I went to the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda this weekend because…well, I’m a geek and that’s what geeks and old people do in their spare time – they hang out at libraries on the weekends.
The picture above was in the Vietnam exhibit. There was a television playing Nixon’s ’silent majority’ speech. That image was reflected on the glass over a picture of mass graves.
No further commentary needed.
This article ran in the LA Times.
Americans get really weird when we talk about obesity. We treat fat people like anorexic teenage girls. We don’t want to freak them out or hurt their feelings. It might turn them into cutters.
We dance around the reasons for obesity as if it’s a mystery, a phenomenon that modern science may someday unravel. It could be hormonal or glandular or genetic or — even worse — contagious! Every week, half-baked studies are published and reported on, and (like everything else) we eat them up. Bacteria in your stomach may cause a craving for chocolate, according to a study last month by Nestle Research Center in Switzerland. Um . . . it’s never OK to be your own spoof.
We think about obesity the way Cro-Magnons thought about pregnancy. It’s a fact of life, but random and unexplainable. If you can’t drink a couple of 2-liter bottles of cola a day and remain a size 2, it must mean that you have a slow metabolism or something. Just can’t figure it out.
According to oft-cited research published in the journal Obesity, the annual cost to the state of medical care attributable to obesity is estimated to be almost $7.7 billion. If every man, woman and child in California put $200 into a fund on a yearly basis, that wouldn’t be enough to cover that tab. And that’s just what the state spends.
So with these facts in mind, Democratic leaders in the Legislature, in the latest bid to get uninsured Californians covered, this week proposed to tax (drum roll) . . . tobacco!
The California Department of Health reported that as of May 2007, only 13.3% of adults smoked. So the financial burden for the 6.7 million uninsured rests on the shoulders of an estimated 4.7 million nicotine enthusiasts.
What’s worse, the proposed $2-a-pack tax — besides being punitive — is an attempt at prevention. In other words, the more effective the tax is as a disincentive to smoking, the less money it would generate. Opponents of the idea have been quick to point this out.
I have a better proposal: a snack tax. We had one for about 18 months in the early 1990s. Granted, it was shot down in the polls by a huge margin, but that never stopped George W. Bush or Richard Nixon, or Dennis Kucinich for that matter, from making a comeback. In fact, a tobacco tax also was voted down here last year. So we’re clearly not afraid of reruns.
I have a motto: Alliteration makes for good legislation. So we can sell the snack tax like this: Tack 10 cents onto anything beige, battered or bite-sized.
The obesity epidemic is a serious health crisis. Even cockroaches are coming down with Type 2 diabetes. And it’s all from — surprise — the food we eat. Fast food. Fried food. Sugary food. High-fructose corn syrup. It’s in abundance, and its super cheap. We’ve overindulged, and it’s driving up healthcare costs each year.
But it’s really unpopular to bring that up. We can sin-tax smokers all day long. Don’t let them smoke in public areas; don’t let them smoke in their apartments. Fine them if they smoke in their cars when there are minors riding with them. Shame them into being social pariahs. But mention the connection between late-night drive-thru and Lane Bryant, and you’re the jerk.
Tax junk. If you look on the package for the nutritional facts and there are none to speak of — that’s not food, that’s caloric entertainment. And paying another dime for that is reasonable. Junk-food makers won’t feel the pinch. Junk-food eaters might not even notice. Ditto for those who abstain (health-food nuts and terrorists mostly).
But it finally would force junk food to contribute to healthcare instead of just weighing on the system.
It is time to de-mystify why we are fat. It is what and how much we eat. As the state debates how to pay for healthcare, let’s keep what’s on our table on the table.
I won first place in the BrooWaha writing contest! I’m honored – I’m humbled. I’m horrible at this kind of stuff. I’m fighting the urge to make Marrissa Tomei jokes in the comments section.
Anyway, here is a quote from one of the judges:
” Easy to relate to the writer. [S]he takes you into a situation that most people try to avoid — but because [s]he makes fun of it — you know [s]he isn’t crazy h[er]self…”- David Cohn, Editor at NewAssignment.Net
Because she makes fun of it – you know she isn’t crazy herself? HA! If ONLY it were that easy.
Thanks all!
This is cross posted at Huffington Post:
We’re doing well as a country when the Religious Right is unhappy. When James Dobson and Pat Robertson are upset, the canary is alive in the coal mine!
It’s like – look at us, we’re still a democratic nation! The Ten Commandments haven’t replaced the Bill of Rights. Evolution is still being mentioned in schools. Planned Parenthoods haven’t been completely outlawed. And it’s STILL against the law to stone homosexuals, pornographers and uppity women (pending a two-thirds majority vote in Congress).
I’m no pollster – but I am willing to bet that there is a big chunk of folks who think that the Puritans and the Founding Fathers were the same people. Yes, they argue, the group of people that branded a ‘H’ on the cheeks of accused heretics were the same people responsible for the phrase ‘freedom of speech’.
But that’s what the Religious Right wants us to believe. It gives them a sense of entitlement. They’d have us assume a bunch of pious, simple folks clad in wool and buckles made their way across the Atlantic – plagiarized the chapter in the Bible about forming a republic, called it The U.S. Constitution and then had July 4th fireworks.
The Puritan rule – early 1600’s, the Founding of the United States of America – late 1700’s. There is less time between the Lewis and Clark expedition and Sputnik.
John McCain now famously told Beliefnet that the United States is a Christian nation. Pundits and preachers alike parrot that this country was founded in religion. It’s a nifty little sound bite.
The politically ravenous use it as a ruse. The tale is that in the ‘olden days’ things were somehow better than they are now. More innocent. Free of New Ageism’s tolerance and dreaded hate crime bills. If we can just go back to that time – if we can just get back to the time when we were more devout – then we’ll all be better off. It’s elusive, but just around the corner.
It’s a fabrication that an exclusively religious – peaceful and ultimately blissful era ever existed. It can’t happen ‘again’, because it never happened in the first place. The Puritans came to this land to practice THEIR religion without being persecuted and (at least in the Boston colony) quickly persecuted those who didn’t practice their religion. Quakers were hanged and tortured for blasphemy. Native Americans were killed for being heathens. And sassers, gossipers and adulterers got their ears cropped or their noses split.
Looking back to colonial days for religious precedent is like looking back at the Black Plague for health care reform.
But for the politically ravenous, selling the idea that a Christian state is a birthright and a good idea – gets the untaxed revenue flowing. Revising history and bleaching out some of the objectionable stains makes a new sense of purpose by making, well – ‘new sense‘!
There is the idea that American Christian’s are right and entitled “because we were here first!”
Long SIGH.
So when Christian Conservative leaders threaten to support a third-party candidate because they don’t like Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani, it’s a relief.
It’s like when Rick Santorum failed to get re-elected; it proved that we can come back from the brink of theocracy. And yes, we are having an ‘ideological struggle’ in the Middle East and that kind of seems like a different way of saying ‘holy war’, but if James Dobson doesn’t see any of the GOP candidates as being his future lap dog – there’s hope.
What do eight US presidents and I have in common?
We’re all taller than Helen Thomas.
She was the keynote speaker at Iowa State.
A true compromise is when neither party is happy.
The Right-Wing Agenda:
Brain dead patients and the terminally ill will be kept alive as long as science can manage it.
Children will be taught that God created the world in seven days, regardless of what SCIENCE theorizes.
Abortion should be against the law – if you break the law you should be put to death.
Abortion should be against the law – as should gays adopting unwanted children.
A holy monument with the engraving, “Thou shalt not make any graven images.” Will be erected in front of all courthouses.
Movies are too violent, unless they are depicting stories from the ‘Good Book’ then they’re inspirational.
Everyone will have religious freedom as long as they love Jesus.
Trust the government absolutely, unless they say not to trust them, then trust that.
Jesus was a capitalist. The U.S. Constitution is from the Holy Bible.
Ignore the poor and do nothing for them.
Homosexuality is a sin to be condemned. Gluttony is a sin to be encouraged for strong business.
Say you’re for small government unless it’s a social issue – then dictate what people should do.
Protest (but call it a prayer circle) when you don’t get your way.
The Left-Wing Agenda:
Tolerance for all – unless you disagree.
Criminals should NOT be put to death; but there should be the option for fetuses.
Porn and condoms for all!
Anybody should be able to live in the U.S. without learning its main language or having documentation.
Health care and taxes for all!
Scientific funding and taxes for all!
Art funding and taxes for all!
Jesus was a socialist. The Constitution comes from the ancient Greeks.
Historical wrong doings, conquered peoples and witch hunts – apologize, apologize, and apologize.
Try to offend no one, but be offended by EVERYTHING.
Everything non-western and/or ancient is way more spiritual than anything practiced today.
Point out the poor and do nothing for them.
Say you’re for government regulation, unless it’s on a social issue, then do nothing.
Homosexuals should have equal protection. Unless they are in the closet, then we should violate their privacy.
Protest and Googlebomb when you don’t get your way.
I urge both parties to fight for your full agenda and pray that you neither of you get it.
When partisans are unhappy – it’s good for America.
My gift to you this season:
In order for this poem to rhyme
I have to make fun of the GOP
They’re on their soapbox more and more
Now they’re boycotting a bunch of stores
“It is the birth of Christ, that you should adore”
Even if He was born in the Spring
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t pay for heating
In order to save a dime
I’m not buying anything!
The price of gas has made me poor
And execs profit more and more
I think its time we evened the score
Can you say,”Correctional facility?”
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
Every year its misery
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I have to see my family
I moved away and I was fine
But I can’t escape heredity
It’s medication that is called for
It’s the fighting and crying I abhor
With a drunken recap of family lore
I deserve your sympathy
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
My relatives are all crazy
Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t wait for January…
Happy Holidays from The Sardonic Sideshow!
I had what I called a ‘comedy car’. My neighbor referred to it as “Your Cholo Ride”. It was a 1989 Nissan 240SX. The muffler fell off. It ran good enough without it. I enjoyed setting off a series of car alarms every time I drove down the street. I thought of it as my pronouncement of mobility. Everyone knew when I coming back from the grocery store.
It also had some electronic issues.
For some unexplained reason when I honked the horn, the doors would lock.
The previous owner had installed an alarm that was malfunctioning. So the car would CHIRP every couple of minutes. It was the thing that went TWEET in the night.
The driver’s key hole was broken. The passenger’s window was askew, so you could only close the door when the window was rolled down. Which the window wouldn’t roll down if you pushed the inside button for the door locks.
One time I had a parking space with the passenger door against a wall. The doors decided to lock on their own in the middle of the night. The only entry that my key would be of any use was in the trunk/fastback. So I opened the back and crawled through. Which wouldn’t have been that bad if the latch release wasn’t so stubborn that day, as to not let the back seat go down.
The fastback wind shield wiper wouldn’t shut off unless you had the defogger on. The defogger had to be re-set every 3-minutes. Eventually, the back wiper would still be going even with the defogger on. People would honk at me in traffic to tell me, what was obvious to me: my back windshield wiper was screeching across the back window on the sunniest of days. I lifted the wiper up, so it would just frantically wave back and forth. I did consider putting a hula girl on it so she would dance for the cars in back of me.
It was all glamor though. It broke down in the LA TWICE, in Arizona ONCE and didn’t want to pass smog. The radio and the A/C never worked.
The windshield fluid squirted the top of the car and whatever or whomever was unfortunate enough to be on the side of the vehicle. Back and to the left – but never on the actual windshield.
I would valet the car just to make the attendants laugh. “If you park it up front with the Jags, there’s a bigger tip in it for you.”
Now you tell me, would any self-respecting Cholo drive this car? No, this was a comedy car!
But through all of this, with regular maintenance, the engine started and the breaks stopped. Most people in LA have a close relationships with their hairdressers. I have one with my mechanic. Because of my beater, I’ve paid off most of his mortgage. In return he named his first born after me.
However, this car got me to almost 1000 shows around town. It took me to my first road gig, three hours away from home. It was paid for. It was faster than most 4-cylinders. The seats were comfortable and my dog enjoyed the rides.
I have refused to think that I have an emotional attachment to a car. But then someone pointed out to me that hate is an emotion.
I realized that I feel about this car like we all feel about that crazy relative we all have. Yeah, they are an embarrassment, they do stupid stuff all the time, but without them as a conversation starter – life is just a little dull.
Well, this week, actually yesterday, I sold my comedy car. I sold it to a 240SX enthusiast. I call them Nissan Treckies. It’ll be fixed up and re-sold as another incarnation. But for me, it’s gone.
I bought the first new car I have ever owned it my life. I have had a series of shitty cars. I have never owned a car with A/C, a radio, air bags, or cup holders – let alone that ‘new car smell’. Actually, to be honest, my new car – I don’t own it, the bank does. They let me drive it because I’ve agreed to pay them APR.
The new car is boring. Everything works. It has key less entry, power windows, good gas mileage, tilt steering, an array of cupholders and a warranty! In short, there is no poetry to it. No personality. No soul. It’s a rental car model. One in a FLEET of clones.
I’m considering the following as a bumper sticker for my new car:
-My other car was entertaining
-Honk if your car is exactly like mine!
-Appreciate My Depreciation
-Caution: Total Sell-Out on Board
“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” — President Bush, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
In 1812 the United States decided to invade Canada.
Really. It’s true.
Canada was still a British colony at the time. The British army was busy with a little dude named Napoleon, known best for his namesake desserts. The English were interfering with American shipping interests. There was a desire to get the British out of North America altogether. So, congress thought it was a good idea, at an opportune time and we invaded the Canadian provinces.
The attack on Fort McHenry in Baltimore inspired the poem,”The Star Spangle Banner.” Yes, our national anthem was inspired by our valor in a war we started Canada. A nation that has been figuratively and literally looking down on us ever since.
Anyway, in 1814 the British occupied Washington DC. Seeing the incoming invasion, then First Lady Dolly Madison, also known for her namesake desserts, packed a wagon full of national treasures and fled. The same was true for the president and most of the other residents. The White House was set ablaze as with most of the city.
This was late August. You know, ‘hurricane season’. So this storm came in. Rain and wind – followed by a tornado. Not only did it put out the fires in DC, it caused mass casualties to the British invaders. And because of that, they left the city. A natural occurrence thwarted an occupation.
Americans didn’t win the War of 1812. It was a push. It could have easily gone either way. It was resolved by diplomatic relations, ironically a month before the famously victorious Battle of Orleans. It was very close.
So almost to the exact date, a 191 years ago, the White House and the country were saved by a freak storm.
No matter where your political ideals lay, you must admit Katrina changed this country.
I’ll give you an example: Two and a half years ago, Jeff Gannon, a ‘reporter’ without a publication (Talon News wasn’t even a decent blog), who was a male prostitute, was a member of the White House Press Core. A member on a DAILY basis for TWO years. TWO YEARS! So many questions are still unanswered about this one. What was an unaccredited journalist with a false identity doing in the Press Core? Why was a male prostitute regularly in the White House? Why did all the anti-gay squawkers – stay completely silent about this? Why did this outrage no one? The story broke in Feb. of this year, but never went anywhere. The only answer that I can come up with is the absolute loyalty to this administration. There is a sentiment that we are at war and part of that is trusting and hoping people with power behave themselves.
That’s ONE example out of many. That is really bad. That’s bad for our national security. That’s bad for our free press. That’s bad for our country. But we’ve been occupied. We we told to watch what we do or say. We’ve been told that if we we’re patriots we would support our leaders unconditionally. We have been told that duct tape was going to be our saving grace and dissension would get our family put in jeopardy. Being afraid – that has been an occupation for Americans. The fear of getting killed by a terrorist act coupled with the fear of being Dixie Chicked.
Then again, in late August, a freak storm changed all that.
How Bush Blew It – Newsweek
All the President’s Friends – New York Times
End of the Bush Era – The Washington Post
Living Too Much in the Bubble? – Time Magazine
The barriers of unfettering support and denial of culpability that we have had solidly in place for 5 years have been cracked open. And really, I don’t think anyone anticipated the breach of those levees.
Also posted at Thought Mechanics
“…or face harsher penalties than just dying of starvation after an earthquake.” Warns Republican Senator Rick Santorum. “It’s a matter of personal responsibility that you leave now before a disaster strikes. Heed this warning.”
And Columbia Christians for Life concur. “After God smote Louisiana for having 10 abortion clinics. The next logical step is for Him to kill a bunch of impoverished Californians.”
Religious groups across the country have been calling the once known ‘hurricane season’, “God’s Wrath Upon Homosexuality Month.” As part of the celebration pillars of salt are proudly displayed in places of worship. Noting that California’s earthquakes strike at random, the groups have rejoiced at never having to pay for storage of the pillars.
California legislators passed a bill yesterday that would allow gay marriage in the state. The people at repentamerica.com said,” The citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long, they really brought this on themselves.” They are also calling for Californians to ‘watch their backs’. Stating that if you don’t hate the right people it makes God very angry.
Trailer parks across California have been put on high alert. Former First Lady Barbara Bush stated, “They are underprivileged anyway, I bet they would LOVE staying in the Astro Dome.” When told that most people that live in trailers are white, Mrs. Bush’s tone changed. “Texas has many fine hotels for any future evacuees.”
Speaker Dennis Hastert has reasoned that California has been built on a fault line. “Why would we want to re-build after a disaster? Just bulldoze the entire state and move them to Arizona.” Adding,”If you build on a ‘fault’ line – it’s your fault.”
FEMA director Mike Brown, known for trying to avert any blame, was asked about the mass evacuation of Californians to circumvent any future natural disasters. He said,”I have not heard reports of the millions of people in California.” He then turned to his assistant, “What should I wear to the Congressional Medal of Honor ceremony?”
This was in the New York Times August 31, 2005:
I like creationism better than science. I like debates with the lack of argument. If you believe in creationism – there’s no argument because you’re right – regardless of facts.
Science is hard to study. There are so many books that you have to read and understand in order to be a scientist. To be a creationist – there’s only one Book – and you don’t really have to understand it. Now which is more appealing to you?
Think of creationism as mental streamlining. All those pesky questions and inconsistencies you have in science – all go away with one sentence. The sentence,”God created the world 6,000 years ago, any evidence to the contrary is wrong.” *SIGH* See how a big weight is just lifted off your shoulders by that? All that scientific inquiry causes stress – and stress causes grimacing – grimacing is ugly – therefore scientific inquiry makes you ugly. Don’t be ugly – you were intelligently designed to be beautiful. But not sexual – that’s bad.
Anywho, The Science Channel or as I like to call it – The It’s-Just-A-Theory Channel – won’t tell you about creationism. Because they are propagating lies.
There are 2 million species recorded on this planet.
Two of every animal were saved on Noah’s Arc.
Genetic sequence evidence. “Neutral human DNA sequences are approximately 1.2% divergent (based on substitutions) from those of their nearest genetic relative, the chimpanzee.”
Adam and Eve – you godless monkey!
The planet Earth is around 4.4 billion years old – has gone through atmospheric changes both violent and long term.
Nu huh.
There is a rock and fossil record.
Is not.
The evolution theory is supported by the mutating of viruses. Those are changes we have witnessed in our life time.
La la la la – I’m not listening.
See – it’s so easy!
I view stand up comedy as the firing lines of entertainment. It really is. You are right there for the re-action to whatever you say on stage. Other performers in other genres get nasty letters or ratings. When you’re a stand up – they are either laughing or they aren’t. You know instantly how they feel about something you just said.
So when you spend the week watching videos of human suffering. Wretched, outrageous, miserable, unnecessary suffering – let alone of your countrymen – but of your fellow human beings – of quite possibly your friends – it doesn’t matter because you still have a job to do. And your job is to go on stage and regardless of how you feel – make people laugh.
So I had a gig near Vegas this weekend. Before the show I was talking to the headliner about the hurricane. I started ranting about the incompetency of our government. Blah blah. I was all worked up. Angry. Two seconds later – the show started. A little flustered, I got on stage – did my material. They were laughing. I felt distracted. They didn’t notice.
Then I said that my family was from a little town in Louisiana. I felt a gasp from the crowd.
“It’s still there, don’t worry.” I said to re-assure them.
I said some of the stuff I wrote about on this blog last week. That this is the second Hurricane Katrina to threaten my family – my uncle married the first one. They laughed, this time a little tense. I did a joke about how cool New Orleans is as a city. Then I said that I wanted to go down there and help, but my only usable skill is what I am doing right now – making people laugh. “That’s how we heal – that’s how we know we’ll be okay – when we can laugh.” That got a bigger re-action.
Then I said, “The people of the gulf coast don’t want a moment of silence. They want a moment of a much fucking noise as you can make! Let them hear you!” The crowd went NUTS. Then I brought on the next comedian.
I got backstage and the headliner threw her arms around me. “You did good.” Go ahead and judge me if you’d like – I started crying. The enormity of it all suddenly hit me.
Then I sat down and watched the other comics address it in their own way as well.
What I realized is that I don’t get the luxury of not saying anything (ahem Democrats). I am PAID to say something – I can say anything I want – as long as its funny. There is a responsibility that goes with that. Sometimes you are obligated to talk about the elephant in the living room.
My humor is a personal survival technique. This weekend, stand up comedy became something that wasn’t about me – but about giving other people hope through that perspective.
Academics in the UK claim their research shows that men are more intelligent than women.
So a bunch of men got together, spent months and months of their lives – tons of money involving 80,000 people to prove how smart men are?
That’s fucking brilliant!
