Tina Dupuy

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox claims George W. Bush is afraid of horses. Bush’s Crawford, Texas, ranch is reportedly “equestrian-free.” It’s a little shocking. It’s kind of funny. But more than that it adds to my theory that Bush has contempt for anything smart and hardworking (see Valerie Plame and U.S. Armed Forces).

Really? He pretends to be a cowboy, and he doesn’t like horses? I am deathly afraid of monkeys. I am. They’re gross. But you don’t see me dressing up like Tarzan as part of my public persona.

But maybe that’s how you get to be the Decider. Like WWF wrestling, you have to choose a character for theatrics. “Sunday Night – the Decider meets his arch nemesis – The Inquisitor! In a smack down of biblical proportions!”

So in the contest to be the next Decider – the tights are pulled on, and we’re ready to rumble! The latest contender is Fred Dalton Thompson. His character? Multi-millionaire former lobbyist, Hollywood actor? Naw, he’s an unassuming Southern bumpkin lawyer. It’s Ben Matlock – played by Fred Thompson!

Now it’s going to get interesting! And when has hype ever been wrong?

Thompson played a committed, competent yet tough public servant on television‘s Law and Order. He can do this. He can read the script and be convincing. That’s all we need in the ring.

When Thompson announced his candidacy on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, it was like time stood still. Really. I think time actually stood still.

“It was about as riveting as a steel worker on strike,” as Matlock might say as he was driving a pick-up truck on his way to fetch some fried chicken and biscuits.

Ahem. Thompson’s real political record is as follows: He won a special election seat for the Senate in Tennessee in 1994 and was then reelected in 1996. He was the alleged ’down to earth’ candidate that drove a now infamous red pick up truck along the campaign trail.

The Washington Post reported that his red pick-up truck was leased.

He didn’t BUY it – but the voters did!

When Thompson doesn’t know something on the campaign trail, he uses, “I can’t pass judgment.” “They were good people.” “We can’t take anything off the table.” And then there are times when he just flat out states that he doesn’t know. Questions on anything specific are all curve balls to him. He said he couldn’t recall the details about the Terri Schiavo because it was ’going back in history.’
I thought only tweens considered 2005 ’back in history.’

While in Clarksville, Tennessee, The Jackson Sun quoted Thompson saying the US is “on a good course” in Iraq.

On a good course? Maybe that’s ‘going back in history’. Like to 1991.

But it‘s been working. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So we don’t have to know either. And that has made him tied for second place with McCain in some polls. I think that’s the definition of ‘failing up.’

Fred Thompson is a skillful producer of white noise. It’s soothing once you get used to it. And it frightens me to think that’s enough of a qualification to be the next president of the United States.

Because with his All American story of coming from nothing and becoming a television star – he just plum picked himself up by his bootstraps and accidentally stumbled on power, money and fame – he’s like a Norman Rockwell painting.

If there was a Norman Rockwell painting of a simple farmer and his trophy wife.

There’s just something about that twang. “I’m just a simple Southern Lawyer.” It makes people want to trust him. Colonel Sanders won’t do nothing that’s bad for you. Foghorn Leghorn don’t mean no harm. Matlock has got it all figured out. Aw, shucks, that’s why you should vote for him.

Like politics, professional wrestling is fake. But like we have seen with Benoit, the wrestler who killed his family and then himself – real people can actually get hurt.

With a botched trillion dollar vanity project known as the Iraq War being dropped in the lap of whomever is the next president, it’s time to end the make-believe. We’re in real trouble.

It’s pretty safe to say that gay marriage is getting more presidential candidate support now than in any other time in our nation’s history. There’s former Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel, Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich…okay, there’s two. You can’t accuse Kucinich of just playing to his vegan base to get the nomination. This time, he’s branching out.

I’ll be the first to admit that marriage isn’t for everyone, whether they’re gay or straight. And I’m not alone in that feeling. According to recent data released from the Census Bureau, there are now more unmarried households than married in the US.

Just last week, in the feverish debate over same-sex nuptials, the San Diego city council passed a measure in support of gay marriage. The mayor had promised to veto. Then in a stunning development announced that he would support the decision. No matter what city this has happened in – it gets dander flying and San Diego has proved to be no different.

However, despite all the overturning and the protesting with the hope of ‘saving’ marriage, the institution itself has quietly slipped away. The majority of Americans are now not getting hitched.

So people who WANT to get married – can’t and people who CAN get married – won’t. It’s like how rich people who have everything are thin and poor people who have nothing are fat. Or how the Axis of Evil has more countries than the Coalition of the Willing – its just one of those weird things in modern American life.

So why aren’t people getting married these days? I think it boils down to one simple reason: cost.

According to a survey done by the Fairchild Bridal Group, the average American wedding costs $30,000. On the other hand, according to the US Census Bureau the median American household income is only $44,389.

And if anyone thinks, ”Well, it doesn’t HAVE to cost that much.” – you might as well be talking about the surface of Mars, because you haven’t been there! I wasn’t into conspiracy theories until I was a bride. Then I experienced one firsthand. As soon as you mention you are getting married – blood is in the water and the sharks come to feed.

The hook propagated by those who work in the bridal industry (note that they don’t call it ‘the groom industry’) is that if your mate isn’t able to take out a second mortgage for the cake, then maybe you’re not marrying the right person. “If your fiancé can’t afford a decent wedding, what’s the marriage going to be like?”

What will it be like? Wracked with debt. Overextended on APR. Monthly installed financial serfdom. Foreclosure! Isn’t it romantic?

When I said that I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on something, whether it was my dress – the invites – or the minister – I was treated like I just walked onto a dealership and said that I want to buy a car with no tires. “You can’t just cheap out on the MOST IMPORTANT part,” they would chime.

For the record: I married for looks because I deeply believe marrying for money is shallow.

It’s the wedding industrial complex that has made marriage into the Spruce Goose. The bird is just too heavy to fly for most Americans.

The idea of spending 30K with no chance of a return investment and no low-end sailboat to show for it – is deterring. Instead of the idea that being married is a way to improve one’s income and lifestyle (there is data to that effect), now it’s the idea that you need to have money in order to deserve to get married.

If the American Dream is to come from nothing and make something of yourself, then the American Fantasy is that some undeserved windfall will make you rich. No one wants an entire industry to look at them as poor or cheap. The pressure is intense. People are putting off marriage until that ‘some day’ comes and they can afford a wedding.

A law recognizing same-sex spouses won’t destroy marriage. But grandiosity will.

I look forward to Christmas like I look forward to running into my ex now that I have put on 10 pounds (from not smoking). Not the worst thing the in world (what with Darfur and all). But enough to dread.

I want to speak up for those of us that don’t like this holiday season. In the war on Christmas, I am Switzerland, or Turkmenistan, or up until a week ago – Japan. Go on and fight, I’m neutral. I’m a December 25th pacifist. I’m not getting into it, because unlike real wars, there are only winners in the War on Christmas.

How is that possible? It’s just as possible as a ‘strategy’ for winning in Iraq is to succeed. No matter what battles are fought on the Winter Holiday front – all parties come out the victor. Religious leaders draw their flocks closer. Retailers rejoice in the season of giving. The economy is happy, the ecumenical are happy – it’s peace on earth (except for the War on Terror) and good will towards all men (unless they’re Muslim and/or in front of us in line not going FAST enough).

I’m what the pro-Christmas people call ‘a scrooge’. A name I equate to calling a person a slut because they won’t sleep with you. Yes, I’ve been battered and vilified. Apparently, people treat you with suspicion when you don’t want to play their reindeer games. These name callers are clearly stressed out, over spending, over extending and spreading Yuletide ‘cheer’ at the top of their lungs in traffic. “How can you not like Christmas?!?” They’ll exclaim with their seasonal twitch.

Well, first off – I’m not religious. The one thing that I can say about secularists is that we don’t get drunk and start raving about the Jews conspiring against us. We get drunk and start raving about the booze conspiring against us (well, maybe that’s just me). Actually, when you’re not religious, there is no one you’re obligated to hate (unless you’ve met Oregonians – and then THEM). Not being required to hate a group of people, opens you up to hate people on an individual basis. It’s very democratic (the idea, not the party).

Anyway, back to Christmas: The Congress of the United States was in session on December 25, 1889. Call me nostalgic, but this was back when Congress actually did things (the 109th ‘ending’ is like K Fed deciding to retire). “You’ve done not much…and now you’re going to do EVEN LESS!” My point is that Christmas was not always a month (5 weeks really) long parade hysteria and pine needles. So don’t call me a Grinch. Call me old school. Call me a throw back to a time when December was dark and cold and no one would try to convince you that this was the happiest time of the year or that a Chia Pet could possibly be a good idea for a gift.

So, being a holiday noncombatant I will end with this: The ‘true meaning of Christmas’ has been restored because Wal-Mart no longer uses ‘Happy Holidays’ as a greeting. We have self-proclaimed ‘cultural warrior’ Bill O’Reilly to thank for that. He calls that a victory and the only one to get her title threatened was Miss USA…sad isn’t it?

So, on this holy day of sacrilege and sacred spending – I say bah-humbug and pass the Dim Sum!