Canadian Secession Part Two

On November 22, 2003, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

The House of Representatives passed an anti-spam bill 392-5. The argument is that spam is annoying.

Praise God – the government FINALLY cares about us being ANNOYED. I’m writing my congress person as we speak to keep me from being annoyed further BY CONGRESS!!!

Requests…things I find annoying:

Dont criminalize sending mass emails about enlarging my penis – CRIMINALIZE CORPORATE CRIME! Throw those fuckers in jail. What they have to PAY A FINE? The irony ANNOYS me.

Pass a law that ROAD WORK cant happen during rush hour – it’s annoying.

De-criminalize drugs – so I dont have to hear about their life sentences on NPR – it’s annoying.

Make my dog stop shedding ALL WINTER long – it’s annoying.

Stop the semi-retarded from having conversations on their cell phones at grocery stores – it’s annoying.

How about not letting the defense or the press put Kobe Bryant’s accuser’s picture on the COVER OF THE TABLOIDS – It’s so annoying – Ive lost sleep over it.

I want every gun owner to take an IQ test – if they dont hit triple digits – they should only be able to buy a Super Soaker. You shouldn’t even be able to mutter,”constitutional rights” unless you can actually READ the constitution. That’s more than annoying – it’s frightening.

Spam is advertising, and like my rant about the ‘Do-Not-Call’ List – it obviously works. People find a porno advertisement and hit the link. I dont like advertising. I dont like billboards. I dont like advertisements on the floors of grocery stores. I really RESENT that I have to endure 20 minutes (or more) of commercials for every hour of TV. It’s the same thing. It’s UNSOLICITED. But really, when do we SOLICIT advertising? Isn’t that the ENTIRE POINT of advertising? To get you to buy things you didnt really think you wanted, but now are convinced you need?

Let’s talk about things that are unsolicited. How about unsolicited HELP for the House of Representatives? I have spam blocker software! I DON’T NEED THE GOVERNMENT TO STOP SPAM! If the program fails I can click delete!!! Thanks, but no thanks. Stick to bombing foreigners, giving aide to Halliburton and mucking airport security! That’s what I pay you for!

I’m sure Americans (those that actually have internet access) will sleep better know that spammers are behind bars. And we can all have a sigh of relief that the HOR cares if we’re annoyed. Let’s put Canadian secession on the ballot while were at it.

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If You Dont Like President Bush – You Enjoy Terrorism

On November 21, 2003, in Political Dribble, Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Bush is getting protested in Britain. How do you get your ALLIES to build an effigy of you and topple it? That must be pure talent.

To me it’s like when my mother would bring home a boyfriend my brother and I didnt like. He would come over to the house and we’d dress up like Guantanamo Bay detainees and hold up signs calling him a terrorist. It really got our message across. Just wait, after Bush storms out of the country Blair will say,”You never like anyone I bring over! You WANT ME TO BE ALONE, DONT YOU!?!”

Bush is launching TV ads because his ratings are lower. “Some are now attacking the president for attacking the terrorists.” It says.

Translation: “If you dont like President Bush – you enjoy terrorism.” It’s like those IQ tests on logic: Bush hates terrorists. People hate Bush. Therefore all people that hate Bush must be terrorists. True? False?

Let’s try some more:

Americans enjoy smoke screens. Bush utilizes smoke screens most of the time. Therefore all Americans enjoy Bush as president.

Corporate corruption is in Texas. Bush is from Texas. Most corporate corruption can be linked to Bush.

Approval ratings go up when our country is attacked. Attacks on our country inspire fear. Therefore Bush likes FEAR.

Americans have the right to criticize their leaders. Bush calls his critics un-American. Therefore all Americans that exercise their rights are un-American.

Now that I think of it: Where are the anti-war protesters in this country? The war isnt over. The BRITISH know that. The government declared the war over and the dissenters AGREED!!! The number of US deaths in Iraq has surpassed the number of American soldiers killed during the first two years of the Vietnam War. We’ve had more soldiers killed since Baghdad fell than prior! Im not going to mention the number of Iraqi deaths because I cant find that statistic anywhere.

What happened to the voice of dissention? Did they all go back to smoking weed, watching South Park and downloading the latest celebrity porno? The peace sign has been bought out by Verizon and they all give up and smugly surmise that they are like Thoreau with TiVo?

American dissention has stopped. The British protests are entertaining. Therefore the American anti-war movement is being out shown by FOREIGNERS!

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Mrs. Fields, My Grama and Mars

On November 16, 2003, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

Dr. John Gray – the man that forever creeped out popular culture with his Trekkie take on relationships. You know…the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” book series. He is a FRAUD. That’s right, not only is he NOT a doctor from any college that isnt imaginary – he’s never even been to Venus or Mars!! How could you America? How could you let this twice divorced pudgy dork – that’s never even left the Earth’s atmosphere – become a relationship guru? We should be ashamed.

This leads me to my next thought – Dr. Phil. Rule number one: dont buy a weight loss product when a photo of a man with a double chin graces the packaging. Mrs. Fields looks better. Hell, Al Roker looks better. If you want to lose weight simply put a picture of Dr. Phil (preferably in something form fitting) in the dining area of your home. Guaranteed appetite reducer. Or maybe that’s the point of putting his PICTURE on weight loss products.

All we do in this country is obsess about how fat we are. We should be grateful. There are starving people in Beverly Hills dying each day!

Anyway, I just found out one of the two people that reads my blog is my grandmother. Hi Grama – I stopped cursing on my blog for you. I know, I used the word ‘hell’ but that’s not really considered cursing in California (she’s from Mississippi, when she stubs her toe she says,”Jimminy Cricket” or “Crips”). Anyway, she not only knows html – she has her own website (the link is above). She’s so cute.

Some of my family, older, conservative – sweet – Catholic – that live in Louisiana wanted to come see my show. They said,”Youre family and family needs support.” That’s all well and good – but most family members dont open for wet t-shirt contests. When I moved to Los Angeles to pursue my dream, that’s not what ANY of us had in mind.

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The Ten Commandments, Larry Flynt and the 3rd Horseman

On November 11, 2003, in Uncategorized, by Tina Dupuy

I just got back from Baton Rouge for a weekend gig. If youve found my blog through there – youre only welcome if you didnt wear a cowboy hat – at night – inside a comedy club! That’s right – if the sun isnt out and youre not wrestling your dinner – take the hat off. There it’s been said. (not to their face of course – because they scare me – but DEFINITELY behind their backs).

Here’s my take on that whole confederate flag controversy: ‘Ya’ll LOST!! That’s right. If you find yourself being offended by the symbol because it’s the ‘American swastika’ – it’s not American – that analogy is false. It’s OLD SCHOOL anti-American. It’s anti of every thing America stands for – first off the ‘united’ in the United States. If the South would have won the US would be like Eastern Europe – and well we’d have a German Flag to fly right about now. So let them be disenfranchised Dean – theyre too retarded to know theyre flying a symbol of historic LOSERS.

Speaking of southern fried retards: Dont get all huffy about taking down the Ten Commandments and be anti-Semitic. I’ll clue you all in THEYRE JEWISH. You can’t even be on the fence about the Jews and preach the Ten Commandments – YOU GOT THEM FROM THEM!!!

Now lets talk about Jessica Lynch. A story out today says that Larry Flynt (pornographer and one of many that ran for governor of California) bought naked pictures of Lynch. He said he bought them not to publish them but to keep them out of publication. In a press release he stated, “Jessica Lynch is being used as a pawn by the media and by the government to create a hero who can sell this war to the American people.” It’s a dark day when a pornography makes more sense than the pentagon. That and Mr. Flynt has learned the first rule of road comedy – if no one is listening – go blue (ie dick jokes) and then they’ll listen.

But wait – Larry Porno King Flynt is treating Jessica Lynch with more respect as a woman than her biographer??!!?? This is the 3rd Horseman! Her biographer went into sordid details about her alleged sexual assault and scored high points on the sensationalism scale and Larry Flynt is opposed to exploiting her?!? Im waiting for the frogs to start raining from the sky. (I love mixed biblical references.)

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