Born Blond

I would like to take a moment to talk about racism in this country and the trauma it causes the victim. I am a Blond-American.

For the purpose of this article I will draw a difference between ‘blond’ with a small ‘b’ and Blond with a capital ‘B’. Blond, with a small ‘b’ (unless, as in this case, it’s at the beginning of a sentence) is to refer to the color. Blond with a capital ‘B’ (also in this case at the beginning of a sentence) will refer to the culture of natural blonds or Blonds as the case may present itself.
Half of the world’s population is Asian. An eighth of the world population is white. Only a very small fraction of them are blond after infancy. Isn’t it obvious, you might think, that we are a minority? The answer is a resounding yes. However we have no minority rights, nor holiday, not even a meager parade once in a while.

Furthermore blonds have been subjected to the worst kind of stereotyping. This coupled with the lack of any positive Blond role models has made the plight of Blonds cluttered with obstacles.
Firstly let us examine the way that blonds are depicted in our culture. Barbie and Ken, for example, are portrayed as plastic vacuous individuals lacking any real kind of human ‘capabilities’. Kelly Bundy is a faux blond and a perpe-trator of the mindless bimbo image that has been the object of locker room humor for decades. Then there is Miss Piggy, who despite her popularity, is nothing more than a PUPPET for the oppression of her kind!

The characterizations that have plagued blonds can be hurtful. Take the myth that we have more fun. There is no scientific basis for such a claim. Blonds don’t have any more fun that the rest of the hair colors. This fabrication is just propagated to keep us giggling and therefore not rising up against the establishment!

We have no equality in the work place. Statistics from the nationally prominent organization, Blonds Overtly Offended by Stereotyping (B.O.O.B.S.), reports that a brunette is 6 times more likely to be hired than his/her Blond counterpart. Yet despite these outrageous figures there has been little or no legislation to eradicate the problem. Affirmative Action has just overlooked this prejudice. We must act now so future generations of Blonds will not have to suffer the same stinging trauma.

My personal story is quite typical and yet still sad. Against all the professional advice of the time I was adopted into a brunette household. I always felt like the blond sheep of my family. I have come to terms that my parents did the best they could with what they had, but that doesn’t help the mental anguish I endured. I was acutely aware that I was different. My parents encouraged me in fields they thought I would be able to fit into (i.e. flight attendant, gossip program host or the woman-that-stands-next-to-the-show-cars-at-convention-centers). I relay this story only to explain that I was limited at birth. Who knows what I could have done with my life had I been encouraged as brunettes are.

These points and many others are the reason I have chosen to write my second book. It’s a scathing satire of the all brunette novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Oppressed and Insulted. He apparently didn’t consider Blonds to be either! My motives are simple: I want to let everyone know that we as a people have feelings too and we don’t appreciate being left out.

My first book, as you know, is an account of Blonds in American history and their stories prior the advent of hair bleach. It can be specially ordered by contacting my all Blond publisher at their website at www.FairBooks.com.

Brunettes as a ruling majority can often be cruel and ignorant when conversing with Blonds. “Some of my best friends are Blonds,” they will boast. As if my anger should be pacified by their self-proclaimed open-mindedness. Well, it’s not! I’m offended by Non-Blonds using the b-word. I intend by my grass roots efforts to take the pejorative connotation out of the term ‘Blond’ simply by not letting anyone who isn’t Blond use it without my leering at them. I implore all other Blonds to do the same and then the tide shall turn.

“We are all human beings.” That is how a homeless gentleman put it to me this morning while I was walking my blond and Blond dog.

“Sir,” I inquired,”Are you now, or have you ever been a Blond?”

“No” he muttered.

“Then what would you know about pain and suffering, Sir? True, I am a human being BUT I have the burden of being a Blond-American and that’s not even comparable! Educate yourself before you say something so unthinkingly callous!”

If you as a reader would like to enlighten yourself about the Blond minority and their personal, often-tragic stories please visit my website at www.we-have-the-same-amount-of-fun-as-anyone-else.com.

 

BB King, Maria Callas and Webbed Toes

I went to a karaoke bar tonight. Usually in Los Angeles, karaoke becomes like an American Idol audition. But this was a dark bar off Sunset and the worse people sang the more comfortable everyone got. And the more staple karaoke songs performed (ie Baby Got Back, and anything Prince has ever done) the more drunk everyone got. I really wish I could somehow make money every time some booby girl slurred her way through that ‘when I think about you I touch myself’ song.

All you could really see of people was their outline. This is my complaint about all LA night spots: make out lighting is brighter than these places and the music is so loud that the only conversation you can possibly have is “HEY” “WHAT?” “HEY” “OH, HEY”…”WHAT DID YOU SAY?”….”HEY!”

That’s why everyone is single in this town. You meet someone at a bar and WE ALL look good in pitch black and we all could possibly be interesting if we didnt talk. It’s the mystique you build up around a person that’s BOUND to disappoint you. I say if they look good and are witty at the DMV. Then there might be something.

Anyway, I dont sing. I dont even sing in the shower. I have a VERY DEEP voice. I get called ‘Sir’ on the phone all the time. I sound like BB King without Lucille. I just dont sing. My friends wanted me to sing. I told them the one really freaky (lets hope) thing about me is my incredibly low singing voice and Im not about to flaunt that off. It would be like someone with webbed toes wearing strappy red heals – just a bad idea.

I Like watching karaoke. I think I like the amateur aspect of it. It’s one thing to admire a master. My cousin saw Maria Callas in concert and everyone was so stunned that when it was finished they forgot to applaud for a couple of long moments. I saw Jessie Jackson at a rally when I was in college and that guy is AMAZING. He blew everyone away whether or not you agreed with him.

Karaoke is for the novice. A laymens event. It’s like watching a really bad movie and being much more entertained than having to suffer through some tear jerker sleeper hit.

Im still not singing.

 

Mullets, Bringer Shows – Two Drink Minumum

I remember the golden age of stand-up comedy…I saw it on TV when I was pre-pubescent. All I remember was that Rosanne was fierce and everyone else did jokes about not being able to set their VCR’s clock. Stand up comedy was EVERYWHERE. There was a comedy club on every corner. I’ve read about comics doing eight sets in one day.

It goes with out saying that those days are gone. But as I was sitting in a dive bar in Burbank tonight, waiting for my spot, (I was headlining, which normally would be cool – but tonight meant I had to watch everyone else die painfully one after the other) I was marveling at the audience. These people that come to sit and watch. Did I mention that I counted 3 mullets in a room of 40 or so people? Nearly 10% of the room – and if “feathered” counts – 20%. This one woman came up to me and asked,”When are those people getting up and talking gunna stop?” Needless to say it was awful. The crowd was nice to me but I also expected little after 3 hours of “comedy” (20 minutes of which was a long drawn out tampon story – which mad me grieve for humanity).

ANYWAY, I don’t think that comedy changed or was responsible for the decline. It was the audiences. They’re the ones going out and seeing shows and buying their two drink minimums. They flocked to clubs in the 80’s and then suddenly they stopped. I think it might be the times.

There are still people that go see comedy but they want to see people that they’ve seen on TV before they will pay the cover charge. The numbers are less. In Los Angeles and I’m told New York they have things called “bringer shows.” That’s where the comics have to bring the audience in order to get stage time. In some extreme cases if the comedian doesn’t bring anyone, they’re asked to pay the covers of five people or they won’t get to go on. These days you actually have to solicit your friends and family, just to do a seven minute set. This all because the majority of people rather do anything else than sit and listen to people talk about airline food (note: yes those jokes are STILL done even though the days of crappy free airline food ended with Enron).

I believe that comedians are our only western philosophers. Don’t think Gallager – think Chris Rock or Brett Butler. They point out the absurd which is all philosophy really does. You have a person with no training or specialty with a captive audience and a stage to say anything they chose. Even with the Patriot Act comics tell truths that resonate with us. When it strikes a chord with our own experience – we laugh. That’s powerful stuff. I read a statistic that 60% of Americans get their news from late night comedy shows, Jon Stewart – Jay Leno. Their jokes are like the chocolate coating on the harshness of reality. It just helps it to go down easier.

I think that the 80’s are coming back. Well SOME of the 80’s. Let’s all hope that day glow STAYS in the dark ages. I think these times are scary and people want to go out and have someone make a little sense out of why men won’t put the toilet seat down.

That was the point I was getting at: this mullet crowd. They looked like well – a couple a good dick jokes ought to win them over. But these people were TOTALLY into the the high brow stuff. The smart stuff got their attention and every time someone did a fart joke they all talked amongst themselves. It was almost like they could sit around by themselves and tell dirty jokes but if you made sense of the recall race that was something to be listened to. At least that’s my observation. Most of the crowd will probably be too drunk to remember most of the night and I have to say – I’m a little jealous of that.

 

The Greatest Generation and Cadillacs

I grew up with hippie baby boomer parents and teachers. They all somehow convinced me that the “good old” days had passed. Their parents had apparently convinced them of the same thing. My grandparents generation with their “Greatest Generation” moniker. So everyone’s still stuck in this wonderful WWII mind set where the men where men and (theme song to All in the Family).

I’m no longer convinced. The reason I’m no longer convinced is because I have the world wide web. I can read five different newspapers from all over the world in minutes. More importantly I can have some random stranger log on to my website and sign my guestbook and say that he would love to see a picture of me peeing on a Cadillac. Yeah, that’s what happened today (and NO I didn’t post it). THAT’S PROGRESS. This is a golden era (I didn’t intend on that pun). My parents can mumble that they changed the world and my grandparents can claim they saved it. We can all watch their old movies and make fun of their clothes. But I can have hundreds of anonymous messages from perverts from around the world. TOP THAT Greatest Generation!

 
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