2005 December

What a year!

On December 30, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, Yay Science!, by Tina Dupuy

I am tempted to do a year in review in installations. Then I thought it’s already taken me a year to review it. The clock is ticking…and about to leap by an entire second.

2005: The Year the Weather Blew and the Government Showed They Suck

In 2005, we saw a breach of the levees that NO ONE anticipated. Being critical of the once omnipotent power in the White House. Social Security indeed!

Two of my heroes died: Hunter S. Thompson and Richard Pryor. We were lucky to have had them.

It was disclosed this year that Armstrong Williams, other conservative columnists and much of the Iraq Press were paid for by the government. Your tax dollars at work trying to convince you that your tax dollars are at work.

George Bush left his vacation early to save one person, Terri Schaivo.
guitar

But fiddled around when millions of people could have used an executive order.

Comedians Mitch Hedberg, Freddy Soto and Warren Thomas died while you can still see Carrot Top live in Vegas.

The Micheal Jackson Trial had more comedians on the line-up than an HBO special.
jackson

Indicted: The leader of the House Tom Delay and Chief of Staff Scooter Libby did what all politicians do – but they got caught. smug

Aw, the ‘criminalization of politics’.

FEMA Director Michael Brown, a horse judge/crony did a ‘heck of a job’ with Hurricane Katrina. The death toll is currently 1,095. Making it the deadliest natural disaster in the US since the advent of the helicopter. NEVER FORGET! No joke here. I’m still pissed. Didn’t we give up our civil rights to be safer?!? Lying, incompetent bastards. Now you can’t say ‘Homeland Security’ without it sounding sarcastic.

Michael Brown is now a consultant for disasters. His first piece of advice? DON’T HAVE MICHEAL BROWN IN CHARGE OF A DISASTER!

The Pope died and then there was a new pope that made the old pope a saint.

Intelligent Design, birth control refusals, pro-death penalty, anti-gays-existing, Ten Commandment displays, Justice Sundays, rapture insurance, calls to bomb Mecca and/or San Francisco, bitchy letter writing campaigns – and we thought the liberals could be annoying!

Judith Miller, Martha Stewart and Jeb Bush’s son were in jail.

Son of Florida Gov. Bush Arrested

AUSTIN, Texas – The youngest son of Florida Gov.
Jeb Bush was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials said.

In 2005 Bush ‘explained’ his policy in Iraq over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…just in case we didn’t understand the 20th time around, he then explained it again. Actually if you don’t agree with his policy in Iraq – his new strategy is to win you over with repetition. It’s kind of like water torture, if only the administration was into that kind of thing.

Most exciting news of 2005: We found out who was Deep Throat and saw pictures of a giant squid alive.

Why is this so exciting?

Because BOTH were rumored to be Pat Buchanan.

The administration’s buying news, outing a CIA agent and wiretaps are found to be illegal. Bush made his staff take an ethics refresher course.

There was a war declared on porn, science, terrorism, culture and Christmas. In 2005 it was PEACE that was OUT.

Have a happy leap second and new year!

Oh December Time

On December 20, 2005, in Favorites, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

My gift to you this season:

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
The lack of sunshine kills me

In order for this poem to rhyme
I have to make fun of the GOP

They’re on their soapbox more and more
Now they’re boycotting a bunch of stores

“It is the birth of Christ, that you should adore”
Even if He was born in the Spring

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t pay for heating

In order to save a dime
I’m not buying anything!

The price of gas has made me poor
And execs profit more and more

I think its time we evened the score
Can you say,”Correctional facility?”

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
Every year its misery

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I have to see my family

I moved away and I was fine
But I can’t escape heredity

It’s medication that is called for
It’s the fighting and crying I abhor

With a drunken recap of family lore
I deserve your sympathy

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
My relatives are all crazy

Oh December Time, Oh December Time
I can’t wait for January…

Happy Holidays from The Sardonic Sideshow!

tree

Dear Future Me,

On December 19, 2005, in General Announcements, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Hey yawl!

Since this is my 3rd December as a blogger (note that I am a neutral party in the War on Christmas). There are a couple of holiday traditions for The Sardonic Sideshow.

1. Year in Review: I’m working on it – it’s been a hell of a year.

2. New Year Resolutions.

Now the second one is usually something dumb like “Pluck my eyebrows every week.” or “Shower.” Something mocking the idea of making resolutions.

Anyway, I bring this up because there is this site called Futureme.org. It’s a virtual time capsule done by email. Basically, you send your future self an email up to 30 years in the future. You could chose, of course to have the email sent to you the next day or any other time in between.

Scroll through the public ones. It’s a site dedicated to beating yourself up before hand for things you know you won’t do in the future.

This is a weird topic. I find that when I read my journals from when I was a teenager, my present self thinks I was a total idiot. Which makes me think that my future self will think my now present self is a total idiot. Then maybe ‘wisdom’ is building an immunity to caring that you were/are an idiot.

I’ve just drowned in my own deepness.

Check out the site anyway. Cheers.

Trust Us: A US Wiretapping Exclusive

On December 17, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

bush And the activities conducted under this authorization have helped detect and prevent possible terrorist attacks in the United States and abroad.

When total incompetency meets absolute power…

The search for Al Qaeda.

spy Mission accomplished. After years of dedication we have finally infiltrated the cell.

bush You’ve found I-keeda?

spy Very close.

ikea

bush The headquarters of Ikea…I-keeda. Tomato – tomoto – Iraq – Iran – whatever. Heck of a job! You’re getting a medal. Heck of a job!

spy Under your specific orders, we have uncovered hundreds of ties to Ikea, sir.

bush We’re making America safer.

spy We have Ikea’s number three man in custody.

bush We do not torture.

spy LOL! You’re a riot Mr. President.

bush I’m the commander-in-chief.

spy Evil men with no conscience, Mr. President. Look what our intelligence has uncovered!

instructions

spy We must decipher their plans. Get me a translator!!!

bush Give this man a nomination!

Bye Bye Miss 2005

On December 16, 2005, in General Announcements, by Tina Dupuy

Here’s a poll for you dear readers:

What was your favorite story or event of 2005?

Most outrageous? Shocking? Coolest ever? Best for jokes? What do you have?

I’m partial to the giant squid finally caught on tape, myself.

This is for a reader’s highlights post. The comments are open for any ideas.

Thanks!

Oops he did it AGAIN

On December 15, 2005, in Political Dribble, by Tina Dupuy

Bush takes responsibility for intelligence

There was nothing Pryor

On December 10, 2005, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Richard Pryor died today.

He is in every single comic’s Top 5 of All Time Comedian.

I’m no exception.

He’s going to crack God’s ass up!

Glad you can rest now, Richard.

Thank you for what you gave to the world.

Know Your Enemy

On December 7, 2005, in Hey Look, I'm a Writer, Political Dribble, by Tina Dupuy

Iraq and its debunked dictator have pulled a fast one on the world.

Here they were, pursuing nuclear capabilities and stockpiling weapons – hiding them so well that the UN inspectors believed they weren’t even there. Sneaky sneaky.

But George W. Bush catapulted this UN propaganda. He knew that Iraq and Saddam had WMD’s. And he knew if he ordered an Army of One (thousand) to accomplish their mission in a country the size of Texas (California) THEN he’d find those weapons.

Then the Coalition of the Willing (don’t forget Poland!) preemptively invaded. This is how brilliant Iraqis are: Even though they were being invaded by a foreign superpower (and friends) – they never used ONE of their WMD’s. Can you imagine the restraint that must have taken? Statues are being toppled. Buildings are being bombed. Humvees are trolling through the streets and you have all these weapons – but you don’t use them. You’ve told the world that you don’t have them. You don’t want to look like a liar.

What Saddam did want – want more than anything – want even more than his embargo-foiled liposuction machine was to make George W. Bush – his much hated enemy – look bad. To make him look like a liar would be the sweetest revenge for the impending loss of his regime. Sneaky sneaky.

And that’s what Saddam did. Faced with capture, exile or death – he did the only thing he could: Not use any of his WMD’s.

But George W. Bush is not the kind of man so easily tricked. He changed topics!

“Okay, I know you’re bluffing. If you’re going to be so stubborn as to not kill masses of people even though you can – I’ll see your WMD’s and I’ll raise you a democracy.”

Oooh, Bush called him out! A brilliant play. Instead of it being about an impending mushroom cloud – it was all about the ballot box. Take that, captured dictator!

Yes. Freedom. And just to one up his opponent – to show his commitment, Bush has so far spent over $200 billion to liberate 25 million people. Lavish? Yes! Extravagant? Yes! A perfect way to really stick it to Saddam? Absolutely!

All Saddam had to do was give up his WMD’s and none of this would have ever happened. Bush didn’t want to spend all that money. There are 50 people in Alaska that need a bridge! But alas, Saddam brought this upon himself. He mis-underestimated his opponent. And his opponent’s willingness to bankroll freedom.

However, Bush as a military genius has one Achilles Heel – the one thing that frustrates his legacy, his administration and his spreading freedom. It’s all those rotten apples! From the prison guards at Abu Ghraib, to Scooter Libby, to the suicide bombers. It’s the cost of freedom and bestowing freedom: there are going to be TONS of individuals acting on their own free will to muck up your flawless plans.

The only mistake Bush has ever made was trusting all those rogue individuals to behave themselves. The insurgents could use an ethics refresher course, too. When someone tries to give you your freedom – you say, “Thank you!” You don’t thwart The War on Terror by resorting to terrorist activities. If nothing else it’s repetitive. And Bush is NOT a man that likes repeating himself!

Bush has not been outplayed by his enemies. He’s been sabotaged by those he thought were his friends. His military savvy has been undercut by those that won’t play along. He is like Julius Caesar getting stabbed by his inner circle, mocked by Lyndie England, and embarrassed by suicide bombers.

We can’t rewrite history. It’s the past. Evil men, obsessed with ambition and unburdened by conscience, are pulling out all the stops. They want us not to trust George W. Bush. They have done everything possible to undermine him and 60% of us have been fooled. Sneaky sneaky.

Noble Peace Tries

On December 4, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

A group calling itself the Swords of Truth Bridgade, have kidnapped 4 Christian peace activists in Iraq.

The four are members of Christian Peacemaker Teams, a small, international group which aims to reduce worldwide violence.

They have threatened to kill them unless prisoners in U.S. and Iraqi detention centers are released.

This is going to end badly.

The Swords may not realize this – but the people in charge and the powerful Religious Right DON’T LIKE PEACE ACTIVISTS.

I’m sure Bush would gladly hand them Cindy Sheehan if given the chance.

Bill O’Reilly would gladly hand them the entire city of San Francisco.

For those in charge of keeping the prisoners in the US and Iraq, the folks that the Swords are trying to appeal to, they couldn’t have chosen less desirable people to threaten the lives of.

I mean, clearly there was a lack of planning.

For example: if you want to piss off the Religious Right, just mention that Jesus was a pacifist. It makes them nuts. If they don’t try to kick your ass they’ll declare a war on you, just like they’ve done with Christmas.

The only people that would re-act and do something if a peace activist’s life was threatened, are other peace activists. And their whole message is NOT doing something.

Anyway, I think we all know what happens to people that talk about peace.

This sucks.

Kentucky Democrat Interview

On December 3, 2005, in FAQs, Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

This is a cross post at Kentucky Democrat on December 3, 2005

Daniel Solzman: Thank you for joining the Kentucky Democrat today. How are things out in sunny California?

Tina Dupuy: Since I wear SPV 40 indoors…it sucks for me. Besides that – just fine. Thanks for asking.

DS: You’re a political comedian. Has the president’s re-election led to more comedy or not enough?

TD: You really don’t hit your stride making fun of an administration until the second term. It’s like wine or Cheetoes or something that needs to be properly aged.

I have no idea what that means.

DS: Is it hard work coming up with material?

TD: No. It’s hard to come up with good material. For every 100 jokes I write, maybe one will end up in my act. And that ratio is a vast improvement to what it was when I started, which I think was more like 1000 to 1.

DS: How do you think a Kerry administration would have done in terms of comedy?

TD: ZZZzzzzz…..whut! huh? Kerry who!?!

Just saying his name has the same effect as Ambien.

DS: Is it true that material for blue states doesn’t play well in red states or vice versa?

TD: People are people where ever you go. I have had liberal audiences turn on me and I’ve had conservative audiences turn on me.

I think funny is funny. I don’t change my act for the color of the state. I can disagree with something politically – but if it’s funny I still laugh. Which is the main reason liberal audiences are hard to play to. They are really quick to be offended if you aren’t a lesbian or a person of color and are obviously taking stage time away from someone that might be.

Where as conservatives that are easily offended NEVER go out to comedy clubs. They are too busy staying home, writing letters and feeling persecuted.

I make fun of absurdity and stupidity which is a bi-partisan downfall. I also am there to entertain people not indoctrinate them with my political opinions. That’s what my blog is for.

DS: Have any good material for the Ernie Fletcher job scandal here in Kentucky?

Fletcher is a Republican, right?

“Republican” is an ancient Greek word meaning, “never to blame.” I don’t know anything about the scandal but I know that the Democrats are trying to destroy a good man’s reputation by making these accusations. And Fletcher may have a sudden urge to “spend more time with his family.”

But I’m just guessing.

DS: You’re a blogger, right? How’s that going?

TD: I’m a blogger? My resume has never seemed so…nerdy.

I have run a blog for two years as of last Aug. In blog years – that’s a long time. However, I’m still not that comfortable with telling people at parties that I do it.

It’s a great exercise as a writer. A guy wrote on his blog that I wrote better than some columnists. You’d think I’d be flattered. Yet, I immediately thought, “Wow. I’m a loser. I should submit my work to newspapers.” So I started doing that. A couple of pieces have gotten published. Which may have not happened if I wasn’t obsessively writing a blog almost everyday for two years.

Now I’m working on a book.

It also lets my family members stay abreast of what’s going on in my life, without me actually having to talk to them. It’s really cool. All I can say it that it has enriched my life in many ways. Geez, that sounded very infomercial of me huh? I’m so broke that only my life is enriched.

I have no idea what that means.

I have to say that I love all the people that read my blog. I really do. I wouldn’t invite any of them over for dinner, but I love them all nonetheless. It’s very encouraging to have people that spend their free time reading your work, whether it’s just to disagree with you or not.

I should qualify that last statement with the fact that I’m not the typical blogger. I think there are really three categories blogs fall under.

1) Political/News
2) Personal online diaries.
3) Hobbies

I kind of fall into the first one. It’s kind of a political blog. Of course I’m not affiliated with any candidates or political parties. I have conservative and liberal fans. I’m a satirist/comedian. I think a lot of political blogs do a lemming disco about issues and just parrot the party line. Not that it’s a bad thing in any way. I read a lot of those blogs, some are very informative. There are TONS of them. That’s just not what I do. I try to think of something funny and/or insightful to say about a news item. The challenge is doing THAT on a daily basis. Some days I wish I could just put up a bunch of links to newspaper articles or whine about the new toothpaste I tried and go back to bed.

DS: Will you ever bring your stage act to a late night show or even a sitcom?

I’m on the phone to my manager right now.

DS: What about Jon Stewart? Thoughts on his show?

Jon Stewart is brilliant. His genius isn’t in his being funny. It’s in his ability to let other people be funny. There are a lot of comics that HATE to see other people get laughs and Jon Stewart isn’t plagued by that. Johnny Carson was like that. Brilliant.

DS: I hate to ask but how many more years of Bush do we have?

I think we are all going to have a collective soap opera moment, where we wake up and Bush Jr. being president and invading Iraq (again) and America turning into a really preachy creepy country with record debt bought out by the Chinese will all be a funny yet kind of scary dream.

Again, I have no idea what that means.

DS: What is a day in the life of a comedian like?

I wake up at the crack of noon. Read the paper. Make fun of our elected officials. Try to organize my office/living room/kitchen/bedroom. Obsesses about my success or lack there of for a bit. Drink coffee. Decide where I am going to that night. Call my friend and obsess about my success or lack there of for a bit. Drink more coffee with them. Try to talk my dog out of her desire to go on a walk. Obsess about my success of lack there of for a bit. Shower. Try to decide what I am going to eat that night. Then repeat it the next day.

Unless I’m on the road, then I do all that in a hotel room.

DS: Speaking of comedy, when you heading out for some shows in Kentucky?

TD: I think I’m booked at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Buffalo in the spring. Does that count?

When I have a confirmation, you’ll be the first to know Daniel.

DS: Thanks again for joining the Kentucky Democrat.

TD: No. Thank you. Thanks for not making me suffer for saying yes to being interviewed. That’s very kind of you.

Your questions were great, dude. I’m impressed. Keep up the good work!

The Ostrich Approach to AIDS

On December 2, 2005, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

fucker

Bush has pledged money to help in the world AIDS crisis.

From Salon.com:

The U.S. has pledged $15 billion over five years to fight the disease, most of which is channeled through the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief. PEPFAR grants come with conditions, however — two-thirds of the money has to go to pro-abstinence programs.

In a related story: the president has just alloted $10 billion of the reconstruction money for New Orleans to hire people to talk the Gulf out of having anymore hurricanes.

Heck of a job!

Dubya, Dubya, Dubya Dot Victory

On December 1, 2005, in Political Dribble, Topical Jokes Graveyard, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

bush Iraqis want freedom. We know that free societies are peaceful societies.

tina Is that what its like to live in a free society? I had forgotten.

bush It’s a part of my new strategy in Iraq.

tina You have a new strategy in Iraq?!?

bush Yep. Our new strategy is to win the war.

tina And your old strategy was?

bush To fight it.

tina Now you want to win?

bush Failure is not an option.

tina So the only option is to win?

bush Which is our new strategy.

tina And our only option?

bush We’re helping Iraqis build a free nation that they will be an ally in the war on terror. Then we can win that war too.

tina This sounds like a teenage flick where a girl wants a boyfriend so she takes a dork and teaches him how to be cool and then it’s the best prom ever. Like once we get Iraqis to stop killing us then they’ll be our best friends.

bush Victory in Iraq is vital to US interests.

tina Interests like having the National Guard – guard the nation?

bush Right now our multi-headed enemy is being fought on many fronts so our strategy in Iraq has three elements: to win the war, to accomplish our mission and to achieve victory.

tina You know a strategy is a plan for how to win. ‘To win‘ is a strategy like ‘it’s there‘ is an atlas.

bush We are pursuing a comprehensive strategy.

tina Which is like using birth control when you’re pregnant.

bush Hehe, that’s for gynecologists to practice their love for women.

tina You know, you’re getting much harder to parody.

bush That’s my plan!

tina Touche.

Hop on Pop-ups

On December 1, 2005, in General Announcements, by Tina Dupuy

Okay, I think I fixed the problem with those fucking pop-ups.

It would be FINE if I was getting ad money for them – or at least giving my consent. This was a covert sneaky little pop-up care of Blog Log.

At least that’s my theory. If anyone is still getting a pop-up. Please let me know in the comments.