissan Treckies. It’ll be fixed up and re-sold as another incarnation. But for me, it’s gone.

I bought the first new car I have ever owned it my life. I have had a series of shitty cars. I have never owned a car with A/C, a radio, air bags, or cup holders – let alone that ‘new car smell’. Actually, to be honest, my new car – I don’t own it, the bank does. They let me drive it because I’ve agreed to pay them APR.

The new car is boring. Everything works. It has key less entry, power windows, good gas mileage, tilt steering, an array of cupholders and a warranty! In short, there is no poetry to it. No personality. No soul. It’s a rental car model. One in a FLEET of clones.

I’m considering the following as a bumper sticker for my new car:

-My other car was entertaining

-Honk if your car is exactly like mine!

-Appreciate My Depreciation

-Caution: Total Sell-Out on Board

Happy Halloween

On October 31, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

ghost

Today is a very religious day on the Catholic calender. Instead of one saint per day like the other religious holidays. Today we celebrate ALL of them.

Etymology: short for All Hallow Even (All Saints’ Eve)

I’ll pick a few:

GENESIUS of Rome: Patronage: actors, attorneys, barristers, clowns, comedians, comediennes, comics, converts, dancers, epilepsy, epileptics, lawyers, musicians, printers, stenographers, torture victims

Vitus:
Patronage: actors; against animal attacks; against dog bites; against lightning; against oversleeping; against storms; against wild beasts, comedians; comediennes; Czechoslovakia; dancers; dog bites; dogs; epilepsy; epileptics; Forio, Italy; lightning; oversleeping; Prague, Czech Republic; rheumatic chorea; Saint Vitus Dance; snake bites; storms; Vacha, Germany; Zeven, Germany

But enough of 4th Century Roman murder victims that are now the saints of comedians AND epileptics.

Lets get down to the real meaning of this holiday.

candy

Yep. Diabetic comas!

Happy Halloween!

Libby Bitty Trouble

On October 28, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

libby

Wow. Watergate started with Liddy – Plame-Gate starts with Libby.

It has begun!

Major (babe) Paul Hackett

On October 25, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

hackett

If you haven’t read this article in Salon yet. You should.

This caught me off guard and cracked me up. The question was about the war in Iraq.

The Bush administration says there’s progress.

Bullshit.

Paul Hackett announced he is running for a Senate seat in Ohio.

Young, good looking, idealistic, out-spoken, good looking, war vet, intelligent, and good looking.

Some people say he’s another JFK.

May I remind all of you, that that was EXACTLY what people said about another young politician in Ohio, that went by the name of Jerry Springer.

The only politician that was really another JFK, was John Forbes Kerry. And I know it’s been an entire year – but I’m STILL pissed at him!

Hackett is not another JFK, but he is good looking.

Strange Times.

On October 22, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Today’s post: some things I found on what we used to call The Information Super Highway and now I just refer to as Intellectual Quicksand (whatever you do – don’t struggle).

A DeLay’d Re-action.

The infamous smug shot of Tom DeLay. When the Harris County Jail photographer takes your picture, it shouldn’t look like an ad for Colgate Whitening Toothpaste. No matter how many times you’ve been indicted and not convicted.

Other news:

“The Criminalization of Politics” the new sound byte for the troubled GOP.

It’s the “Weapons of mass destruction” for Fall 2005.

Okay, when leaders screw up it’s ‘politicizing’ to point it out. Like during Katrina when there were people STILL stuck on their roof tops and in the Super Dome and Mike Brown needed more than 20-minutes to eat his meals. Don’t politcize FEMA, a national tragedy.

When leaders are making slim to mediocre arguments for war for example , it’s again ‘politicizing‘. My question is: How does one not politicize war? It’s like watering the ocean.

Now it’s ‘Criminalization of Politics’. Which hidden in that sound byte, means that the outing of Valerie Plame was a casualty of the business of politics. Friendly fire. It’s equating it to an innocuous little mud slinging. Oh, boys will be boys!

We don’t BREAK laws because we MAKE laws. You can’t criminalize crime – because that would make us criminals. If you legalize the law – then it won’t be illegal.

You can just FEEL George Orwell and Hunter S. Thompson’s irritation from their graves.

And in the other strange, yet amusing story I found today:

twins
Finally twins creepier than the Olsens.

These two from the group “Prussian Blue” are the Double Mint Gum of the White Nationalist Movement.

In an effort of full disclosure: I fully see the irony of hating hate groups, but I don’t care – I hate Nazis.

Clips of their ‘music’ are available here.

And uhm, apparently these 13-year-olds can’t yet pronounce their ‘R’s.

Which makes them wacists.

I don’t know either, Karl

On October 20, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Okay, the way I see it – Karl Rove has gotten in trouble for leaking information to his pal Bob Novak before. The great thing about a group of people that are as committed to cronyism as the Bush Administration – “The Blame Game for Plame” becomes circular after a while, with hints of ‘others’ involved.

rovenovak

Washington Post Oct. 20, 2005
Rove has also testified that he also heard about Plame from someone else outside the White House, but could not recall who.

It sounds awfully similar to what I said the first time my mother found pot in my room. “It’s not MINE – it’s my friend’s. BUT, not any friend you KNOW about – someone else – whose name I forgot….It’s their weed.”

Come on Karl, I know that the Jeff Gannon plant didn’t work out – but you’d think you’d get a better story together than one I came up with when I was high.

Comedy – yadda yadda

On October 18, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I had a show at a college on Orange County at noon. Comedy at noon. Hitting morning commuter traffic is very weird when you’re a comic.

Anyway, I’m going to put this on my sidebar, but I thought I would announce it here first:

I love comedy. I love stand up. I love it. I love working. I love writing. I love the traveling. It’s the coolest thing I could think to do with my life.

Comedians, for the most part are terrible people. I have had other comics be incredibly evil to me. The less successful the comedian – the bigger the douche bag. If it wasn’t for politicians – comedians would be the scummiest people on earth.

However, I have had truly wonderful comedians, give freely of their time with no thought of personal gain. They have helped me get work and become a better stand up. I have had several mentors since I started.

So I wanted to make myself available for any questions any newbies or newer-than-mes might have about stand up. I enjoy talking shop, so if you caught the bug – you can email me about it. Whatever I can do to help.

Now I must nap. And then start the count down until Fitzgerald announces his findings….

Tuned In and Dropped Out

On October 17, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I have had friends on reality shows. Oh, I knew a guy that was on that gay bachelor show, the one no one watched and I forgot the name of. More people than I’ll admit to knowing have been on Blind Date. For the last couple of years it has seemed like you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a recruiter for a reality show.

The best one I have seen so far is a reality show for out of work television writers. I’M NOT KIDDING. Writers, to star in the genre that retarded the career they could have had. Brilliant.

That was my sign that the reality show craze was imploding in on itself (is there any other kind of imploding?).

Martha and Paris TV flops signal end of reality shows

Television industry insiders in America are quietly acknowledging this weekend that a trend long predicted but never quite proven may at last be coming true: the appetite of the viewing public for reality television shows has finally been sated.

I’m sated? You sated?

Bring on the fiction!

Or the real fiction…

There are some fictions I’m over. The Bush Administration’s Reality Series: From faked town meetings, to scripted conversations with troops, to government sponsored columnists, to planted journalists in the press core. All way more egregious than Laura Bush being on Extreme Make-Over Home Edition. At least that is HONESTLY faked.

I’m also over the teasers to keep us tuned in. I’m tired of the Bird Flu, Monkey Pox, SARS, Anthrax, Mad Cow, Small Pox, Terror Alerts, Cholera, erectile dysfunction and West Nile Virus. I’m not down with the sickness. What ever happened to the hole in the ozone and killer bees? Any follow-ups on that? All of this press and you are STILL more likely to be murdered by your spouse – unless you are gay, then it’s your non-sanctified ‘life-partner’ that is more likely to kill you. Because marriage is protected.

This is why acid isn’t as popular as it used to be. You don’t have to have a bad trip to wonder what reality you’re living in or when you will come back. Just watch television for a day. It’s mind blowing.

Bush’s Popularity 99% in Stepford

On October 14, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

The whole world is a stage when you’re George W.

Bush’s approval ratings might be below 40% among most Americans. Plummeting to 2% among African Americans.

But a new poll found that Bush’s popularity among cyborgs, robots and pod people is steady at 99%.

“Some people call you soulless products of science fiction – but I call you my base.” The president told his most staunch supporters.

“Thank you very much for everything,” they replied. “We like you.”

The poll also revealed that among these sci-fi constituents close to 100% believe:

-Harriet Miers is MORE than qualified to be on the Supreme Court.

-The war in Iraq is well planned and going wonderfully.

-Tom DeLay is the victim of a political witch hunt.

-Karl Rove is the victim of a political witch hunt.

-Bill Frist is the victim of a political witch hunt.

-President Bush is the most intelligent man they have ever met.

The poll also found that among most breeds of dog, cats and other domesticated animals the president’s approval has fallen. On an interesting side note: parrots well known for having a passion for mimicking the phrases repeated to them – are holding fast to their support of this administration.

“Squawk – September 11th!” “SQUAWK – the terrorists!” “Litmus test – SQUAWK!”

Faithfully Yours

On October 12, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

TO THE SECULAR WORLD:

Okay, all you non-Christian, ‘people of no faith’, unchanged, atheists, scientists, Democrats, agnostics and secular humanists. I’ve had enough!

You people don’t hold a monopoly on virtue deficiencies. This is just propaganda. No longer will anyone believe that only the godless can be morally objectionable.

No, times are changing. And as people of faith have gained political power and celebrity status – they have captured the public attention. Soon it will be very clear: religious people are just as human as regular humans.

For too long has the collective unconscious ASSUMED that evil is only obtainable by forsaking religious doctrine. It’s a lie. I know you think to yourself,”This person is devout, they must be good – good at everything – especially judging.” This bias against religious people has to stop!

I know we all hold this secret prejudice, it’s understandable. But let’s examine this for a moment:

Pedophilia: It’s finally known that you don’t have to be an atheist to be a child rapist. Men of God can do that too!

Seemingly random violence: It’s not just for loner, heavy metal fans anymore. You can now praise God (or Allah) when you blow things up.

Political corruption: You think only Quakers can accomplish that? No! Now you can go to a REAL church on Sunday AND break the law on Monday.

All people are equal in the eyes of God! Meaning, if you don’t believe in God – it doesn’t give you special permission to do all the reprehensible things people of faith enjoy.

Note this: We are equals!

God Bless America!

Tina Dupuy