Send a picture of yourself wearing my t-shirt and I will post it online.
Rules:
-Purchase necessary.
-Contest to be judge by anonymous mommy bloggers.
-Winner receives an autographed DVD of my act (so nothing of monetary value).
Tina reserves the right not to make out with any of those that enter. Contest not available in some areas. Void where prohibited. Contest ends when I say it does.
Ah, the bitter cold – ‘arctic freeze’ you say? More than 20 people already dead this year from weather (story)? That’s nothing. I’m a comic. I welcome self-abuse.
Dolly Parton on the set of Steel Magnolias said,”My whole life I wanted to be rich and famous and now that I am, you won’t hear me complain about it.” Well, my whole life I wanted to be a professional complainer – and now that I am…I’m probably going to complain about it.
Never spent the night in a sleazy motel without – well doing something sleazy? Never gone up in front of a bunch of strangers – half of them, the last chick they watched on stage was wearing a g-string? Never thought about the isolation of the road? Sound romantic? For those of you that have never been on a series of one nighters in the northwestern United States in February – but have always been a little curious – you are in luck. With my digital camera and the headliner’s laptop – The Sardonic Sideshow is going on the road.
So bookmark me, blogroll me, blogmark me or whatever is it you people do to get back here. Road adventures to come.
What does the number 2863 mean to you? To me it’s the amount of infected files found on my computer. Yep. Why haven’t I posted in a couple of days? That’s right. Two thousand, eight hundred and sixty three infected files. The ‘computer fixer dude’ said that was an all time record. More than twice the amount he’s ever seen. I must say, I am proud. It makes me seem hard core and punk rock – in the world of people that actually care about that type of thing.
Now I asked the ‘computer fixer guy’ to explain to me how this happened. I wanted the version that wouldn’t make me sound like a moron. Yes, I had anti-virus software. Yes, I ran scans and had it on auto protect. I did all that. I didn’t get VIRUSES – I got Trojans. Oddly enough, there was no version of the story that didn’t make me sound like a moron. I’m supposed to know better.
I’ve been had. I’ve been had by people whom reading books about programming doesn’t make them break down into tears. People that dream in binary code. Who are these people? Socially inept – maybe. Cunningly adept – uh yeah!
I’ve had a PC since I was 5 years old. It makes me think I know stuff about computers by pure exposure. Now I realize – I am so behind! I’ve always identified as a nerd. Wow, I fall so short. If I’m a nerd at all, I’m the wrong kind of nerd. I’m the kind that’s good for nothing but useless trivia and information that will help no one. I’ve spent years lost in books to no personal benefit (save a career as a professional smart-ass). I can’t even be angry that my hard drive crashed – because I feel so inadequate – and I’m so jealous of the people that wrote those Trojans!!!
The moral of the story is just because you know your way around Photo Shop and don’t hyperventilate when you see html doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out there that is doing loops around your savvy on a slow day.
It sucks to be average.
Unless your trying to see how many infected files you can get on one computer – if so – I’ve got you beat.
Norwegians thought that Bush was endorsing Satan at his inauguation
by his hand sign.
Americans recognized it as a ’shout out’ to Karl Rove.
“…we are guided by a power larger
than ourselves who creates us equal
in His image.“
Officials announced that Michael K. Powell the chairman of the FCC has planned to resign in March of this year. All THREE (thanks to Powell) media conglomerates plan to cover the story in depth.
A man in Wisconsin wants to start another third party, The Responsible Party. The party’s platform is for term limits and a flat tax.
Campaigning on term limits? “I want to be your elected official – just not for that long.”
Flat tax? “Vote for me, I’ll make Bill Gates pay as much tax as a non-union janitor.”
I’ve written a slogan for them:
The Responsible Party – hey at least we’re not Larouche.
Let the festivities begin! At the “America’s Future Rocks Today” inaugural youth concert, Hilary Duff was the headliner, only one rock musician used only one curse word, the twins were sober, and the DC Armory was half full with people (most of them being secret service) 
.
Making ‘America’s future’ want to take up SQUARE DANCING for some excitement.
Laura Bush addressed the crowd:
“My call to you all is that as you enjoy the great freedoms of America and as you enjoy yourself at this inauguration, I hope you take away the lesson of helping somebody in need,” said Laura Bush. “And when you do, it will not only make our country a better place, it will lift up your own spirit.”
Mrs. Bush, youre right. I just gave Halliburton a 5-year no bid contract and you know what? My spirit has really been lifted. Thanks.
McDonald’s SECOND CEO in a year is dead!
Charlie Bell, former chief executive and avid consumer of McDonald’s food, died of cancer at the age of 44 yesterday. In a loving tribute to the deceased and his family, the restaurant plans to deny that their food has any ill effects on health.
Jerry Springer to host a call in radio talk show in hopes to be back in the political arena.
“The new show is “a great opportunity to offer other voices, which now are not heard very much in the political dialogue of America,” Springer said.
Voices chanting,”Hillbilly fight! Hillbilly fight!”
Here’s my ‘Final Thought’: The Democratic Party lost seats in congress and the senate – not to mention the presidency – back in November. In short, they’ve suffered enough. Jerry if you want to help the Democrats – say youre a Republican.
Blogging is like sex…
…because the people that do it five times a day are freaks!
Los Angeles is drowning. I know I’ve mentioned weather a lot recently – but this is serious. TWO FEET of rain! In the last couple of days TWO FEET!! And as of this post it is still POURING!!
I pay too much RENT to be living in Seattle! Im too SHALLOW to cope with this much rain. I think God is punishing LA for voting for in Schwarzenegger. That combined with Will Smith’s career we might deserve some smiting. Damn, we need a dam
“Cheerleaders all over America form pyramids,” Guy Womack said in reference to charges Specialist Charles Graner piled naked detainees on top of each other and photographed them.
Oh yes – one man’s abused detainee is another man’s cheerleader. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury – it’s semantics – an argument over language. And my client Charles Graner is not guilty – look at the picture of Lyndie England – is she pregnant and SMOKING?
“…syndicated columnist and T-V personality Armstrong Williams. Last week, officials acknowledged that Williams’ company was getting 240-thousand dollars to help promote Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” education overhaul plan.”
Here’s the problem with the Democrats, their ‘liberal media’ isnt properly bank rolled.
Shame on you Armstrong Williams for giving propagandists everywhere a bad name!
Poor Ashlee Simpson! If you had just been a couple years earlier. If you had road the coattails of your dim wit sister four years ago – before American Idol. Maybe the general public wouldnt have cared that you have no talent. American’s didnt care that Tiffany didnt write her own music or carry a note. Actually, we would have preferred to have her lip-sync. Now because of the years of watching Simon kill the dreams of aspiring singers even a bunch of drunken football fans think they can judge music now too. Think of it, these are the same people that put money on The Bud Bowl – now theyre booing you.
Don’t worry Ashlee – no matter how many times you totally screw up in public – you’ll always be my Frank Stallone.
-Start a letter writing campaign that soap, shampoo and face scrub should be tax exempt. My slogan will be,”No taxation for exfoliation.”
-Quit watching reality programs. Only watch shows with staff writers. We’ll call 2005 ‘desperately seeking more Desperate Housewives.’
-Get over my crush on Congressman David Drier. Yeah, he’s smart, funny and single. But he also has a couple of joint bank accounts with his Chief of Staff who’s a dude.
-Start lying about my height, age, weight and race. It’s not easy being a 5′2, 42-year-old, 75 pound Uruguanian.
-Stop telling girls at auditions that I lost weight because I have a tape worm.
-In 2005 I resolve to call my dog his name. No more calling him, ’stinky bastard’, ‘dipstick’
‘mutt face’ or ‘lying rat’. I will call him by the name on his file at the vet’s office – Dubya.
Happy New Year!
