In a pursuit of a story – reporters sometimes have to go to the ends of the universe to get a story. Well, this reporter has done just that. I secured an interview with the source. Last week I had an exclusive interview with God.
TD: Hello God, uh can I call you God?
G: Of course.
TD: Thank you for your time.
G: Not at all. I would have done this interview with Dateline but they bumped me a for a segment on Whitney Houston.
TD: Yikes.
G: It’s okay, dear – go ahead.
TD: Well, God you are seen as a bit of an ogre by some of your constituents.
G: Am I really? I’ve always seen myself as more of a practical joker.
TD: A practical joker? Would you care to elaborate?
G: Well, the King of rock and roll died on the ‘throne’. I thought that was pretty much inspired. Uhm, Graves’ disease is not fatal–
TD: It’s not?
G: Dr. Graves discovered a disease that bears his name yet is not fatal. I thought it would be funny…in a morbid type of way perhaps.
TD: Any recent practical jokes that we should be aware of?
G: Oh yes! Recently the US military needed Arabic translators – they asked for them and I provided. I sent them oh – half a dozen. But *giggle* they were all openly gay and got dishonorably discharged. Isn’t that funny?
TD: More ironic I think.
G: Well my humor is more in that vein.
TD: God doesn’t like slapstick?
G: Human’s created slapstick – God created irony.
TD: Yes, back to the gay issue. Doesn’t it say in the bible that homosexuality is forbidden?
G: It says a lot of things in the bible.
TD: Didn’t you write the bible?
G: Yes I wrote the bible. I’ve also written a billion other books, essays, articles and grocery lists. I’m a ghost writer – pardon the pun. Think of all the Greek Tragedies – Homer’s Odyssey – I’ve done some great work. The bible is just one book – one book that only 3 people – all of whom were in jail at the time have read from cover to cover. You’ve never read it all the way through have you?
TD: I’m assuming you know the answer to that.
G: Sorry, it’s an obvious sore spot. I wrote the Koran too you know.
TD: That brings me to the next question: what do you think of all the different religions and interpretations of you?
G: Oh, I like it.
TD: You do?
G: Here’s another bit of brilliance on my part. You see humans are so terribly boring. They are all basically all the same. They like sex, food and sleep – day in day out. They all have the same fears, the same instincts – they’re just all little carbon copies – pardon another pun – of each other. Imagine if you will, there was only one breed of dog on earth. Imagine 6 billion Yorkshire terriers? Wouldn’t that be dull? So, my attempt was to make it interesting. Put some color in the world. I’ve just never liked uniform prayer – you know – mix it up a little.
TD: Yeah, but what about Holy Wars?
G: If you think it’s not funny when they meet me and I inform them that their enemy and them have the same God – oh it’s a priceless gag.
TD: What about atheists?
G: Atheists? Hmm yes. Well unless they’ve been in the trenches – I don’t believe in them.