Okay, Mondays suck for most people. It’s the start of the work week.
For comics – Mondays are the end of the week – the day off – the day that you are reminded that whatever was annoying about last week – is over and it now on to whatever is annoying about THIS week.
Driving day. Full day driving. blah blah…The air is so clean in Washington. It’s so clean it makes my nose itch.
Done in Tacoma. Off to some place I don’t remember the name of. I had a fun.
SPENT. Tired. Two shows, no food and had to wait till last call to get paid.
Just about to leave and there was a lesbian riot at the club upstairs – separate from the show. I was outside and the tumble weed of women fighting and kicking hurled its way down the sidewalk. I stepped back. It rolled passed me and got intercepted by the Tacoma police. The door to the club openned. “No one gets in! No! No one!” One voice yelled. “Except Tina!” Yelled another. I went in. HUNGRY, tired – irritated. Stupid quabble – I wanted FOOD.
My greasy half eaten caesar wrap now sits next to my desk in the hotel. The only place to get food was Shari’s. Shari’s is Denny’s older uglier sister with display PIES. We got our food to go.
To go – too gone. Bye bye Tacoma – bye bye brawling butches. Sleep….
Can you spend hours by yourself and not go insane? Do you think the practice of ‘talking shit’ passes for writing? Can you stomach really bad food? Does your spouse only want to see you a couple months out of the year? Is your life dominated by a bravado that people actually want to hear what you have to say? Can you dress in the parking lot – with a hangover and still think of yourself as a professional? Can you sleep until 3pm even when you’re not suicidal? Can you pack for a month in 5-minutes flat? Do you hate job security and health insurance? Do you want to see parts of this country that have NEVER made it into tourist brochures? Is ‘working’ and ‘getting paid’ different in your mind? Does an overly competitive job market excite you beyond belief?
If you answered YES to these questions – than a career in stand up comedy is perfect for you!
That’s right – laugh and the world LAUGHS with you – start a career in comedy and you’re on your own!
First off: Washington State is beautiful.
Yesterday I went to the store and I bought to things I really needed to get me through this trip. I bought a book I have been wanting to read for a long time on CD. A book that I almost bought in print – but decided not to because I’m broke. Then I saw it in the store on CD and happily purchased it. I also got a car charger for my cell phone. The long drive has lead to long conversations – ironically complaining about the long drive.
Anyway, BOTH items I purchased are defective. Actually, worse than that – neither of them work at all. Oh the ecstasy when I realized I had EVEN MORE things to complain about. It feels me with pure joy.
Speaking of bitching: I post from the road, in case you just found this site. There is a strange balance about posting non-anonymously while you are working in a profession as small as comedy. I can’t say anything bad about the clubs I work in or the bookers I work for. My career isn’t big enough to sabotage it…yet…I’ll work on that. I can’t post anything negative. HOWEVER, I can email you all about it – if you’re interested. That’s still good.
I have a show in a couple of hours. How many hours? I need a shower.
I found the book Blink on CD. I’ll probably finish the book before the week is out. I’m so excited. Anybody else read it? Email me then we can talk about it.
One thousand miles, 20 shots of espresso, dozens of CDs, one lowly comedian that needs a cheeseburger.
Make that a double!
If you want to be rich and famous – there are many – many better ways than being a road comic in 2005. I’m not going to say I’m broke or complain about being poor – but I will say that I qualify for food stamps. The next person to tell me how much money they made in the ’80’s on top of all the coke they did…I’ll – I’ll – I won’t do anything except hate them silently. Bastards.
*grumble* *grumble* *grumble*
I’m in the SF Bay Area at a Starbucks. I’ve been driving most of the day and stopped for dinner. I’ve had road rash so bad at times where I’ve sat down at a booth in a restaurant I tried to buckle myself in.
I’m a zombie for ’summer money’.
Things to bring:
Off to the Northwest…
Dear Tina,
I have ran into a problem I’m sure many people have suffered. Ok, well I will start off by saying that I have a rather large family that goes back many many generations…. well I suppose we all do, but nontheless my family is very proud of their Basque heritage and it seems as though every Basque being believes that somehow that we are all related in this city of Boise. To give you a brief summary of our history it all started with one family like five or six generations ago running sheep all over the Boise area. Anyways… I met this girl the other night and she was extremely attractive and we started talking about whatever. There was definately a lot of chemistry between us. Now keep in mind this is the first time we have ever met, so she asked me what my last name was and I told her. She then got this troubled look on her face and told me that she was also Basque and she thought she could have been related to me somehow. So my question is this: How far away does the branch of the family tree go out before someone is no longer considered family?? Not that I have any plans on marrying this person but all relationships must start somewhere, right? Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Justin
Dear Justin,
My first thought is,”Holy cow! You’re Basque and you met a nice Basque girl!?! In Boise – I’m assuming Idaho?!?” I’m no statistician – but WOW – what are the odds?
Basque? Someone once asked me who the Basque are. I popped off that they’re the fiercely independent red-headed step children of France and Spain. It might have been the coffee talking, but I’m close. The Basque language is related to no other languages that are spoken today. The Basque people as an ethnic group are related to no other ethnic group known today. They have a fascinating history and folklore. As far as heritages go – pretty cool one to have (this coming from someone with a French last name – yeah eat your Freedom Fries and bite me!).
Anyway, back to your problem Justin. My family is from a small town in Louisiana. Everybody in the entire state is somehow related to me. It has lead me to have an Oedipus phobia but for cousins. If someone is from Marksville – I assume that if we were to have children they would come out with odd numbers of heads and toes. So I understand your concern – mine borderlines on irrational.
With that being said, I believe if you don’t have any of the same parents – that’s a good start. Then it gets tricky. Whoever did genealogy the first time – got real lazy after the parental line. “Okay, aunt and uncle…YAWN – the rest of ‘em are cousins.” Which makes every Basque person in Boise – most likely your cousin. However, it is legal to marry a second or third cousin – in most states (if I would have to guess Utah wouldn’t be one of those states) and in the Catholic church. I would consider omitting that detail on the wedding invitations, but that’s just me.
But Justin you’re talking about ONE family SIX generations ago. That’s by now a very diluted gene pool. So you have a relative in common – big deal! Half of Mongolia is related to Genghis Kahn. No joke. Him and his sons got BUSY after winning battles. The Great Wall wasn’t just to keep the big invading armies out – it was to keep the little microscopic invading armies out!
So to answer you question: I think you’re safe to pursue this woman without stigma or worry. If there is chemistry – that’s the best anyone can hope for. Enjoy it and congratulations.
Tina
Send your questions about life, love and social phenomenon to Ask Tina.
Here is my preemptive strike on Justice Sunday II:
Let me start off by saying – I was born in a cult. Oh – is that ever a conversation starter! Just to see the faces on people as they inch away from me at parties – it’s priceless!
The cult that I was born in is pretty well known. We left when I was very young, in case you’re curious.
“So how does that make you feel about religion, Tina?”
Like I always say: One man’s rapture is another man’s 70 virgins in paradise.
I like science. I like numbers. I like the great mysteries of the universe. I like not having all the answers. It makes me feel – small, right sized – you know HUMAN.
I will offer this: there are 6 billion people on this planet. We are a very, very, very successful species. And out of that 6 billion there are only a billion certified atheists. So in a democratic kind of way (if the world population were voting on the issue) – there probably is a God. And also in a democratic kind of way (if the world population were voting on the issue) – the God that there probably is – probably ISN’T yours.
There is a difference between a religious country and a country that is free to worship. In religious countries people are brought into the fold via gun point. That’s quite a religious experience. Now I ask you, what kind of country do you REALLY want to live in?
You know what’s funnier than the Scottish cloning – of all animals – a sheep?
The joke is: The Scottish scientists wanted a new girlfriend and the Korean scientist wanted – a snack.
If you came here to some well written highbrow humor – I hope you are now throughly disappointed. They’ll be none of that today!
Transcript from Aug 2, 2005 in the Rose Garden:
JC: Thank you all for coming. I am honored to have been in the public service for as long as I have. But the time has come for me to step aside and I’m looking forward to having more time to spend with my family. I will now open it up to your questions and concerns. Yes, you there Ted.
Q. Why now? Why not a couple of years ago?
JC: As many of you know, I have been in the White House for the past 5 years. It is a very demanding job. I fully support the president and his administration. There is no riff between the president and I. There just comes a time when One feels they are more needed in the private sector.
Q. Will you still be working with the president on a consulting basis?
JC: Yes, of course. The president and I will still talk everyday. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about our conversations as always. He paraphrases a lot…just note that. I should have mentioned that earlier, but anyway – next question?
Q. There is a rumor that you will be joining the Democratic Party. Could you confirm that?
JC: As I told you – I am not a partisan. Never have been. I know it’s been a weird 5 years for everyone. And that’s why I am getting out of politics all together.
Q. Will you be attending Justice Sunday II?
JC: Well, I wasn’t invited. Uhm…They didn’t say I couldn’t come but…uh…my Sundays are pretty busy anyway, so… Okay, next question?
Q. Jesus, your retirement is in the wake of the Rove/Plame scandal on on the eve of Bush’s appointment of John Roberts. Has that been a factor in your decision?
JC: No comment.
Q. Did Rove leak Plame’s name?
JC: No comment.
Q. Should Rove be fired?
JC: I said, no comment. Now, are they’re any other questions?
*silence*
JC: No more questions? Well, if there are no more questions…Uhm, I look forward to, like I said, spending more time with my family. My family is quite large. So I plan on staying pretty busy. Really? You guys have no more questions for me? None at all? Wow. Okay, well I thank you all for coming. I won’t make you guys do this a second time – promise. Good night.
