Tina Dupuy

I don’t watch the Oscars for the glamour. I don’t watch so I can find out whose wearing whom. I don’t care how skinny or fat anyone is. I don’t make predictions. I don’t have a financial or an emotional investment in the winners. I watch because I am a comedian and I have to watch. It’s part of my job.

Really, I have to say it – I don’t watch the Oscars to celebrate cinema. I watch MOVIES to celebrate cinema. Watching the Academy Awards is like watching the commercials during the Super Bowl – it’s required viewing.

Okay here’s what I have to say about the 77th annual:

-What happened to the writers of this award show? The copy sounded like the captions in my jr. high year book.

Scarlett Johanson’s copy: “Our Sci Tech Honors are bestowed at an exclusive dinner that is one of the nicest events on the academy calendar. Following this year’s banquet, here are some of the awards I was delighted to present.”

My jr high year book caption: “The 7th grade dance was a wonderful and magical event that had dancing and fun all night long. Pictured here are Joey Turner and Kelly Johnson dancing the night away.

-”Eagerly awaited Catwoman II”, should NEVER be uttered with a straight face.

-Were the seat fillers on strike this year? If you’re going to have people accept awards while in the audience, best not to have empty seats framing the shot.

-Next year have more shots of people sleeping during the ceremony. It shows that Hollywood is actually in touch with how the rest of America feels about the tech awards. Zzzzz.

-Sean Penn the ceremony was ALREADY unfunny and creepy – you just made it worse. Yeah, Jude Law is talented. You could have also refuted that Kerry proposed to Oprah. Or asked why Sean Combs was asked to read lines about ‘hooking into that inner child’.

-Chris Rock’s hosting symbolized the ‘changing of the guard’ for the Oscars. It was out with the hot ’80’s comics (Billy Crystal and Whoopi) and in with the hot ’90’s comics. Chris Rock is like Clinton that way. He marks a coming-of-age for a new generation. I just hope that unlike Clinton, Rock doesn’t do two terms!

This is Abby, Alex, Leslie and Kortney. Their parents run the comedy night at George K’s in Burley , Idaho. Great food.

I slept in my own bed last night. My house hasn’t slid down the hill.

I’m so happy to be home with my dog, my espresso maker and my TiVo – I can’t tell you. The thought occurred to me if this is just a happy dream and I wake up and I’m still in a hotel room in Glasgow, Montana – I’m going to be really PISSED!!

I’ll write more about the trip in general later…

I’m finished. Tomorrow I am driving home, it should take 11 hours. Check back here Sunday for all the pictures.

I’m staying in a casino. The clientele are so old here
that a shower seat comes standard in every room. This
is the second to the last show of this month long run.
The only thing that’s cool is that I no longer care if
the show is good or not. If it’s fun, at this point it’s
a bonus. If it’s not, I no longer feel bad about it.

Actually, I do hope the show doesn’t suck. The last
crappy show I had near a casino, I tried to make
myself feel better with some video poker and ended up
dropping $50.

Whatever, I’ll be home sometime Sat. night. I’ve almost
made it. An insane month of one-nighters and I’m
literally hours from being done. That thought and
coffee are the only things keeping me going.

Were having lunch at a coffee shop/gentleman’s club.
Only in Nevada would the best eggs and toast be at a
well lit, quaint establishment attached to a strip
club. At least I think it is a strip club. Gentleman’s
clubs don’t make you become a member but I’m pretty sure
they have something to do with naked women. Oh, I
just found out it is not a strip club, it’s a house of
prostitution. They sell souvenir mugs and t-shirts.

Grandma, guess what you’re getting for Christmas!

My destination is over 500 miles away. My next gig is in Burley, ID. I doubt we’ll make it that far today since it’s 1pm already. I’m over driving.

I just found out that the wall keeping the parking area next to my house up has cracked. The weather forecast for Los Angeles is another 3 days or so of rain. The parking area is about to go, I guess nothing can be done until the rain stops. I’m so homesick and my home may not be there when I get back. My house or my car – one of the two. God is smiting Los Angeles because the new Star Wars suck. Crappy pre-quels make God mad.

I have acquired some knowledge about traveling across this land. I will share some with those of you in this fine blogosphere:

-Don’t eat fast food. If you need to eat (and you will) don’t go to McDonalds or Burger King. This will, first of all, make you gain weight. Second it will add to the fatigue of traveling. Third you will miss the opportunity to try the local cuisine. Sometimes it sucks (ie The Double Dragon in Pasco, Washington ICK) and sometimes its a great surprise. Either way, it breaks up the monotony of the same fast food burgers day after day.

-Have incense with you at all times. Buy the expensive stuff and use it. It will make your hotel room not smell like a hotel room. If you have any fond memories of opium dens, incense will bring them back. Really, you’re going to want a couple of sticks of sandalwood a night. Bring them.

-Drink water. You’ll forget. It is very important. Your mother tells you this all the time, drink water.

-Don’t sleep in the nude. If you are going to be in several different hotel rooms over a short period of time, you wont remember every lay out everytime you get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. If you are in sub-degree temperatures – you’re just asking for trouble. Wear PJs and then if you open the front door instead of the bathroom, it wont be as traumatic.

-If you find yourself with a pillow that feels like sandpaper, a large t-shirt can be placed over it for your comfort. Unless you want to exfoliate while you sleep, otherwise use the t-shirt.

-Make sure the clock in your room is accurate. Never assume someone has set it. If you need to be anywhere on time, make sure it’s correct.

-This is the most important tip: Don’t think about that fact that there is literally a hundred different kinds of DNA within every inch of your room. Don’t think about this when trying to sleep. This will only creep you out. This will only make you into the character Monk. This will not help your travels. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about the headboard. Don’t think about how they NEVER wash the bedspread. Don’t think about how poorly housekeeping is treated and you are suffering their revenge on the world. Think about your old punk rock days when people thought you were cool because you drank beer with cigarette butts in it. Think about camping. Think about Jon Stewart naked. Think about anything other than the DNA evidence.

Happy travels!!!

Im writing this while the headliner is doing his act.
WEIRD SHOW! They made me work so hard for very little.
It must have shown because after I got off stage, one
guy came up to me and gave me a $20 bill and someone
else gave me some pot. I dont smoke, I dont know what
I should do with it. I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD JOB!

They say pot makes you parinoid. I havent smoked any,
I just have some in my pocket and have blogged about
it and IM PARINOID!

Ive lost track of my tally…I know this is the 16th
hotel room Ive slept in since I left. I think Ive seen
this room in crime scene photos on Court TV. YIKES!

It could be worse. I could be a liberal college prof
on The Fox News Hit List. The irony of a mind numbing
network denouncing free thought is not lost on me.
Honestly, Ive really never watched Fox until this trip
(life being too short and all). I think watching Fox
would make our Founding Fathers cry. When did
McCarthyism come back into fashion? Get out your
poodle skirts and bobby socks – lets hoola!

Anyway, Im blogging, again on my cell phone and its
really limited as to what I can do…like a long post,
for example.

Strangest place to do a radio interview: Five miles up a dirt road in Montana to a radio station in some guy’s basement. He was the Wayne’s World of Country Music. However, getting and keeping an FCC license in this day of major media conglomerates, is no easy task. Props to him.

Most beautiful drive: The Columbia River Gorge. It’s on the border of Oregon and Washington State – stunning.

Strangest coincidence: The owner of the bar in Anaconda is the father of a guy that I knew in high school. That wouldn’t be too weird if I went to high school in Montana. But I went to high school in Northern California.

Stupidest thing anyone has said to me after I did a set with a severe head cold: “The stuff you wrote is really funny but you really need to work on your timing.” Then I sneezed on him.

Best compliment: Two girls (they were a bit buzzed) came up to me and repeated my jokes to me. And then repeated them again. And again.

Things I didn’t think I would miss at home: Reading online newspapers for hours. My espresso maker. TiVo. Sleeping passed 11 am.

Thing I knew I would miss and do: My dog.