The Abramoff scandal isn’t over because he intends to cooperate fully…
I saw Wolf Blizter interview Howard Dean where he said that Abramoff did not bribe any Democrats. That absolutely no Democrats received money from Abramoff. It’s therefore a Republican corruption scandal.
Of course Abramoff didn’t bribe Democrats. Bribing a Democrat in the past 5 years is a waste of money.
It’s like sleeping with a casting director for public access. Dirty AND pointless.
Nothing says “Happy New Year” more to a political humorist than the phrases “GUILTY PLEA” and “cooperates fully.”
It’s music to my ears. Chocolate to my taste buds. Calamine lotion to my bug bites.
Good stuff.
Jack Abramoff, pictured above in his Humphrey Bogart Halloween costume, the chubby Sam Spade version.
What? Even James Cagney wouldn’t wear that to court!
He plead guilty to three felony counts of tax evasion, mail fraud and conspiracy.
The more I read about this man, the more it seems to me that Mr. Jack —–off is the Forrest Gump of corruption. It seems when something bad is happening with someone bad – there’s a little Abramoff involved.
For example:
Note: Basically, Jack created an enemy and got richer off having an opposition. Which is RIGHT OUT OF THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT play book. As in,”I know we’re the majority in power but they are going to ban the bible, make being a Christian illegal and force us all to love Satan – quick send us money!”
Hollywood has Kevin Bacon – corruption has Jack Abramoff!
Rumor has it:
Move over Karl Rove – there’s a new root of all evil in town!
“Hi Jackie! Mr. Abramoffie…he he.”
I am tempted to do a year in review in installations. Then I thought it’s already taken me a year to review it. The clock is ticking…and about to leap by an entire second.
2005: The Year the Weather Blew and the Government Showed They Suck
In 2005, we saw a breach of the levees that NO ONE anticipated. Being critical of the once omnipotent power in the White House. Social Security indeed!
Aw, the ‘criminalization of politics’.
Michael Brown is now a consultant for disasters. His first piece of advice? DON’T HAVE MICHEAL BROWN IN CHARGE OF A DISASTER!
Intelligent Design, birth control refusals, pro-death penalty, anti-gays-existing, Ten Commandment displays, Justice Sundays, rapture insurance, calls to bomb Mecca and/or San Francisco, bitchy letter writing campaigns – and we thought the liberals could be annoying!
Son of Florida Gov. Bush Arrested
AUSTIN, Texas – The youngest son of Florida Gov.
Jeb Bush was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials said.
Why is this so exciting?
Because BOTH were rumored to be Pat Buchanan.
Have a happy leap second and new year!
My gift to you this season:
In order for this poem to rhyme
I have to make fun of the GOP
They’re on their soapbox more and more
Now they’re boycotting a bunch of stores
“It is the birth of Christ, that you should adore”
Even if He was born in the Spring
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t pay for heating
In order to save a dime
I’m not buying anything!
The price of gas has made me poor
And execs profit more and more
I think its time we evened the score
Can you say,”Correctional facility?”
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
Every year its misery
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I have to see my family
I moved away and I was fine
But I can’t escape heredity
It’s medication that is called for
It’s the fighting and crying I abhor
With a drunken recap of family lore
I deserve your sympathy
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
My relatives are all crazy
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t wait for January…
Happy Holidays from The Sardonic Sideshow!
Hey yawl!
Since this is my 3rd December as a blogger (note that I am a neutral party in the War on Christmas). There are a couple of holiday traditions for The Sardonic Sideshow.
1. Year in Review: I’m working on it – it’s been a hell of a year.
2. New Year Resolutions.
Now the second one is usually something dumb like “Pluck my eyebrows every week.” or “Shower.” Something mocking the idea of making resolutions.
Anyway, I bring this up because there is this site called Futureme.org. It’s a virtual time capsule done by email. Basically, you send your future self an email up to 30 years in the future. You could chose, of course to have the email sent to you the next day or any other time in between.
Scroll through the public ones. It’s a site dedicated to beating yourself up before hand for things you know you won’t do in the future.
This is a weird topic. I find that when I read my journals from when I was a teenager, my present self thinks I was a total idiot. Which makes me think that my future self will think my now present self is a total idiot. Then maybe ‘wisdom’ is building an immunity to caring that you were/are an idiot.
I’ve just drowned in my own deepness.
Check out the site anyway. Cheers.
When total incompetency meets absolute power…
The search for Al Qaeda.
Mission accomplished. After years of dedication we have finally infiltrated the cell.
You’ve found I-keeda?
Very close.
The headquarters of Ikea…I-keeda. Tomato – tomoto – Iraq – Iran – whatever. Heck of a job! You’re getting a medal. Heck of a job!
Under your specific orders, we have uncovered hundreds of ties to Ikea, sir.
We’re making America safer.
We have Ikea’s number three man in custody.
We do not torture.
LOL! You’re a riot Mr. President.
I’m the commander-in-chief.
Evil men with no conscience, Mr. President. Look what our intelligence has uncovered!
We must decipher their plans. Get me a translator!!!
Give this man a nomination!
Richard Pryor died today.
He is in every single comic’s Top 5 of All Time Comedian.
I’m no exception.
He’s going to crack God’s ass up!
Glad you can rest now, Richard.
Thank you for what you gave to the world.
A group calling itself the Swords of Truth Bridgade, have kidnapped 4 Christian peace activists in Iraq.
They have threatened to kill them unless prisoners in U.S. and Iraqi detention centers are released.
This is going to end badly.
The Swords may not realize this – but the people in charge and the powerful Religious Right DON’T LIKE PEACE ACTIVISTS.
I’m sure Bush would gladly hand them Cindy Sheehan if given the chance.
Bill O’Reilly would gladly hand them the entire city of San Francisco.
For those in charge of keeping the prisoners in the US and Iraq, the folks that the Swords are trying to appeal to, they couldn’t have chosen less desirable people to threaten the lives of.
I mean, clearly there was a lack of planning.
For example: if you want to piss off the Religious Right, just mention that Jesus was a pacifist. It makes them nuts. If they don’t try to kick your ass they’ll declare a war on you, just like they’ve done with Christmas.
The only people that would re-act and do something if a peace activist’s life was threatened, are other peace activists. And their whole message is NOT doing something.
Anyway, I think we all know what happens to people that talk about peace.
This sucks.
This is a cross post at Kentucky Democrat on December 3, 2005
Daniel Solzman: Thank you for joining the Kentucky Democrat today. How are things out in sunny California?
Tina Dupuy: Since I wear SPV 40 indoors…it sucks for me. Besides that – just fine. Thanks for asking.
DS: You’re a political comedian. Has the president’s re-election led to more comedy or not enough?
TD: You really don’t hit your stride making fun of an administration until the second term. It’s like wine or Cheetoes or something that needs to be properly aged.
I have no idea what that means.
DS: Is it hard work coming up with material?
TD: No. It’s hard to come up with good material. For every 100 jokes I write, maybe one will end up in my act. And that ratio is a vast improvement to what it was when I started, which I think was more like 1000 to 1.
DS: How do you think a Kerry administration would have done in terms of comedy?
TD: ZZZzzzzz…..whut! huh? Kerry who!?!
Just saying his name has the same effect as Ambien.
DS: Is it true that material for blue states doesn’t play well in red states or vice versa?
TD: People are people where ever you go. I have had liberal audiences turn on me and I’ve had conservative audiences turn on me.
I think funny is funny. I don’t change my act for the color of the state. I can disagree with something politically – but if it’s funny I still laugh. Which is the main reason liberal audiences are hard to play to. They are really quick to be offended if you aren’t a lesbian or a person of color and are obviously taking stage time away from someone that might be.
Where as conservatives that are easily offended NEVER go out to comedy clubs. They are too busy staying home, writing letters and feeling persecuted.
I make fun of absurdity and stupidity which is a bi-partisan downfall. I also am there to entertain people not indoctrinate them with my political opinions. That’s what my blog is for.
DS: Have any good material for the Ernie Fletcher job scandal here in Kentucky?
Fletcher is a Republican, right?
“Republican” is an ancient Greek word meaning, “never to blame.” I don’t know anything about the scandal but I know that the Democrats are trying to destroy a good man’s reputation by making these accusations. And Fletcher may have a sudden urge to “spend more time with his family.”
But I’m just guessing.
DS: You’re a blogger, right? How’s that going?
TD: I’m a blogger? My resume has never seemed so…nerdy.
I have run a blog for two years as of last Aug. In blog years – that’s a long time. However, I’m still not that comfortable with telling people at parties that I do it.
It’s a great exercise as a writer. A guy wrote on his blog that I wrote better than some columnists. You’d think I’d be flattered. Yet, I immediately thought, “Wow. I’m a loser. I should submit my work to newspapers.” So I started doing that. A couple of pieces have gotten published. Which may have not happened if I wasn’t obsessively writing a blog almost everyday for two years.
Now I’m working on a book.
It also lets my family members stay abreast of what’s going on in my life, without me actually having to talk to them. It’s really cool. All I can say it that it has enriched my life in many ways. Geez, that sounded very infomercial of me huh? I’m so broke that only my life is enriched.
I have no idea what that means.
I have to say that I love all the people that read my blog. I really do. I wouldn’t invite any of them over for dinner, but I love them all nonetheless. It’s very encouraging to have people that spend their free time reading your work, whether it’s just to disagree with you or not.
I should qualify that last statement with the fact that I’m not the typical blogger. I think there are really three categories blogs fall under.
1) Political/News
2) Personal online diaries.
3) Hobbies
I kind of fall into the first one. It’s kind of a political blog. Of course I’m not affiliated with any candidates or political parties. I have conservative and liberal fans. I’m a satirist/comedian. I think a lot of political blogs do a lemming disco about issues and just parrot the party line. Not that it’s a bad thing in any way. I read a lot of those blogs, some are very informative. There are TONS of them. That’s just not what I do. I try to think of something funny and/or insightful to say about a news item. The challenge is doing THAT on a daily basis. Some days I wish I could just put up a bunch of links to newspaper articles or whine about the new toothpaste I tried and go back to bed.
DS: Will you ever bring your stage act to a late night show or even a sitcom?
I’m on the phone to my manager right now.
DS: What about Jon Stewart? Thoughts on his show?
Jon Stewart is brilliant. His genius isn’t in his being funny. It’s in his ability to let other people be funny. There are a lot of comics that HATE to see other people get laughs and Jon Stewart isn’t plagued by that. Johnny Carson was like that. Brilliant.
DS: I hate to ask but how many more years of Bush do we have?
I think we are all going to have a collective soap opera moment, where we wake up and Bush Jr. being president and invading Iraq (again) and America turning into a really preachy creepy country with record debt bought out by the Chinese will all be a funny yet kind of scary dream.
Again, I have no idea what that means.
DS: What is a day in the life of a comedian like?
I wake up at the crack of noon. Read the paper. Make fun of our elected officials. Try to organize my office/living room/kitchen/bedroom. Obsesses about my success or lack there of for a bit. Drink coffee. Decide where I am going to that night. Call my friend and obsess about my success or lack there of for a bit. Drink more coffee with them. Try to talk my dog out of her desire to go on a walk. Obsess about my success of lack there of for a bit. Shower. Try to decide what I am going to eat that night. Then repeat it the next day.
Unless I’m on the road, then I do all that in a hotel room.
DS: Speaking of comedy, when you heading out for some shows in Kentucky?
TD: I think I’m booked at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Buffalo in the spring. Does that count?
When I have a confirmation, you’ll be the first to know Daniel.
DS: Thanks again for joining the Kentucky Democrat.
TD: No. Thank you. Thanks for not making me suffer for saying yes to being interviewed. That’s very kind of you.
Your questions were great, dude. I’m impressed. Keep up the good work!
Bush has pledged money to help in the world AIDS crisis.
The U.S. has pledged $15 billion over five years to fight the disease, most of which is channeled through the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief. PEPFAR grants come with conditions, however — two-thirds of the money has to go to pro-abstinence programs.
In a related story: the president has just alloted $10 billion of the reconstruction money for New Orleans to hire people to talk the Gulf out of having anymore hurricanes.
Heck of a job!
Iraqis want freedom. We know that free societies are peaceful societies.
Is that what its like to live in a free society? I had forgotten.
It’s a part of my new strategy in Iraq.
You have a new strategy in Iraq?!?
Yep. Our new strategy is to win the war.
And your old strategy was?
To fight it.
Now you want to win?
Failure is not an option.
So the only option is to win?
Which is our new strategy.
And our only option?
We’re helping Iraqis build a free nation that they will be an ally in the war on terror. Then we can win that war too.
This sounds like a teenage flick where a girl wants a boyfriend so she takes a dork and teaches him how to be cool and then it’s the best prom ever. Like once we get Iraqis to stop killing us then they’ll be our best friends.
Victory in Iraq is vital to US interests.
Interests like having the National Guard – guard the nation?
Right now our multi-headed enemy is being fought on many fronts so our strategy in Iraq has three elements: to win the war, to accomplish our mission and to achieve victory.
You know a strategy is a plan for how to win. ‘To win‘ is a strategy like ‘it’s there‘ is an atlas.
We are pursuing a comprehensive strategy.
Which is like using birth control when you’re pregnant.
Hehe, that’s for gynecologists to practice their love for women.
You know, you’re getting much harder to parody.
That’s my plan!
Touche.
-Get first three chapters of book polished for book proposal.
-Write Comedy Central and tell them that Dennis Leary’s comedy may hurt someone’s feelings.
-Stalk new manager.
-Re-new insurance.
-Wash car.
-Write article for newspaper and check spelling this time.
-Call grandmother.
-Go to post office.
-Write new bit about the death penalty (note: don’t tell it in Texas)
-Walk and feed dog and give needed belly rub.
-Plan December work, send headshots.
-Eat an entire meal sitting down.
-Get phone line fixed.
-Get cell phone fixed.
-Have meeting with director and don’t make fun of his accent.
-Do a set in NoHo.
-Cancel set in Riverside.
-Book Jan. gigs. and send headshots.
-Clean office/living room/bedroom/kitchen.
-Wash hair.
-Update blog.
Have you decided which mega-mart you’re going to boycott this season? It is tricky.
The American Family Association has boycotted Target “This petition will also be sent to other major chains banning the use of “Merry Christmas” including Costco, BJ’s, Wal-Mart, Sears/K-Mart and Kohl’s.” the founder Donald E. Wildmon writes on the AFA website.
If that’s not enough to make your eyes glaze over, a Wal-Mart boycott was called for by the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. Apparently after a complaint about using “holiday” instead of “Christmas” was answered by a letter explaining the many cultures that contributed to Christmas traditions. The group was ‘grossly offended’. Their demands, according to their website: a) rendered an apology b) withdraw its ‘insane statement’ regarding the origins of Christmas and c) revised its website (apparently, when you typed in the word “Christmas” you were sent to the “Holiday” page). Wal-Mart complied and the boycott was called off. Phew!
Now I can get my Christmas ammo and box wine from Wal-Mart and feel good that I’m shopping at such a family friendly place.
It brings us back to the true meaning of this Christmas Season: shopping.
I think this holiday used to be more thinly veiled. But now – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping somewhere else!
This ‘holiday’ vs. ‘Christmas’ thing is a big deal for Religious Right. They seem to be very offended, feel persecuted and forgotten. I can’t imagine why exactly, because they happen to be the most vocal people on the face of the earth…but that is what they claim.
But I do want to understand these grievances. As far as I can gather, Christians, or more specifically Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell and the AFA seek to have their savior’s name associated with season-discounted trinkets and mass-produced red and green chotchskies. Once THAT happens, they will all be happy and we’ll finally have a silent night from them.
I’ve always assumed that “Happy Holidays” was short for “Merry Christmas AND Happy New Year”. There’s a bunch going on in a week – so lets just shorten it. Plus – who ever uses the word ‘merry’ anymore? That was in vogue back when ‘gay’ still meant happy.
But they’re really offended. I’ve never been offended when someone wished me Merry Christmas. I’ve never been offended when someone wished me Happy Holidays or Kwanza or for that matter Hanukkah. I don’t think I’ve ever been offended by someone wishing me anything happy.
Maybe that’s just me. I guess I have been a little insensitive. As a non-Christian, with anti-Santa leanings, I believe I am qualified to say this: ‘people of faith’ you can have your holiday and call it whatever you want to call it. If it means that much to you – you guys win. You won’t find any resistance here. I don’t care. I am not offended by you showing off your glowing Santas and flaunting your jolly elves. I’m not offended by the jingle bells or the decked halls. I’m not offended by your multi-cultural wise men or your tarted up Douglas Furs. I’m not offended by your television specials or egg nog. Go on. Knock yourself out. Have a Christmas. Have a merry one while you’re at it.
This is my only request: I’m not going to put up a fight over whether December 25th is a religious day or not. I’m not going to insist that giant retailers include me in the festivities. I won’t protest, boycott or even whine as long as you celebrators stay out of my Chinese Food restaurants and movie theaters on Christmas Day. I’m serious. It’s not fair to have to suffer through two months of holiday cheer and to then have to wait in line at a movie theater on Christmas day too. That used to be OUR DAY. All us other-than-Christians. You might not have gotten the memo – but we all meet in China Town for a huge feast and then stroll over to the local Cineplex and spend the day. It was our holiday tradition. And now it’s become YOUR Christmas tradition!
So, not cool. You people stay home and let us have our day. It’ll be our Christmas truce. You celebrate your savior’s birthday and I’ll celebrate that I’m in a restaurant full of godless heathens, Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, and Hindus on our sacred day of Moo Shoo.
Bill O’Reilly is calling for all his viewers to send him a list of internet sites that are ‘anti-military’. But lets face it – he really is calling for all that is anti-O’Reilly.
I’m going to be totally candid with you dear readers. If Bill was a lefty – I would still think he was a douche bag. It’s not the message – its the vacuous YELLING.
So I sent him this email about his list. I post it here for your entertainment.
Dear Bill O’Reilly,
Ooooh ooooh!!!!! I want to be on your pseudo-McCarthy anti-military internet smearers’ list!
Are you sure you meant ’smear’ and not ’schmear’? Ya did confuse a loofah with a falafel once (that I know about).
Honestly, I don’t know what you have to be so angry about. First of all – you’re a wealthy white man. Second, your political party, while a little battered still holds the majority in the majority of the branches of government. Really, you’re acting as if you live in the Netherlands or Canada or some place that doesn’t give tax breaks and privilege to people matching your description.
Seriously, you’re going to bust a capillary.
Bill you know who you should get into? Oprah (not opera – don’t mix those two up too!). She’s been raped, mistreated and abused. Never mind the fact that she’s a black woman from the South no less. Hello – hardship trifecta! And look at her. She’s happy. She doesn’t wish terrorist attacks on cities that disagree with her. That is why Tom Cruise has never jumped on your couch, Bill.
Back to your internet hit list. I’m just trying to higher my Technorati rating. Which is a type of blogger bragging rights. I’m asking nicely here.
I could easily trade cheap insults if you’d like. You could insult my French last name and then I could insult your Irish one, just as an example. Frog – drunk – and back and forth like that. I’ve seen your show – I know how it works.
Anyway, please put me on the list. Thanks for your time.
Tina Dupuy
