Tina Dupuy

A report out this week says that the Atkins low carb diet can put you in a bad mood.
Hmm…being thin and bitchy – there’s news.

This week president Bush announced that wants to crack down on prescription drug abuse. Conservative Republicans are outraged…or maybe just Rush Limbaugh.

In Crawford Texas, residents are boycotting Girl Scout cookies because of the ‘cozy’ relationship Girl Scouts have with birth control advocate Planned Parenthood. The woman spearheading the boycott told reporters,”We want our girls to get pregnant – the way God intended – with out the use of thin mints.”

NBC’s Katie Couric is to interview serial plagiarizer former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair. Blair is on a media book tour promoting his new book titled,”The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.”

“Drunken Polish Nun Crashes her Tractor” Real headline from Reuters. Drunken Polish nun on a tractor. The jokes already there. Drunken Polish Nun on a tractor.

This week the New York Times reported that the Manhattan Zoo has two gay penguins. After closer inspection, it was discovered they were just cater waiters.

William Hung – American Idol loser phenom has been offered a 25 thousand dollar recording contract along with a special appearance on a new Fox special. Causing everyone that can actually carry a note – to hate him. My waitress put it best,”Huh!! I went to fucking Julliard!!!”

Polaroid announced that you should, in fact, NOT shake it – shake it – shake it like a Polaroid picture, because it will damage the film. Also this week Slim Fast declared their milk shake brings all the boys to the yard.

This week John Kerry denied the rumor that he had an affair with an intern. His wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, heir to the Heinz food dynasty failed to comment. But Senator Kerry told reporters, “I would never cheat on my wife. When it comes to women – I stick with the ‘thick rich one’.”

USA Today, reported that in the first half of 2004 more than 25 books were published that are critical of the Bush Administration. In a press conference today the president declared that Random House, Harper-Collins and Amazon.com were the new axis of evil. Adding that they have “a massive propensity to desire to engage in to make weapons of mass ‘instruction’ related activities.”

Is it possible to have a happy new year with out reviewing the last one first? I don’t think so.

2003 was the 500th birthday of alleged prophet Nostradamus. Leave it to a French man to spend half a millennia saying,”I told you so,” every time a war breaks out.

It was also the 40th anniversary of the shooting of JFK. Some conspiracy theorists claim that a big oil man from Texas who stole an election to rise to power was responsible for the murder (i.e. Lyndon Johnson). I say it’s apropos for the Democrats to assassinate their own (i.e. the 2004 Democratic nomination race). So the theorists might be onto something.

Mr. Rogers died and the grave of Dr. Suess was trampled and spit upon by Mike Myers.

Strom Thurmond’s illegitimate half black daughter came out at a press conference, making all of us that love public figure hypocrisy – very happy!

SARS, Monkey Pox, the flu and Mad Cow claimed more headlines than ever before. Bringing home the motto: If it sneezed – it leads.

As for me personally; 2003 was the year I started my web log. So far I have a solid fan base of 3 people (well, one if you don’t count those related to me). And I look forward to doubling that number in the new year.

Happy New Year!!!

These are my jokes for this week….

Twice divorced presidential candidate Kucinich has a website set up to find him a new wife. He has received over 80 essays of women that want to date him! That is TWICE the amount of people that said they would vote for him.

The Secret Service is looking at some stolen Eminem lyrics, that talks about a dead president. But dont worry music fans, if he’s really a conspirator against the US, no matter how many videos he releases – we’ll never be able to find him.

Other stuff…

I was recently invited to be a contributing editor for Watchblog.com. The site has three columns: one for the Republicans, one for the Independents and one for the Democrats. Im a part of an experiment to have a satirist/comedian contributor. Ive already got my first piece of hate mail. The thing that really makes me mad is that the hate mail is funnier than anything Ive written. All Ive ever wanted was hate mail. It means someone is paying attention – and you inspire emotion.

Speaking of hate: I cant watch the Democratic debates anymore. Im swearing off. Im a debate junkie and Im going cold turkey. I just cant do it anymore. It’s like watching NASCAR, youre hoping for blood, but more than likely it will just go around and around until youre dizzy and nauseated.

The only cool thing that happened last night is when Dean said,”If you guys are upset that Al Gore is endorsing me, attack me, don’t attack Al Gore.” It was the moment when I realized that this guy is an actual leader. It at least curbed the whining for a couple of sound bites. Round and round they go…

I saw the ‘musical’ Rent last night. This was the first time Ive seen it, mainly because Ive been too busy BEING a starving artist to afford to see a play about it. The first thing apparent is that this is my generations version of Hair. Of course, in Hair everyone is making love and dying in a foreign country. Rent, everyone is shooting smack and dying of AIDS in this country. Such a celebration. I lived Alphabet City in the summer of ‘95 where Rent takes place. It was just like the play – the music was terrible and screaming passed for singing.