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Another Installment of…

On August 5, 2005, in Ask Tina, Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

ask tina

Dear Tina,

I have ran into a problem I’m sure many people have suffered. Ok, well I will start off by saying that I have a rather large family that goes back many many generations…. well I suppose we all do, but nontheless my family is very proud of their Basque heritage and it seems as though every Basque being believes that somehow that we are all related in this city of Boise. To give you a brief summary of our history it all started with one family like five or six generations ago running sheep all over the Boise area. Anyways… I met this girl the other night and she was extremely attractive and we started talking about whatever. There was definately a lot of chemistry between us. Now keep in mind this is the first time we have ever met, so she asked me what my last name was and I told her. She then got this troubled look on her face and told me that she was also Basque and she thought she could have been related to me somehow. So my question is this: How far away does the branch of the family tree go out before someone is no longer considered family?? Not that I have any plans on marrying this person but all relationships must start somewhere, right? Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,
Justin

Dear Justin,

My first thought is,”Holy cow! You’re Basque and you met a nice Basque girl!?! In Boise – I’m assuming Idaho?!?” I’m no statistician – but WOW – what are the odds?

Basque? Someone once asked me who the Basque are. I popped off that they’re the fiercely independent red-headed step children of France and Spain. It might have been the coffee talking, but I’m close. The Basque language is related to no other languages that are spoken today. The Basque people as an ethnic group are related to no other ethnic group known today. They have a fascinating history and folklore. As far as heritages go – pretty cool one to have (this coming from someone with a French last name – yeah eat your Freedom Fries and bite me!).

Anyway, back to your problem Justin. My family is from a small town in Louisiana. Everybody in the entire state is somehow related to me. It has lead me to have an Oedipus phobia but for cousins. If someone is from Marksville – I assume that if we were to have children they would come out with odd numbers of heads and toes. So I understand your concern – mine borderlines on irrational.

With that being said, I believe if you don’t have any of the same parents – that’s a good start. Then it gets tricky. Whoever did genealogy the first time – got real lazy after the parental line. “Okay, aunt and uncle…YAWN – the rest of ‘em are cousins.” Which makes every Basque person in Boise – most likely your cousin. However, it is legal to marry a second or third cousin – in most states (if I would have to guess Utah wouldn’t be one of those states) and in the Catholic church. I would consider omitting that detail on the wedding invitations, but that’s just me.

But Justin you’re talking about ONE family SIX generations ago. That’s by now a very diluted gene pool. So you have a relative in common – big deal! Half of Mongolia is related to Genghis Kahn. No joke. Him and his sons got BUSY after winning battles. The Great Wall wasn’t just to keep the big invading armies out – it was to keep the little microscopic invading armies out!

So to answer you question: I think you’re safe to pursue this woman without stigma or worry. If there is chemistry – that’s the best anyone can hope for. Enjoy it and congratulations.

Tina

Send your questions about life, love and social phenomenon to Ask Tina.

My God is Better

On August 4, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Here is my preemptive strike on Justice Sunday II:

Let me start off by saying – I was born in a cult. Oh – is that ever a conversation starter! Just to see the faces on people as they inch away from me at parties – it’s priceless!

The cult that I was born in is pretty well known. We left when I was very young, in case you’re curious.

“So how does that make you feel about religion, Tina?”

Like I always say: One man’s rapture is another man’s 70 virgins in paradise.

I like science. I like numbers. I like the great mysteries of the universe. I like not having all the answers. It makes me feel – small, right sized – you know HUMAN.

I will offer this: there are 6 billion people on this planet. We are a very, very, very successful species. And out of that 6 billion there are only a billion certified atheists. So in a democratic kind of way (if the world population were voting on the issue) – there probably is a God. And also in a democratic kind of way (if the world population were voting on the issue) – the God that there probably is – probably ISN’T yours.

There is a difference between a religious country and a country that is free to worship. In religious countries people are brought into the fold via gun point. That’s quite a religious experience. Now I ask you, what kind of country do you REALLY want to live in?

snicker

On August 3, 2005, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

You know what’s funnier than the Scottish cloning – of all animals – a sheep?

The Koreans cloning a dog.

The joke is: The Scottish scientists wanted a new girlfriend and the Korean scientist wanted – a snack.

If you came here to some well written highbrow humor – I hope you are now throughly disappointed. They’ll be none of that today!

Jesus Holds a Press Conference to Announce His Retirement From Politics

On August 2, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

jesus

Transcript from Aug 2, 2005 in the Rose Garden:

JC: Thank you all for coming. I am honored to have been in the public service for as long as I have. But the time has come for me to step aside and I’m looking forward to having more time to spend with my family. I will now open it up to your questions and concerns. Yes, you there Ted.

Q. Why now? Why not a couple of years ago?

JC: As many of you know, I have been in the White House for the past 5 years. It is a very demanding job. I fully support the president and his administration. There is no riff between the president and I. There just comes a time when One feels they are more needed in the private sector.

Q. Will you still be working with the president on a consulting basis?

JC: Yes, of course. The president and I will still talk everyday. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about our conversations as always. He paraphrases a lot…just note that. I should have mentioned that earlier, but anyway – next question?

Q. There is a rumor that you will be joining the Democratic Party. Could you confirm that?

JC: As I told you – I am not a partisan. Never have been. I know it’s been a weird 5 years for everyone. And that’s why I am getting out of politics all together.

Q. Will you be attending Justice Sunday II?

JC: Well, I wasn’t invited. Uhm…They didn’t say I couldn’t come but…uh…my Sundays are pretty busy anyway, so… Okay, next question?

Q. Jesus, your retirement is in the wake of the Rove/Plame scandal on on the eve of Bush’s appointment of John Roberts. Has that been a factor in your decision?

JC: No comment.

Q. Did Rove leak Plame’s name?

JC: No comment.

Q. Should Rove be fired?

JC: I said, no comment. Now, are they’re any other questions?

*silence*

JC: No more questions? Well, if there are no more questions…Uhm, I look forward to, like I said, spending more time with my family. My family is quite large. So I plan on staying pretty busy. Really? You guys have no more questions for me? None at all? Wow. Okay, well I thank you all for coming. I won’t make you guys do this a second time – promise. Good night.

More Advice From

On July 31, 2005, in Ask Tina, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

ask tina

Dear Tina,
Going with the theme of your most recent creation of sarcastic comedy, I find myself in a ssstr-Uhg-gle!
My problem is so severe nobody was even remotely able to help me. You’re not the first person I am writing to and I sad to say you’re probably not the last. One of my naughty habits is to write slightly insulting messages with a comedic twist to random people on the internet. In fact it is so much of a habit that I cannot stop doing it. Now. As you can imagine and as I’m sure you have experienced yourself, some people have an allergic reaction to this, comparable only with a flu, frankly they will puke all over you.
A person who meanwhile I became friends with send me a cuss-infested message including the request to get a ‘life moron’. I found it hard to follow this demand as I went to the local pet store and a walmart hoping to get some useful information. All I received was a perplexed facial expression and some confused uttering of incomprehandable noises. None of my friends have thus far been able to come up with any viable solution, therefore I set about to write people who may possibly have insight on this issue.

Sincerely,

A man torn apart by an internal struggle to find a life moron.

Dear Man Torn Apart by an Internal Struggle to Find a Life Moron,

You have stumbled upon a hobby older than time. Just think of random emails as new version of cave paintings. Yes, that’s right – letter writers have been a staple in society as long as there has been society.

In a democracy, with the wide availability of fountain pens and mass produced paper – letter writing by the masses has become the bane of assistants to elected officials and entertainers everywhere. Yes, that’s right. Lets take a moment to think of all the poor assistants that have had to read all those letters.

But I digress…As I was saying, your hobby of writing messages to random people is an archetype. It is a long standing tradition brought about by the myth that the pen is mightier than the sword. If that’s not an invitation to tap out some letters – I don’t know what is. And now you know why blogging has become so popular. It’s thousands of years of angst helped along by a hundred year old technology that has peaked on this recent innovation of the web blog. The only thing that has curbed random letter writing is being able to put all your gripes on one website for public display. Think about that. What if there were no blogs? What would bloggers be doing instead? They would be ‘writing slightly insulting messages with a comedic twist to random people on the internet’ to use your words.

Moron, you have a life and don’t need to go to Wal-Mart to get it. With out you and your kind – no one would truly know if anyone was paying attention. The effort it takes (even though you seem to feel its more of a compulsion) is commendable. The fruits of your labor become dinner conversations and topics on IMs. You’re work gets forwarded and saved in inboxes. You force people to think about what they are doing and the reasons they are doing it. I will go as far as to call what you do in your spare time – an art form.

So my solution dear Moron, is not for you to quit or seek help. My solution is for you to celebrate what you bring to the table. Your role is important. Without you – all I would get through email is information on how to enlarge my penis and lower my mortgage rate.

Tina

Send your questions about life, love and social phenomenon to Ask Tina.

Eh…this should work

On July 30, 2005, in Podcasts/Video, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Okay let’s try this…

Here’s the first of two segments on Steve Young’s show that I did today.

Let me know if you can hear it and if everything works.

This was a lot of fun. I hope you guys enjoy it.

First part

Second part

Rick Overton is awesome!

Radio Spot

On July 29, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I will be on Air America Los Angeles tomorrow (Sat.) at 3:30 pm on Steve Young’s show.

It’s a promo for Phil’s fundraiser next week at the Friars Club of Beverly Hills.

If you live in LA you can hear it on KTLK 1150 AM.

It won’t be on satellite radio – I’ll put a podcast up later on in the day.

So tune in – it’ll be a time!

For more info on the show CLICK HERE!

Operation: Enduring Excuse

On July 28, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

tina We’re no longer at war with the terrorists?

bush We’re struggling against violent extremists.

tina ‘The Struggle Against Violent Extremists’ sounds like a manual written for doctors at abortion clinics.

*sound of crickets chirping*

bush *blank stare*

tina Anyway, uhm…As you were saying, the struggle…

bush I’m a struggle president. No one wants to be the struggle president. That’s what I do. Think about struggle. Think about extremists. Our country is at struggle.

tina I think of a ’struggle’ as something that happens in the summer when your AC goes out, you’ve eaten too much and you have to put your jeans on. You even HAVE to say the word with a certain grimace on your face…you know….ssstr-Uhg-gle!

bush We’re not fighting a metaphor – we’re struggling. We’re struggling to win. There are extremists out there that are willing to struggle back and kill Amurikans.

tina I’m sorry, this campaign or whatever you call it – is beginning to sound like a tug-o-war.

bush Not war – struggle.

tina Tug-o-struggle, then.

bush Hehe, that’s pretty good. You must be a West Texas girl, just like me.

tina *blank stare*

*crickets chirping*

tina Ahem…So it’s actually a war on euphemisms?

bush I’m the commander – see, I don’t need to explain -I do not need to explain why I say things. And it’s not war–

tina Struggle on euphemisms.

bush And God bless Amurika!

Menudo To Go

On July 27, 2005, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

martin

Ricky Martin was in the pioneer Latin boy band Menudo. The band that paved the way for New Kids on the Block, N Sync and The Back Street Boys. You know, the groups that do all those annoying songs that get played at malls; those vaguely familiar yet indiscernible pop ballads? I call it the ‘gay men and 12 year old girls’ genre. The ‘right stuff’…

Now Ricky Martin visiting tsunami victims. His foundation built 225 homes for orphans of the disaster. He went on Opera without jumping on a couch to talk about it. And just this week he is reaching out to Arab youths as an UNICEF goodwill ambassador.

And yeah, there was a slight snafu with a traditional Arab headscarf…that I won’t get into. Read the article yourself.

So take that Boy Bands! What are you going to do now? Are you going to continue vying for a slot on the next season of the Surreal Life? Or are you going to follow Ricky’s lead and dance step your way to making the world a better place? Causes aren’t just for talented rock musicians anymore (ahem Bono). No. Now even the bubble gum 15 second sensations are going to have to do something – now that Ricky is living his vida loca in the Arab world. You guys are going to have to pick up a paper and figure out what you’re going to do.

My point is Justin Timberlake – Ricky Martin is exposing you as a boob.

You go Ricky!

Roven Hooves

On July 27, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

There is a rumor that Mr. Karl Rove might be having a little affair with lobbyist Karen Johnson.

Two things:

The Plame scandal has stayed in the press with no sex – which is impressive.

AND if we find out that this juicy bit of information is true…I’ve already thought of a nickname for him.

Forget ‘Turd Blossom’!

His new nickname is:

Jabba the Slut.

Suppose Santorum…

On July 26, 2005, in Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

ricky

I had a lovely dream last night. It was a Santorum Utopia….

Terri Schiavo was alive and in a persistent vegetative state.

All the women of America suddenly quit working outside the home, threw out their birth control and were fulfilled and happy.

All the Supreme Court decisions the were based on the interpretation of the Right to Privacy in the US Constitution were overturned. No birth control, abortions or gay sex would ever be legal again.

Homosexuals were deemed anti-family and therefore anti-homeland security and thus terrorists and sent off to live in Gitmo as enemy combatants.

Intellegent design was an entire section of the SAT.

The word ‘filibuster’ was officially changed to ‘Nazism’.

Boston, because it is ‘ a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America’ publicly apologized for making Catholic priests into pedophiles.

Then I woke up and realized that we are still living in a ’sick culture’. I can always read my fantasy literature book titled “It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good”. Or as we dreamers call it “How Great Life Would Be If Santorum Were King.”

Well, you…

On July 25, 2005, in Ask Tina, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

ask tina

Dear Tina, I get really nervous when I’m at parties. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. What do I do? Sincerely, Paranoid in Portland

Well, Paranoid, unless you are Ashlee Simpson emailing me again (in which case you’re NOT paranoid and the people at parties ARE talking about you), you are over-reacting. Everyone feels nervous at parties. That’s why they have food and booze there.

Anyway, it’s a universal downfall of humans to assume that if they can’t hear something being said – it’s about them. Take for instance if you were on a train and there were two people talking in Albanian, or some other language that you aren’t familiar with. You would automatically think that you were their subject. Ridiculous! Ask any reality show contestant – it takes a lot of hard work to actually get people talking about you. Ask anyone with a pink mohawk what commitment it is to be a spectacle. Ask anyone without talent that is famous – it takes tons of effort to get the buzz out.

The truth is Paranoid, just make sure you fly isn’t down again. Trust that you’re quite boring and the Albanians are talking about the weather.

Tina

Send your questions about life, love and social phenomenon to Ask Tina.

Local Looney

On July 24, 2005, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I spent the weekend in Central California. I went to a wedding out on a ranch. We were out in the middle of nowhere. The location was a boarding school built in the 1930’s. It looked like a summer camp/backdrop for a teenage horror film.

Anyway, we were driving around and there were all the signs that read,”MJ Ranch.” I wondered if we were near Neverland.

Uh, yeah – we were. And yes, I forgot my camera at home.

Neverland Ranch is nestled on the outskirts of a Danish settlement about 30 miles from the coast. Mention any of the following: Micheal, Jackson, Trial, Neverland and get a diatribe in return from the locals.

Don’t get me wrong. I was never a Michael Jackson fan and never really got it. I was so indifferent to him and his music – I once almost got beat up in elementary school for confusing Jackson with Prince.

thriller prince
Hello! For a brief time in the ’80’s they had the same hair! And they both looked like beautiful Latin girls.

However, while I was there I kind of did want to wear a rhinestone glove and trot around the local grocery store humming, “Smooth Criminal.”

What a lousy time to forget my camera and Thriller T-shirt.

“Where’s your pass?”

On July 21, 2005, in Favorites, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

Our nation is being run by a bunch of hall monitors! You know, the runny nose, bed wetting, finger wagging, prying, personal record keeping kids that irked us in elementary school. Guess where they are now? They’re hopped up on power, stoned on their own righteousness and out to tell us regular people exactly how we should be and what we should be doing.

Here it is:

If you are against abortion – you shouldn’t have one. I’m serious. Don’t get one. You really should follow your conscience and not terminate that pregnancy.

If you are against gay marriage – please – please – please – don’t marry someone of the same gender. It will end badly, I’m almost sure of it.

If you are for prayer in schools – you should pray while in school. Just because you’re at an institution of learning doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t check in with the Big Guy in the Sky. Go on, pray.

If you are for the war in Iraq – go sign up. Go sign your kids up. A yellow ribbon magnet made in China doesn’t get you off the hook. Be safe on your tour!

If you are against protesters. Better not protest then. No more screaming that anti-war protester are un-American. Distention is more American than automatic compliance. Well, at least it used to be.

If you think prostitutes are vile scum. I feel the same way about lawyers, until I need one. Thank God, no one has criminalized using attorneys.

If you are against stem cell research – don’t use them. When you’re looking to find cures for juvenile diabetes, Parkinson’s, or spinal cord injuries use other methods. You are on high moral ground. Don’t be tempted. Stick to the way the Good Book tells you how to do scientific research.

If you are against birth control, don’t use it. If you want to leave reproduction up to chance – by all means knock yourself out/up.

If you are against teaching evolution – don’t teach it. Teach something you agree with. Math is good. Teach math.

If you are for executing prisoners, attend their executions. Go witness something you feel so okay with.

If you are against pornography you should not produce it, be in it, or watch it. It’s not something you think is right – then don’t be involved in it. The HUGE industry and the MILLIONS of people it employs will understand. You don’t like porn? I don’t like romantic comedies. There’s other stuff to choose from.

Lastly, if you’re against gays adopting children or serving in the military – you don’t get to talk about how the certain group (ahem) you belong to is being persecuted in this country. This one I’m particularly serious about.

Sometimes it seems that my free country is turning into a ‘free’ country.

In short – American Hall Monitors – mind your own God damned business!

Tina Dupuy

Another Installment of…

My God is Better

snicker

Jesus Holds a Press Conference to Announce His Retirement From Politics

More Advice From

Eh…this should work

Radio Spot

Operation: Enduring Excuse

Menudo To Go

Roven Hooves

Suppose Santorum…

Well, you…

Local Looney

“Where’s your pass?”

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