Reuters
WASHINGTON – President Bush on Thursday urged the country to honor Terri Schiavo’s memory by working to “build a culture of life” . (full story)Salon.com
August 7, 1999
George W. Bush has presided over an execution in Texas almost every two weeks since his election. (full story)
We’ll miss you Mitch. (story)
Jews, Christians and Muslims have been fighting in the Holy Land for millennia.
Now they have UNITED. And it’s all thanks to queers.
JERUSALEM (Reuters) – Putting aside doctrinal differences, Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders united on Wednesday for a frontal assault on a gay festival planned for Jerusalem. (story)
The Jerusalem World Pride 2005 event planned for august has brought together the three warring faiths and given them (thank God, G-d and Allah) a reason to stopping hating each other and start hating ‘girl on girl action’.
Jews:
“This is not a homo-land. This is the Holy Land,” said Yehuda Levin, who represents more than 1,000 Orthodox rabbis leaders in the United States.
Muslims:
Muslim Sheikh Bouchari voiced concern that the festival could draw down divine wrath akin to that which destroyed the biblical city of Sodom.
Christians:
“No one can be sure it will go on in a peaceful way.” Vatican Ambassador Archbishop Pietro Sambi told reporters. (full story)
This is like the Berlin Wall coming down. It’s like the implication of the Euro. It’s like…hard to think of another example of peace because in human history, there hasn’t been too many.
Peace in the middle east – unless you’re a guy that likes to have sex with men even when women are available!
I would like to give my thanks and gratitude to all the homos that are planning on going to the Jerusalem World Pride 2005 event. You are the TRUE heroines of this story. You have done in a couple months of planning what thousands of years of fighting hasn’t accomplished. Education, diplomatic relations and treaties haven’t helped. But you brave gays and lesbians have made the impossible – possible.
You are the new human sacrifice – which is SO old school!
This is an actual conversation between me and my mother today:
Me: “…Well, if you want to scare them off – tell them that the Virgin Mary appears in your toast every morning.”
Mom: “I have a crucifix of Jesus in the bathroom of the motor home.”
Me: “Why did you put it in the bathroom?”
Mom: “No, you can see Jesus in the paneling on the door.”
Me: “Jesus appears in the bathroom on the fake wood paneling of your motor home?”
Mom: “It’s not fake wood paneling – it’s a door – that’s fake wood.”
Me: “You can see Jesus on a cross?”
Mom: “No on a crucifix.”
Beat. I cleared my throat.
Me: “Will you send me a picture?”
Mom: “I do it right now.”
A couple of minutes later – this ends up in my inbox.
I called my mom back…
Me: “You know you’re crazy, right?”
Mom: (light laugh) “Does that mean you don’t see it?”
Me: “No, Mom. I don’t see it.”
Mom: “I outlined His head and where His arms are stretched out. You can’t see it?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Maybe I should outline it better. What program are you looking at it in? Are you using Photoshop? It’s right there.”
Me: “Yep, I still can’t see it.”
This is my favorite:
Mom: “What resolution is your screen?”
Me: “I don’t know, Mom…”
Mom: “Because that could make it easier to see–”
Me: “You know I’m going to have to make fun of you for this.”
Mom: “Oh I know that, Honey.”
Me: “Can I put the picture on the internet?”
Mom: “Sure. Put it on Ebay. Maybe somebody will buy it. Do you think someone would buy it?”
Me: “We’ll see.”
Mom: “That would be cool huh? Okay, love you Honey bye!”
So if you’re interested in buying the Jesus Door, all offers can go through me.
I’ll be at the Comedy District this weekend in Culver City (site) this weekend.
It’s a new club and they are trying to do something different for Los Angeles comics – which is a GOOD thing. If you can’t make it this weekend, please support this club!
I’ve posted an update of my schedule on my tour page (link). So it’s much easier for Freddie (who?) to stalk me.
When this country was founded Americans got to decide their history. They decided that Christopher Columbus discovered the new world. While the Canadians attribute it to John Cabot (link) , since he was English – these United States decided that an obscure Spanish explorer would be better suited as a symbol of independence from England. Even the Vikings were too English to be celebrated for discovering North America. The founders of this country wanted their own version of history and they got it.
Take Mormonism for example: Their Holy Land is in North America instead of traditional Christianity that claims its in the middle east. It’s the whole,”Look no further, we have everything here you could ever want” mentality.
We as Americans like to re-invent ourselves at will. It’s the American Dream to make yourself into whatever you want to be. Like how a certain person can be born rich and privileged, go to Yale and Harvard and make themselves into tough-talking word-flubbing cowboy. Amazing. And VERY American.
‘America’s Stonehenge’ (site) has been open to the public since 1958. The name is a bit of a misnomer. It was originally named Mystery Hill Caves, which I think would be more accurate. It is a mystery. No one really knows what it is. The first written record of the site is from the 1890’s. They have found no conclusive evidence that it’s a Bronze Age structure. But there are people that really want it to be that. They want it to be Celtic (site). They want it to be an American Stonehenge. There’s no evidence, but it is a telling allegory for this country.
With that being said:
Some of the structure (like this part above) was ‘restored’ by the researcher William B. Goodwin in 1937 (not to be confused with William Goodwin the father of the children whose accusations lead to the Salem Witch Trials).
Note: If you are going to be in New Hampshire in March, don’t wear sneakers while looking at rocks in the hills. Take my word for it. Snow does bad things to one’s toes.
That’s the table.
Don’t get me wrong. If you’re in the neighborhood, you should go. It’s worth the $9 cover charge. I’ve paid more for a meal that gave me food poisoning.
Going to New England, where my country was founded, gave me an insight into my country: I can be anything I want to be.
With that being said, I’ve undergone plans to become a tall, Filipino man. Only in America!… and certain parts of Russia.
I also have pictures of America’s Stonehenge…
This was taken at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Mass.
photos by Dawn Haley www.dawnly.com
The Boov…
Fun show. Doing two shows in New Hampshire is the equivalent doing a half a show in Rhode Island.
Anyway, I’m going to Americas Stonehenge today. It’s on my way back to Boston. Some people think its a Bronze Age temple – others that it was built by Native Americans. Then there’s the theory that its really a modern hoax. I think it’s a good way to kill time in NH that doesn’t take place in a mall.
I took a wrong turn this afternoon and ended up in another state. I got lost on the way up here and told the clerk at the gas station that I took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong state. Then it wasn’t true. Today, it actually happened. I should watch what I make jokes about – but I probably won’t.
Those of you that have gone out to a nice restaurant or a movie by yourself will know what I am talking about. At first you get this surge of pride in your independence. You can do whatever you want whenever you want. There is no need to wait for a date. You have no shame. You think to yourself that this IS really cool. That you are really cool. Then at some point in the evening the thought occurs to you, “Wow, this is really depressing.”
That where I am. I’m bumming around New England all by my lonesome. So I went shopping. I’ve never been a shopper. One reason is that in order to do stand up, I took a vow of poverty, so I CAN’T shop. The other is that I don’t like big stores or making decisions in big stores. Don’t like anything about shopping really. I went shopping today. I think that women like to go shopping because it is a way of socializing. I don’t do this well. I went to a store to buy shampoo.
The blond, WASP, uptight sales girl comes up to help me.
Sales girl, “This product line is organic.”
Me,”Well, if you break it down to molecules, the cash register is organic.” I said, stupidly wanting her to at least THINK about it.
Sales girl (with an irked look),”Anyway, I really like the scent of this product.”
I sniff the bottle.
Me,”Oh I know what that is – it’s green tea.”
She looks on the bottle.
Sales girl: “White tea – actually.”
Me,”Wrong color – same smell.” She is completely unamused with me. I’m BOMBING and can’t quit while I’m behind. “I’ll get that.” I told her.
She took the shampoo up to the counter. “Anything else?”
“No.”
“Could I have your name?”
“Why?”
“I can’t ring anything up unless I put a name into the computer.” She stated, growing steadily more irritated.
“First name Cherry.”
“Is that I-E or Y?”
“I-E.” I said with a growing smirk. “Last name ‘Soda’.
She stared at her computer screen as to not have to look at me and SIGHED. “Cute.” She said.
Ah, socializing…
I just wrote this really long eloquent and funny post. The best work I’ve ever done. Really! Then this crappy hotel lobby computer glitch erased the whole thing.
Damn it!
I have an afternoon gig tomorrow. I have to go to sleep now.
Damn it.
I was so annoyed at the deluge of opinions and coverage of the Terri Shiavo case that I decided to pay attention to the Michael Jackson Trial. It’s the equivalent of smashing your finger with a hammer to make your headache feel better.
This is what I’ve gathered: Michael Jackson’s accuser hung out at comedy clubs in Los Angeles. (story)
Dude! Apparently I’m the only LA comic that ISN’T booked at the Michael Jackson Trial! You have to drive up to Santa Maria but they put you up for the night. The pay is crap, but you can do a really long set. I never even heard who was running the room.
Damn, I need a better agent.
I’m going to call Kato Kalin and see who got him that OJ gig a few years ago.
On this day of mourning for the late John DeLorean (story) I need to announce that I that Vector (site) has made the first donation over $10 to this blog and I’m sending him a free shirt and autographed headshot.
No more free t-shirts. HOWEVER, if you donate over $8 (It’s $3 ish for shipping. That includes a dollar for Harry the Homeless Guy to watch my dog while I’m inside the post office.) I’ll send you a autographed headshot. That means you’ll be donating $5 to this site to keep it’s author high on coffee. And you will have in your possession a headshot that is being proudly displayed in places like The Budget Inn Bar and Lounge, Burley, Idaho.
I’ve got some gigs on the east coast. This run is only 4 days. Short and sweet. Snow and sleet. Happy Spring.
If you are a new reader – I post from my cell phone on the road. My phone flips out into a tiny keyboard.
Dear readers, I have a theory: This is a vast conspiracy between Nolo Press, the self-help law publisher (site) and probate lawyers. If anyone stands to benefit from this hoopla – it’s them.
Hoopla? How many times do you get to use that word? The press likes to use the phrase ‘media circus’ as if they aren’t the guy that follows around Bessie the elephant with a shovel.
My point is: yet again this country has been split into two factions. There are those praying and hoping that Terri stays alive long enough to go through menopause because they are caring and compassionate people. And those that have told their loved ones to unplug them at the first sign of drool. Probate lawyers are getting frantic phone calls for their services.
“Look, I’ll pay you whatever you ask, just don’t let me end up in Florida as a national wedge issue.”
