Tina Dupuy

I live in a precinct where there are less than 250 registered voters. I know you’re thinking, “She must live on the outskirts of Killdeer, North Dakota.” Nope, I live right in the middle of the second largest city in the country. I live in Los Angeles.

I don’t care that I live among the politically apathetic and the recently immigrated. I’ve already voted. Like 1/5 of the country I voted early. I’m also in the 18-29 year old demographic, (all the numbers aren’t in yet) but a tiny fraction of us vote. I don’t care that I’m in the age range of the politically apathetic and recently graduated. I’ve already voted.

I’m a voting snob. The first time I voted was on my 18th birthday and I’ve cast my ballot in every election since. Even the little local ones that no one cares about. I have a collection of ‘I voted’ stickers. I’ve been known to say things like,”Well, if you didn’t vote you don’t have the right to complain.” I feel cool when I read about what my congressman is doing in the House and I say to myself, “I didn’t vote for him and that’s why.” In short, I’m the trekkie of voters. I know I’m a dork and I take pride in it.

Now P Diddy, Drew Barrymore and Emenim of all people are getting young people to vote?!? It feels like that moment when I realized ‘alternative’ music was fully main stream and it was time to move on. If all these posers are going to be voting, what’s going to happen to me? Who am I going to talk down to? Will I be reduced to trolling the high schools with my ‘I voted’ sticker in hopes of someone being jealous of my exercising my constitutional right? I don’t want voting to be cool! People, it’s all I got! So this Tues. Nov. 2nd. Please for me – if you’re under 30 – stay home!

This election has polarized my inbox. I receive emails to alert me that Bush is evil. I also receive emails to alert me that Kerry is a flip-flopper. Bush is a moron, Kerry is a Yale snob. Bush is a deserter, Kerry lied about his war record. Back and forth and back and forth.

My Republican grandparents currently live in Texas. Being a Texan makes you automatically love Bush, because Texans love everything Texan. And if you’re not a Texan, well no one is perfect. In short, these two REALLY love Dubya. My grandparents’ conservative leanings have been the ‘elephant in the living room’ among the family. It’s the double entendre no one wants to talk about. Well, we try not to.

My grandmother sent me some more anti-Kerry propaganda yesterday. When I checked my email, I witnessed all the national mud slinging taking place in my own spam strewn inbox. It was all too much. Before I thought it through I hit “reply”.

Dear Grama, I would vote for a liberal hamster before I voted for Bush, Lots of love, Tina

And she replied:

Dear Tina, That is what I call close-minded. Love, your grandmother.

It happened! Right in the middle of my family. I said something definitively left leaning and the right retorted with a curt sound bite intended to make my pre-existing liberal guilt get the better of me. I felt like the sacrificial Democrat on Fox News. Squirm – you latte drinker – squirm!

“I’m not close-minded – not believing in evolution or a president ever making a mistake is close-minded.” Is what I wanted to say.

What I actually said was,” Dear Grama, I’m sorry for my last email. I don’t know what I was thinking. I hadn’t had my latte yet. Forgive me. Lots of love, Tina.”

President Bush said yesterday that he wants to destroy the old Abu Ghraib prison and construct a new prison for the Iraq people. This is a solution straight out of a Stephen King novel. It’s not Rumsfield’s and the other brass’ orders to torture prisoners – it’s the prison’s fault! The prison is possessed by the devil and built on an Indian burial ground and haunted by a band of serial killers. We must tear down the prison, so we wont have a series of sequels and pre-quels that end up being direct-to-video flops!!!

When are we going to build this new prison? Can the good people at Halliburton build it and then just lock themselves up when they are finished?

The pictures of the Iraqi prisoner abuse have outraged many. Mostly near where I live, the Porn Capital of the World, The San Fernando Valley. The Porn Industry is mad because it’s outsourcing. Jobs going overseas, you know.

I read this article today about how a group of Christians want to secede from the United States to form there own sovereign nation. An all Christian state? I thought we already had those, they’re called Utah and Texas and Alabama and Mississippi and Idaho, most parishes of Louisiana…West Virginia.

The Jewish People were being threatened with extinction. They were being killed en masse – so they made their own nation for protection. American Christians are being threatened by people not agreeing with them. So they want their own state to protect themselves against anyone calling them homophobic bigots. (Haha…they best stay off the web too.)

When the United States Constitution (separation of Church and State) starts sounding way too liberal, you might want to turn off Fox’s No Spin Zone and read a book. But not Stephen King, his ideas assist in nation building, that of which I cannot agree with.

“Marriage should be defined by the people – not by the courts.” George W. Bush

Finally, mob rule is being consider more important than the minor opinion of the leaned. I love it. I don’t think gays should be able to get married – and what I think now matters.

I have some ideas about other people that shouldn’t be able to get married:

Serial killers: Nope! You kill more than two human beings and you shouldn’t be able to get hitched. No one should enjoy the sanctity of marriage after you’ve had human remains in your freezer.

Smokers: You smoke and get married, then you’ll damage the health of your spouse. This should be illegal. Legislation for this will get hopefully get passed in California and then the rest of the country will have to follow suit.

Non-English speakers: If you can’t recite you’re vows in the same language as the bible – you can’t get married. There – it’s been said.

Women that have more than 3 cats in their home should not be able to get married…Oh wait, that’s a non-issue, isn’t it?

Gays in Hollywood have been getting married for years and now they want to marry other gays!?! Gays should not be able to marry ANYBODY – Tom Cruise I’m talking to you, Buddy.

In this time of a 50% divorce rate, we need to defend marriage. Marriage should be between a non-smoking, straight, English speaking, two-cats-or-less-owning, non-serial killer man and woman. There it’s been said.

I know I have a couple of political junkies that read my blog. If you live in the LA area, you have to check out Big News. It’s the best news based sketch comedy show I’ve ever seen. Brilliant.

I have to say something about Howard Dean. What happened? Some people say it was the scream. Some people say it was bad press. Some people say it was the ‘electability factor’. Some people think it was the Al Gore endorsement. I blame it on Bill Bradley. I blame it on him because it is a theory that hasn’t yet to be explored. The way I figure it, the press likes to throw out that the tallest candidates win. Maybe it’s the endorsement by the tallest ex-candidate that becomes the proverbial kiss of death. Just a thought.

Here’s another: Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern. He went through an impeachment trial because of it. Bush lies about WMD, rushes us into a war – killing God knows how many people – pissing off God knows how many of our allies – then gets to chose his own ‘intelligence’ panel ala the Warren commission?!? Independent commission means independent of the Bush administration.

Speaking of boobs…Janet Jackson’s is getting more coverage than any other mammary gland in history. People were outraged. “Children were watching! Children, young children – saw breasts!” Yes, children. Young children that a couple of months prior were feeding on breasts. Seeing a breast to a young child has the same effect as a beer commercial to an adult. They suddenly feel thirsty.

There’s something wrong with America when we’re afraid of sex but love war.

Saddam is caught. The world is saved from terror. Yippee. If you really love someone – buy them a Lexus this Xmas.

Now it’s time for WHAM! Winning the Hearts And Minds of Iraqis. I like how we sell foreign countries what we call ‘propaganda’ but our news is fair and balanced. (come on Fox – SUE ME)

Mr. Bush – you can win my mind by answering some questions:

Why did we invade Iraq? Because they have WMD? Okay, why not North Korea? Because they have WMD. What was the Cold War all about? WMD. WE DONT INVADE COUNTRIES THAT ARE ARMED!!! We have stand offs that last decades!!! The US invades countries that have NO CHOICE but to engage in gorilla warfare.

No, really – why did we preemptively invade Iraq? Because theyre terrorists? Terrorism is the new communism. Im waiting for the black list. No, really I am. I’ll name names. I think Ben Affleck is a terrorist. What senator can I talk to about him no longer working?

So how long are we going to occupy (I dont care what word you use – its an occupation) Iraq? Now, Saddam was no Nazi (Nazis actually HAD WMD and were willing to use them), but after Hitler died, the war was over. The Allies had to occupy Germany for HOW MANY YEARS!?! We’re STILL there! I heard that we’ll pull out by June. What June of 2053?!?

Bush you ‘WHAM’ed yourself. You had every opportunity possible to be a GREAT president. But because of your personal GREED you sold the country to the highest bidder. KBR – aka Halliburton!

The summer before my senior year of high school I got an internship at Congressman George Miller’s office (Democrat in Northern California). It was the summer of 1992. It was back in the days when you could say you were an intern and no one would snicker. BTW thanks Monica, happy 30th birthday – you vacuous shill!

Anyway, it was the Year of the Woman and an exhilarating time to be a female and/or a Democrat. One of my duties as an intern was attending events. The Democratic Central Committee had an event that reminded me of a high school pep rally. They had Barbara Boxer boxer shorts for sale. They made a batch of Republican and Democratic cookies to taste. (note: Hillary’s cookie recipe tasted like pretzels with carob chips – but the Republican cookies were fantastic!) The presidential candidate was young, inspiring and well – YOUNG. George Bush senior was getting crabbier by the second and it looked like The Greatest Generation’s time had passed.

Cut to: twelve years later: What happened to the Democrats? You have one impeachment trial and everyone gets all too apologetic. See, Dr. Laura preaches abstinence and ‘clean living’ and has very explicit nude photographs of herself all over the web. Rush Limbaugh had condemned drug addicts for years and well…we hope the people in rehab were nice to him. What I’m trying to say is that when you’re a liberal – at least when you find yourself in a scandal – you’re not a hypocrite – you’re just a liberal. So stop apologizing!!! It’s just like when Republican’s get caught in white collar crimes – they’re Republicans – what do you expect?

But now the left is angry. Al Franken is angry. Michael Moore is angry. The presidential candidates are too busy being political to be angry. Well, Howard Dean is angry. COOL. It’s about time a Democrat got angry. It’s about time Americans got angry. There’s a lot to be angry about.

First off: questioning one’s patriotism when one questions the president and his policies has really gotten me ANGRY. Isn’t the basis of democracy opposing views and majority rules? What happened to the nation if we can’t say that George Bush is a screw up (or if you Kerry you would call him a ‘fuck up’)without our leanings being challenged? What is this – the 1950’s with cyber porn? COME ON.

I think there should be a rule that the only people that CAN’T criticize Bush are people that own stock in Halliburton. Everyone else should be able to get a shot in. It should be a part of our patriotic duty.

While we’re at it – now that I think of it all of us non-Halliburton stock holders shouldn’t have to obey the speed limit on freeways. We should be able to litter in places like Beverly Hills and receive a thank you note for it. ONE POSTAL CLERK PER EVERY TWO NON-HALLIBURTON STOCK HOLDERS!!! A free toaster perhaps? Or we should all get a paid vacation until we elect Howard Dean.

You know he’s going to be elected – unless Bush changes the constitution to let the Supreme Court elect him AGAIN.

In case you’re curious, I emailed Karl Frisch the Multimedia Communications Director the Dean Campaign and Dean doesn’t own any Halliburton stock. There’s another reason to be angry. At least Dean doesn’t seem so much like a politician. He seems more like a union agitator from the days of the Wobblies. You know, the first unskilled labor union in the country? No one gets that reference. Come to think of it – why do I know that? Anyway, trust me – he’s like those turn-of-the-last-century agitators – because he’s angry and he says things that NEED to be said. Now if I can just convince him to wear some knickers to a speak easy and do the Charleston until dawn.

The House of Representatives passed an anti-spam bill 392-5. The argument is that spam is annoying.

Praise God – the government FINALLY cares about us being ANNOYED. I’m writing my congress person as we speak to keep me from being annoyed further BY CONGRESS!!!

Requests…things I find annoying:

Dont criminalize sending mass emails about enlarging my penis – CRIMINALIZE CORPORATE CRIME! Throw those fuckers in jail. What they have to PAY A FINE? The irony ANNOYS me.

Pass a law that ROAD WORK cant happen during rush hour – it’s annoying.

De-criminalize drugs – so I dont have to hear about their life sentences on NPR – it’s annoying.

Make my dog stop shedding ALL WINTER long – it’s annoying.

Stop the semi-retarded from having conversations on their cell phones at grocery stores – it’s annoying.

How about not letting the defense or the press put Kobe Bryant’s accuser’s picture on the COVER OF THE TABLOIDS – It’s so annoying – Ive lost sleep over it.

I want every gun owner to take an IQ test – if they dont hit triple digits – they should only be able to buy a Super Soaker. You shouldn’t even be able to mutter,”constitutional rights” unless you can actually READ the constitution. That’s more than annoying – it’s frightening.

Spam is advertising, and like my rant about the ‘Do-Not-Call’ List – it obviously works. People find a porno advertisement and hit the link. I dont like advertising. I dont like billboards. I dont like advertisements on the floors of grocery stores. I really RESENT that I have to endure 20 minutes (or more) of commercials for every hour of TV. It’s the same thing. It’s UNSOLICITED. But really, when do we SOLICIT advertising? Isn’t that the ENTIRE POINT of advertising? To get you to buy things you didnt really think you wanted, but now are convinced you need?

Let’s talk about things that are unsolicited. How about unsolicited HELP for the House of Representatives? I have spam blocker software! I DON’T NEED THE GOVERNMENT TO STOP SPAM! If the program fails I can click delete!!! Thanks, but no thanks. Stick to bombing foreigners, giving aide to Halliburton and mucking airport security! That’s what I pay you for!

I’m sure Americans (those that actually have internet access) will sleep better know that spammers are behind bars. And we can all have a sigh of relief that the HOR cares if we’re annoyed. Let’s put Canadian secession on the ballot while were at it.

Bush is getting protested in Britain. How do you get your ALLIES to build an effigy of you and topple it? That must be pure talent.

To me it’s like when my mother would bring home a boyfriend my brother and I didnt like. He would come over to the house and we’d dress up like Guantanamo Bay detainees and hold up signs calling him a terrorist. It really got our message across. Just wait, after Bush storms out of the country Blair will say,”You never like anyone I bring over! You WANT ME TO BE ALONE, DONT YOU!?!”

Bush is launching TV ads because his ratings are lower. “Some are now attacking the president for attacking the terrorists.” It says.

Translation: “If you dont like President Bush – you enjoy terrorism.” It’s like those IQ tests on logic: Bush hates terrorists. People hate Bush. Therefore all people that hate Bush must be terrorists. True? False?

Let’s try some more:

Americans enjoy smoke screens. Bush utilizes smoke screens most of the time. Therefore all Americans enjoy Bush as president.

Corporate corruption is in Texas. Bush is from Texas. Most corporate corruption can be linked to Bush.

Approval ratings go up when our country is attacked. Attacks on our country inspire fear. Therefore Bush likes FEAR.

Americans have the right to criticize their leaders. Bush calls his critics un-American. Therefore all Americans that exercise their rights are un-American.

Now that I think of it: Where are the anti-war protesters in this country? The war isnt over. The BRITISH know that. The government declared the war over and the dissenters AGREED!!! The number of US deaths in Iraq has surpassed the number of American soldiers killed during the first two years of the Vietnam War. We’ve had more soldiers killed since Baghdad fell than prior! Im not going to mention the number of Iraqi deaths because I cant find that statistic anywhere.

What happened to the voice of dissention? Did they all go back to smoking weed, watching South Park and downloading the latest celebrity porno? The peace sign has been bought out by Verizon and they all give up and smugly surmise that they are like Thoreau with TiVo?

American dissention has stopped. The British protests are entertaining. Therefore the American anti-war movement is being out shown by FOREIGNERS!

I got a SPAM email today announcing that I can put my name on the national ‘Do Not Call List’. Let me say this again: I got an unsolicited EMAIL about stopping UNSOLICITED phone calls. Im looking forward to the PHONE CALL about signing something to encourage the government to stop spam.

The thing that really bugs me is the totally pointless nature of this issue. The ‘do not call list’ is one of those bipartisan political platforms that EVERYONE has to agree on. It’s like standing on the position that pedophiles should be put in prison. Everyone can agree upon it (unless youre an archbishop – then that’s not cool apparently).

But MORE it’s like the products on late night infomercials where they claim their product can do AMAZING things then you read the small print at the bottom of the screen and all the testimonials are by actors and ‘results not typical – yours may vary’. Because really, the only people that call me are companies that I have purchased from in the last 18 months, politicians and non-profit organizations. The cases exempt for the ‘do not call’ list ARE companies youve purchased from within the last 18 months, politicians and not for profit organizations.

What does this list do? NOTHING. It’s like the airport security taking away a knife youre trying to get on the plane only for a flight attendant to give you a KNIFE with your first class meal(Uh yeah, if you think Im kidding, click here)!! NOTHING.

So what are you going to do about an unsolicited phone call that DOESNT fall into those three categories? Report them to the authorities? NO. Youre either going to buy whatever they have to sell (which is why they call – because SOMEONE somewhere buys freshly minted coins with certified authenticity) or HANG UP ON THEM like everyone else.

As far as everyone whining about being interupted during dinner – USE YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE – THAT IS WHY YOU BOUGHT IT! You already spent money to screen callers – use it.

I rather my tax dollars be stolen and used for CRACK than this FLUFF. I said it. I’d be happier knowing that some POTHOLE in Iraq was being filled in with platinum just for kicks than man hours spent on the ‘do not call’ list.

Signing up for this list is as stupid as signing a petition to let Canada secede from the Union and just as effective.

It’s Sat night. LA’s version of the ‘bridge and tunnel’ crowd infects my neighborhood every weekend. Folks with area codes like 562, 818 or 909 flock to my corner of the world to sit in traffic and see whose stereo can bump the hardest. They sit in their Explorers on Hollywood Blvd, playing that Madonna song “Hollywood” – thinking “Oh the irony!” It makes me want to go to their homes in places like Pacoima or Whittier and pee on their sidewalks and have 100 of my friends cruise in a circle around their houses.

I am voting in Oct. I always vote. I vote because I like to complain. Because people that complain and dont vote irk me. “My one vote doesnt matter.” Well my meager 30% in taxes doesnt matter either – but it means Im contrubuting. The alternative is being a whiny parasite. Also when I vote that means that I am not a felon or under 18 and there arent enough times in life where you can celebrate that with a 15-minute errand.